Black, White And Grey... With Lots of Pink in the Middle!

I don't really know where to begin. Who reads this anyway?! I've long pondered the debate about whether to actually post on my blog. I mean, why do we do it? Is it because we want to kid ourselves that our lives are interesting, and people will genuinely tune in to see what's going on? Is it because it's a way to keep friends and family, both near and far updated on our lives? Is it just an outlet in which to get things out in the open in some form so they don't completely destroy you inside, is it because we like to feel that someone out there cares enough to offer you some comfort and advice and support when life is shit and it's really gettting you down? Or is it simply because it's a way of sharing our thoughts and feelings, and a little part of ourselves either anonymously or directly with other people in the world without having to feel like you need to answer to someone else.
Maybe it's all of them.
It doesn't help that I feel abandoned by certain people I've opened my life up to on here, and more than I've published on here, and I feel like the trust and support I've offered has been thrown back in my face, and it leaves me wondering is this real, or just a figment of someone's imagination, like a sad soap opera. Yes, I'm hurting right now, and maybe I'm not of completely sane mind, but that doesn't make me a bad person, does it?
I don't know.
Life is shit right now, for many reasons. Yet I didn't want my blog to be a sob story of what's not going so well.
Yet I'm stuck in a quandry. How do I deal with how I'm feeling? I bottle it up and it eats away at me inside, and leaves me feeling seriously suicidal. Then I get even more frustrated that I haven't even got the bottle to do anything about that.
I can't talk to close friends and family. They all have oppinions and think it is like this, and should be like that, and I need to be doing this and not doing that. Yes, I do get the supportive approach, but I can't cope with the rest of it. I can't expect them to know what I need. I don't even know that myself right now. But all this frustration and anger and resentment I get from them, directed towards my beloved FT, whether they directly bitch or insinuate or perhaps when I'm feeling positive, they remind me that something might not be as I see it. It doesn't help. It hurts. I don't want to be around it. I don't want to deal with it. I just want to be left alone, in the same instance, being alone is the last thing in the world that I want right now.
There is no answer.
The reason for my post title is this: If white is together, and black is apart, then grey is somewhere in the middle either emotionally, mentally or physically, and pink, is well... an evening of the amazing Pink in concert last night!
FT's Mum and her boyfriend (who for the purpose of this post and here after shall be known as Dweeb because he is a right arse-licking wet blanket) came up for the weekend to go to this Pink concert we had tickets for. They all stayed at the flat. FT included. We shared a room. We shared a bed. Our bed. There is no easy or hard thing to do anymore. Everything turns in to various shades of grey. You might sit there and think that sharing the room and bed this weekend could only complicate matters and make things worse. I suppose in a sense, that's right. Yet in another way, it makes things easier. Neither of us sleep properly when we're apart. We've both been open and honest about that. I don't think I've slept properly since we split up. I don't know what it is about when we're together, but even when things are like they are, it just feels right, and we feel safe and relaxed, and we just sleep, so soundly. The only thing is, it's so hard not to look at that and keep asking yourself why things need to be the way they are now, when both of us are suffering so much. It doesn't matter that you know why... it doesn't stop you asking or thinking it though.
In some ways it made things so much better just being around each other and spending time together, and knowing and seeing that we are feeling the same. I think we both feel better because of all that. Inspite of worrying about the situation, and each other.
It's all such a mess. We seem to go from being really positive and enjoying things as they are, and then worrying about how things are now, and what happens in this period that we're going through now.
We're both completely in a mushy grey area right now. We both love each other. That much is obvious. That has never changed. We both couldn't go on as things were. Yes, FT was the one to be brave enough to say something, but we would have destroyed each other carrying on the way we were. Neither of us want things to be the way they are right now. I think we're both scaling the premises for a quick fix or fast forward button to move on to the next chapter. The one where everything is OK and there is a happy ending and the two amazing soulmates kiss and end up together with the big fat labrador in tow.
There is no fast forward button right now, and all the uncertainty and riding the storm is the hardest thing in the world to do.
It's not the grey area that's a living hell. You know what. To hell with what everyone else thinks. There is no clear 'this is what is right and what is wrong line'. We're doing what feels right for us, at the time. We can't move any other way. I just hate that people have opinions or think we're in a place that we're not. I know it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks or feels, but when you're hyper sensitive to the situation anyway, it doesn't help feeling like the world is against the one thing in the world that is keeping you going right now. And it does feel like that.

