Hmmm...

It's been a few days or hours at least since my last entry. And I've gone full circle in lots of respects. I've gone from being not tired, to not being able to sleep, back to being tired again. I've gone from feeling ok, to feeling low and feeling ok again, and to not knowing what the hell is wrong with me. One thing's for sure, something has to change! I miss how things were, and I'm not one that copes easily with change, and it just seems for the minute at least, that everyone around me has moved on, and I'm left grumbling behind. I'm only hoping that'll last not too much longer before I can eventually catch up and move on also. I came out to my christian best friend cowardly via email last week, and although she sent an email back saying things were cool and nothing's changed, I'm still a little unsure of where things lie as we've not spoken since. So that has me emotionally all over the place as well. The horendous thing about all that is, that the way I feel at the moment, down etc, I don't feel in the right frame of mind to deal with all that. I know I need to, and the worst part is over, but I just feel that if I seem depressed or in a weird frame of mind when we do chat, that she'll take it that I'm not happy being gay and try to make me see the light! When in all of this, being gay and people knowing I'm gay is the one thing which I know isn't getting on top of me! I'm proud of who I am and how far I've come. And I am the proudest lady in the world to be the one woman who gets to share her life with my beautiful lady! It's funny, cos I have all of this feeling down and lack of self worth stuff, but the one thing in the world I am sure of is that FT is the one for me. Trouble is, the more I think that, the more scared I get, and the worse things get, cos I try to cling to things as they are rather than moving on. I'll get there in the end. I know I will. I know what I need to do, and that's the first step. Trouble is, I need to get over the bastard hurdle, and that's the bit I'm struggling with right now. My viscious cirle needs to end, and needs to end now. I know everything I have, and everything I stand to lose. So why do I keep hammering on the self destruct button? I'm not stupid enough to think that the way I'm going now I won't lose everything I have. Yet I still keep pushing, and I don't know why. I nearly fucked it all up last night. I think me and my lady got to the stage where we both knew something had to change or there is going to be no us. We're both hurting at the minute, and last night was the closest we've come in the 15 wonderful months of our relationship to losing it all. And I spent the hours between 11pm and 12:30am thinking I had lost it all, and I've never ever felt pain like that before ever. I can see why things went as they were. I haven't been the woman she fell in love with for the past few weeks. But more than that, I haven't been a I even liked for the same duration. So how can I expect her to love me or not to question that when I'm a completely different person than when we fell in love? We talked, and that helped. We managed to conclude a few things, and honestly I'm writing in this journal today, a new me. Reverting back to the woman she fell in love with, and this miserable bitch is gone forever. But to be honest? I'm scared, and I've never been more scared in my entire life. I'm scared I've done too much damage and she's had enough. I couldn't blame her, but of course that's the last thing in the world I want. I know things need to improve, and we have to give it time, but I can't stand this inbetween phase. The scenario is this: This is the one and only person in the world for me, and I've pretty much done everything in my power to inadvertantly push her away. So I'm hurting like hell right now, for a few reasons. Firstly, that I can't stand the fact that I've hurt the woman I love like this, and I'm resisting the urge to withdraw within myself and get down on myself bacause of that, I know it won't help. And it's a constant battle with me cos when I feel down on myself, my sense of self worth drops, and I can't see myself why she'd put up with me, and that makes the situation worse. So I'm trying to keep my head up and get on with things. But it's OK to be scared. I know us, and I know our relationship. And I know that if we talk about things and face things together, that we're as strong as any relationship could possibly be. So that's where I'm heading for now. The sort of person she loves and trusts, and wants and feels she can talk to. And I'm going to do my damdest to show her just how amazing and special she is to me. Starting tonight, I have a few surprises in store, which I hope she will enjoy. I love this woman more than words or actions could ever explain, and I intend to show her and tell her for as long as she'll have me. I prey to god that's forever. She has my heart. I'm nothing without her!