The Ring

I had a phonecall today. Not what I needed right now. You'll all remember a while ago I was going to propose to FT when she came back from Africa, and I'd had a ring ordered for collection the day before she was due back, but things didn't go to plan and I ended up cancelling it telling them I was going to wait a bit longer until I could afford the one I really wanted. I'd had it all planned I hate the date in mind and was saving up good and proper, to do it all good and properly and then all this happened. Anyway, the date I had planned in mind was new years eve. And I'd worked out a way to get the cash I needed, and so had told the jewellers I'd be back in touch towards the end of November to order the better one, the one I really wanted, in the right ring size. Only obviously, I hadn't been back in touch and so they phoned to see if I was still wanting the ring, as it would need to be ordered asap to get in in time for the end of December.
I didn't know what to say really! I think the guy on the phone guessed something was up, as he was a little taken aback, and didn't really know what to say. I just basically said that I'd be waiting a while before I needed it and so didn't need it ordered as yet. Better that than saying 'Unfortunately, the woman I want to marry doesn't feel the same anymore, so I'd love to spend £1,500 on the totally gorgeous ring, but I don't think I'd quite get the answer I want'. Gutted.
That's how I feel right now! Just a complete reminder of everything I had planned. And it couldn't have hit me at a worse time. Not the guy's fault I know, but I did want to give him a bollocking for ringing.

It sparked me off thinking about everything again. I'm proper gutted really. I mean, the night we split up, I ended up taking my eternity ring off and giving it back to her, and then seconds later, panicked because that wasn't what I wanted at all, I just didn't know what to do. She gave it me back, and I put it back on. But she took hers off and put it in her jewellery box, and it's been there ever since. A day later, it hurt so much wearing it, and not having her wear hers, that I took it off and replaced it with a crappy signet ring.
I felt lost without it. When we gave them to each other, they meant so much, and just because things aren't how we planned right now, doesn't mean that they mean any less than they did then. I remember so fondly how I gave her hers. I searched the whole of Sheffield to get it, and had to take her back to get the next size, and she loved it, and put it straight on, and never took it off. It was perfect. And I remember when she gave me mine, in bed one morning, cosyied up on the fold out sofa bed we shared in our old house. And how she put it on my finger, and told me how much I meant to her.
Just because things aren't how either of us wanted them to be, or how they were then, doesn't make those rings mean any less. If anything, it makes them mean more, and be more important. Everything they symbolise is love. Right now, both of us feel more alone than we have for a while. For me certainly for any point in my life. I put the ring back on the other day.
I couldn't live without it on. I know things are the way they are, and there are reasons, and that won't change. But I need it on my finger. I need to know that everything we had meant something. That it still does mean something, and it'll always will mean something, irrespective of how things are right now. I can't explain it. She's been such a big part of my life, and she always will be. And whether we're together or not, I still love her, and always will. I still care about her more than anything, and I still worry more than anything, and I don't want her to think that because of all of this, and two broken hearts, that I don't care. I feel like having the ring on reminds me that she still cares. You can't love like that and not care. I suppose I wish she was still wearing hers. Just so she knows I still care. So that if anything ever happens and she feels down or is in a bad place, that she'll know that I'm here, always here, and I loved, and cared, and still do.