The hardest thing right now is Christmas. Christmas and New Year. We had it all planned how we were going to spend it. Together. We both fought the family both ends to make sure the coast was clear for us to spend our first proper christmas together. Now we don't have that. It's hard. This time last year, we were putting our christmas tree up, with all the special baubles and tinsel we bought. We were so excited. Now it's all just sitting there in the box. I can't face putting the tree up. I don't want it up. I don't want anything to do with christmas.
Maybe I'm weird, but to me, christmas and new year are one of the most special, romantic times of the year. I'm usually a big kid where christmas is concerned, getting into the spirit, and I like nothing more than sharing a drink, time and a few jokes with friends and family, and being around those you love most. I suppose I found last year a nightmare. FT and I were apart, and it was a living hell. She was in my head the whole day. What was she doing? Was she missing me? I wanted to be there, touch her, give her a peck on the cheek, hold her hand. Watch her open her presents. To see that look on her face. To see her tuck into her christmas dinner. Anything to see that beautiful smile. I think I spent most of the day ringing and voicemailing her at every available oportunity, just so she knew I was thinking of her, and missing her, and wanting to be with her. For me, to sit there, be with my family, eat dinner, pull crackers, open presents, it didn't mean anything without her there by my side. And then she fell out with her mum on christmas night and boxing day, and I was in pieces beacause I couldn't be there with her. I spent christmas counting the hours until it was time for me to go FT's mum's for new year. And then the world was a great place again - we spent new year together. And just counting down the new year and being with her, to hold her and kiss her, and just be with her, was the best feeling on earth. I have never been happier.
It dawns now that none of that is going to happen this year. I can't sit there and pretend that I'm ok and I'm enjoying being at home, and enjoying being with the family, when really, all I'm going to be thinking and feeling, is that the most important thing is missing. I'll still be wondering what she's doing, and if she's thinking of me, and misses me, and if she is having fun, or if she's smiling. Or even if she misses our christmas that should have been. I can't pull crackers and put on a brave face like it's all OK, when I'll be dying inside.
Then there's new year. You know, yes, I intended proposing at new year. But I'm not stupid, if things hadn't felt quite right, then I wouldn't have proposed. It was just when I thought would be the perfect time, seeing as the first christmas we spent together, was our christmas, which we had on new years day 2005 as we couldn't be together on christmas day itself. But now I can't face new year. I don't want to stand there counting down a ew year that I don't want to happen. I don't want there to be anymore new years. I don't want to be with anyone else at the turn of a new year, because no one else matters. And that kills me inside.
So I can't do any of it this year, and I really don't know what I'm going to do.
I just want to be on my own. But then I get accused of being selfish and not thinking of the family etc. But then if I go home and am miserable, then I get accused of being selfish and not thinking of anyone either. I can't win. I firmly can't. And I know that no one will understand that.
I hate christmas, and everything to do with it at the minute. I hate going shopping, with all the carols in every shop. The decorations. Just everything. I have never not wanted something to happen so less in all my life. I seriously do not go out, even food shopping unless I absolutely have to. If I see a christmas tree, I just want to knock it down or set fire to it. I feel that strongly. I hate it. I just hate it.
I had FT's mum tactlessly asking me if I was looking forward to going home for christmas this year. I couldn't handle it. I said no and left the room to play with my compter. It seemed a daft question really. Like I was going to say 'yeah, it's going to be ace'. I think FT went on about what a silly question that was and how neither of us are looking forward to christmas. See this is the thing, secretly the families are laughing as they get our undivided attention over the period now, something they wouldn't have done before. In fairness to her, she did invite me to them at christmas. I just don't know what to do. I'm going to hurt whatever I do. there is still christmas, and then new year, wherever I am, and I don't want it.
I suppose it would be fair to say I'm feeling a inconsolable over it. It's not going to be nice for anyone, and FT and I are big losers whatever happens. And neither of us ever wanted that.
It's all such a big mess. And I feel like I'm losing my fight.
If there is ever a chance of anything happening between FT and me, then I need to fight, and be positive, and look forward. Only I don't know how right now. My forward has gone and I need to re-focus onto a new form of forward. But this one is uncertain and has lots of this and thats and if this and if thats. I find it hard to fight when I don't know if what I'm fightning for is even possible. I suppose in my heart of hearts, I know it is, and in the bigger picture, I trust that fate has it meant to be. I just can't mentally and emotionally walk that path right now. I don't know how and I want to give in.
I love her so much... That is the only thing of which I am certain anymore. That and I really can't handle christmas!