Just a chance...

I don’t know what to say really. I’ve been avoiding posting on here. I suppose I hurt too much. I suppose everyone knows what’s been going on lately.
I feel like my life’s been turned into one big drama of late, and I don’t know the first thing about getting through it all. Probably if I was on the outside looking in, I’d be shouting at the TV screen and telling the various participants of the scene what to do. But it’s my life. And I’m lost, and I don’t know what to do!
I start seeing a counsellor tonight. That should be progress underway and a start to getting my life back on track. But I’m so full of fear about everything going on with FT. I just don’t know what to do with myself. I just can’t help thinking that if I’d done something about seeing someone sooner, then things wouldn’t be the way they are with us right now. That’s true. I know it is.
We’re the same people as we always were. The same people who fell so madly in love and had it all before them. Yet in other ways we’re different people to those who started out together way back then. In some ways everything is all still there, and in others, the barriers have come up and it seems the gulf between us is big.
But I know that deep down; we’re still those same people who fell in love. Who put smiles on each other’s faces. Who trusted and confided in each other like there was no one else in the world they’d rather share their deepest thoughts with. I know that’s still there.
I’m scared. She’s scared. We’re both scared. I know that. There’s nothing wrong with being scared. Scared is good. I realise that now. Comfort and complacency are like parasites to a relationship. I think that’s where we were. Too used to each other. Too bedded into a routine. And it’s led to both of us realising that actually, we’re not 65. We have years ahead of us, and we want more from life than to keep each other warm when it’s cold outside.
Now things are weird. We’re on a break, but neither of us seems to know properly what that means or how to handle it. We’ve never been just friends before. And I think that deep down, in part of us, neither of us wants to be just friends, but the way things are. The way things have been. It’s like, neither of us want to carry on with things the way they were, but we’re scared and don’t really know how to take things into a new direction. And then what if that doesn’t work? We might be in the same position a few more months down the line. We’re both hurting now, and neither of us wants to hurt again. So it’s scary to even think about trying again or what if it doesn’t work. I know she’s scared. I’m scared too.

The way things are, is no true reflection of how our relationship can or might progress in the future if we give it another go. We’re both so weird around each other. So close and warm towards each other one minute and offish and not knowing what to do the next. I know the space of being on a break is supposed to do us good, and in some ways it is. But in other ways it’s just driving us insane. The physical attraction is still there. That want and that need. That never goes away. And the mental and emotional attraction is although supposed to be on hold at the moment, that’s the one bit that fluctuates from on and intense to off and scary. I think it’s making emotions run high for the both of us. There’s supposed to be no pressure, but when your feelings fluctuate like they are doing, how can there be no pressure? When you’re constantly asking yourself ‘What’s going on? What does this feeling mean? I thought we were supposed to be easing off this for a bit?’ It’s not even so much as us putting pressure on each other, it’s like our feelings are putting pressure on us, and there’s no control over that, as hard as you try!

I make her smile. Even now I make her smile. Just like I did back then. I know I make her feel good inside. You can see it in her eyes. She talks to me, she opens up to me. Even though that’s not easy at the minute, and things have got weird and barriers have gone up and we don’t talk like we used to, we still open up to each other. She still blows me away, every second I look at her. She makes me smile, even now. Even though things are hard. She makes me feel safe, loved and protected, by a look, by a touch, by the things she says. And I do the same. I know I do. I still find her sexy and she turns me on, and makes me want to connect with her in that way, both physical and mental. And I do the same to her. She says so, and you can see it in the way she acts.
Just so much at the minute is focusing on the ‘what ifs’ and everything that has gone wrong, or not gone quite right, and the stresses and the pressures. I want to remember and relive how things were before they all got so complicated. I don’t mean go back. Going back would mean re treading over the same malfunctional path that’s brought us this far. I mean moving on, and using the past to shape the route from here.
She thinks we’ve go too far. But, how can it be too far when complications aside, things are still incredible? We’re soulmates, we’ve both said that. We know each other inside out, and trust and respect each other more than anyone else in the world ever could. And the physical attraction is stronger than ever.

But how can we see the good points and see how incredible things are when we’re so caught up emotionally on the ‘what ifs’ and fear and uncertainty? We lose sight of everything that is good between us whilst striving for space to sort out how we feel. But how can you sort out how you feel when you’re trying to stop yourself feeling to get clarity?
We just need a chance. We just need not to give up on each other, and just one more chance. I’m not saying ‘forever’ or serious commitment. That’s where we went wrong before. When the stresses and pressure are off, we’re good together. Just like we always were. I’m not saying you can forget all that’s happened. That’s impossible. But you can certainly learn from it and move forward.
When I say I want to try again, I don’t mean pick things up where we left off, or go all out for that commitment type thing. I just mean give each other a chance to make each other happy again. To make each other smile, that smile that no one else in the world brings out. That butterfly feeling and tingling you get when the other person is around. I know it’s not lost. I know it’s still there. I know parts of us still feel it, when the pressure is off. I’m not saying forever. Just a chance. Just a chance…