That Sunday Feeling...

Yes, indeed today is a Sunday! Hence why I haven't updated this journal any earlier, as I'm in lazy mode! It's a Sunday thing! There is something lovely and warm feeling to be staying in bed on a Sunday. Went out for a drink with Doofus last night, which in hindsight, I really shouldn't have, as I just wasn't in the mood. During the day yesterday, FT told me that she was seriously considering going abroad for a while in the summer to teach English as a foreign language. And I took it pretty badly. I justfelt like everything I've started to pick up from my positive thinking books were just blown completely out of the water, and I had to start from scratch. I just felt as though it was a bad time right now for me to have to think and deal with that, after all the emotion of the past week. So last night, I couldn't tell you how I was feeling, because I just didn't know myself... I just felt all over the place. And no disrespect to the Doof, but I just wasn't up for sitting there talking about it, or trying to work out how I felt, when the person I needed to be talking to was at home. I suppose more than anything, I just felt scared. Things have hardly had chance to settle down yet, and at the first sign of change, I always see bad. So I know I need to carry on with the positives, cos it's far easier to let it get you down first. I just got scared. And when I get scared, all I think about is the bad that might happen or is happening. I had a bit of a chat to FT when I got back last night... I was only out half an hour as my mind was just elsewhere. I told her how I feel, and what's been going on in my head. And she listened, and we talked. I explained that I wasn't reacting badly because I don't want her to go abroad or anything like that, but more because I'm just feeling completely and utterly scared out of my wits at the minute, and I'm just finding that hard to deal with on top of the emotion of the past week. Something you have to see about my lady is how amazing and how special she is. She's the kind of woman who always looks on the positives, and doesn't dwell on the negatives. She always tries to see the best in people, and genuinely wants to help others. And they are some amazing qualities which I absolutely love about her. And I know doing stuff like teaching abroad and experiencing new cultures is her passion. I know it probably sounds weird, but she gets a certain glint in her eye, and a certain glow about her when she talks about doing stuff like that, which makes her even more beautiful than she is already. She's amazing with languages and I admire her in that sense. This is something I would never be able to do in a million years, even if I wanted to. I admire her courage, and dedication to what she wants. And all I want is to love and support her in whatever way I can. And I do truly believe I am the luckiest woman in the world that I get to do that. All I want is to be there for her. She's so special and gifted and intelligent, and amazing, and she deserves to live every one of her dreams... and if I can make any of them come true, then come hell or high water, I will. I'm not saying I want to be away from her for any period of time, or that I won't think about her every second of the day, and that hurts like hell knowing I'll feel like that. But I know deep down, that we will be ok, because our relationship is solid, and we can some through anything, and it makes us stronger. But I know that teaching abroad for a bit is an amazing opportunity, and something that someone as amazing and special as my beautiful lady needs to do. And I want her to do it, because I know it's something she would love, and she would get so much from it.
I think she knows deep down how I feel. She knows me inside out, so she knows what I'm feeling before I do most of the time, so I'm sure she knows that the only thing I want is what's best for her. And if she didn't know already, then she will if she reads this.
We spent the rest of the night settled down watching episodes of lost on DVD in our bed. It was lovely. Snuggled up, holding hands, cuddiling, kissing, the whole time. And then spooning each other as we go to sleep. Sometimes actions like that speak louder than any words that could be said.
We overslept this morning. Which was a bit crap, as FT still has quite a bit of her essay to write today, and wanted me to get up with her to read some poems from a book of Adrienne Rich which she bought me for Christmas. I must admit, I hadn't read any of it prior to today. Haven't really had the luxury of sitting down and reading for enjoyment, rather than for one reason or another. So I'm sitting there today, reading to her, all the time thinking to myself 'why the hell haven't I read this sooner?' In fact, I did get a little perturbed when she was interrupting me mid poem so she could write down lines for her essay! It's not as if the poems were extremely long! I'm not usually one to take great appreciation in literature in the slightest. My main source of reading is a book with a good story, or an autobiography which details a person's life. But I can't explain it, there was something about this poetry. It kinda gets you thinking and feeling and, I don't know, perhaps because it's lesbian written, and all the love poems are written from a lesbian standpoint, it touched me. And that is completely unlike me, as I'm more a factual scientific type, rather than an implied wordy in literature type! So I'm recommending it to anyone and everyone that reads this to go out and have a look for the work of Adrienne Rich. It's well worth a read! Believe me!
So now, as most of my Sunday is done, and I've spent time reading, and on msn, and writing in this! So now, I'm going to finally get off my arse, and take some food out the freezer to defrost. So I can go and prepare a lovely meal of salmon on a bed of rice, topped with hollandaise sauce, accompanied with green beans and baby corn for my beautifully tallented and hardworking girlfriend. So I can spoil her in the manner to which she deserves!