Down on Myself and Not Quite Moving on
So mentally, I'm in no better place right now than I was at the weekend. I feel trapped. Like I know I'm acting and doing and saying things I know are not a wise choice, and I know I'm out of order for doing, yet I can't quite stop it until after I've done it.
I was thinking last night that my last blog post probably shouldn't have been. Maybe I shouldn't have put how I was feeling and acting down on screen for the world to see. It probably wasn't fair to FT or to anyone else concerned. Only I thought it was important, as it was an important thing for me to do as self realisation of that I need help and I can't carry on like this. Now I feel even more like I've fucked up as I've put FT in a position which I didn't want her to be in. I didn't mean to hurt anyone, or piss anyone off in the slightest. I tried to make the whole content of my last post about how I'd learned that what I was thinking and feeling wasn't rational, and without realising that, I wouldn't have been able to move on. That's the reason and the whole point of the rambled too-long post! I didn't mean to put anyone in a position or cause any bad feeling, or infer any responsibility of anyone for my thoughts or actions.
I wish I'd kept my mouth shut now!
I'm still down on myself!
I tried ringing the local 'Mind' today, to see if they could put me in touch with a counceller or anything. Only all I got was a 'please leave a message after the tone' message, with a tone that never ended so I had no opportunity to leave a god damn message! So I was a bit upset after that.
I then phoned my doctor for an appointment to see if they could do anything to help. Only I couldn't get an appointment until Monday morning, and I'm fairly dubious that they will be of any use, especially seeing as they were reluctant to prescribe me any medication when I had an infection and was literally choking on my swollen uvula! That and the fact that the appointment is bang at the time when my Mum and cousin are due to arrive for the week, and it probably means explaining to her what I'm going to the doctors for. So I'm worried about that too!
That, and I've been a fucking c**t this week. I've been doing some scanning of documents into the computer for FT, only I've even taken that too far. I've taken it upon myself to do better and more scanning than anyone, considering she has two other readers and someone else to help out if needed. I've been woman posessed. I don't know what's got into me. I think it's all related to my self esteem thing. It started off that I was just so glad to be given something useful to do, and I was feeling like I was actually being of use and contributing something good and making FT's life easier for her degree. But then I just took that a step too far, trying to finish all the books and documents, like I have to be better than everyone else. Only I've been doing it to the point of spending every spare second of my time in there, reluctant to come out to eat or do anything else until I've got as much done as possible.
I think a lot of it is a form of escapism... it's pretty much mindless work, and all the time I'm doing that, I'm doing something good and useful and if I get more done than anyone else (which is likely as I'm spending all my time in there), then I can feel good and better about myself, and FT will be pleased with me. And I don't have to be thinking about anything else.
The only trouble with that is I've now made myself knackered and I'm running on empty. So I've been rude. Hurtful. Selfish. Ignorant. And self absorbed, particularly with FT. And to make myself feel better about it, I've been doing more scanning and getting more tired. Been in a vicious circle. She's gone to choir tonight, and I think she just needs some space. I've been incredibly hard work. I can't blame her for needing a break, I would too in her shoes.
I don't know how I'm going to get on waiting for councelling of some form... I can't escape forever!
I'm just feeling a bit shit tonight. All I want is cuddles and to be held... yet when I'm like this, I'm almost impossible to love!
I was thinking last night that my last blog post probably shouldn't have been. Maybe I shouldn't have put how I was feeling and acting down on screen for the world to see. It probably wasn't fair to FT or to anyone else concerned. Only I thought it was important, as it was an important thing for me to do as self realisation of that I need help and I can't carry on like this. Now I feel even more like I've fucked up as I've put FT in a position which I didn't want her to be in. I didn't mean to hurt anyone, or piss anyone off in the slightest. I tried to make the whole content of my last post about how I'd learned that what I was thinking and feeling wasn't rational, and without realising that, I wouldn't have been able to move on. That's the reason and the whole point of the rambled too-long post! I didn't mean to put anyone in a position or cause any bad feeling, or infer any responsibility of anyone for my thoughts or actions.
I wish I'd kept my mouth shut now!
I'm still down on myself!
I tried ringing the local 'Mind' today, to see if they could put me in touch with a counceller or anything. Only all I got was a 'please leave a message after the tone' message, with a tone that never ended so I had no opportunity to leave a god damn message! So I was a bit upset after that.
I then phoned my doctor for an appointment to see if they could do anything to help. Only I couldn't get an appointment until Monday morning, and I'm fairly dubious that they will be of any use, especially seeing as they were reluctant to prescribe me any medication when I had an infection and was literally choking on my swollen uvula! That and the fact that the appointment is bang at the time when my Mum and cousin are due to arrive for the week, and it probably means explaining to her what I'm going to the doctors for. So I'm worried about that too!
That, and I've been a fucking c**t this week. I've been doing some scanning of documents into the computer for FT, only I've even taken that too far. I've taken it upon myself to do better and more scanning than anyone, considering she has two other readers and someone else to help out if needed. I've been woman posessed. I don't know what's got into me. I think it's all related to my self esteem thing. It started off that I was just so glad to be given something useful to do, and I was feeling like I was actually being of use and contributing something good and making FT's life easier for her degree. But then I just took that a step too far, trying to finish all the books and documents, like I have to be better than everyone else. Only I've been doing it to the point of spending every spare second of my time in there, reluctant to come out to eat or do anything else until I've got as much done as possible.
I think a lot of it is a form of escapism... it's pretty much mindless work, and all the time I'm doing that, I'm doing something good and useful and if I get more done than anyone else (which is likely as I'm spending all my time in there), then I can feel good and better about myself, and FT will be pleased with me. And I don't have to be thinking about anything else.
The only trouble with that is I've now made myself knackered and I'm running on empty. So I've been rude. Hurtful. Selfish. Ignorant. And self absorbed, particularly with FT. And to make myself feel better about it, I've been doing more scanning and getting more tired. Been in a vicious circle. She's gone to choir tonight, and I think she just needs some space. I've been incredibly hard work. I can't blame her for needing a break, I would too in her shoes.
I don't know how I'm going to get on waiting for councelling of some form... I can't escape forever!
I'm just feeling a bit shit tonight. All I want is cuddles and to be held... yet when I'm like this, I'm almost impossible to love!
posted by doctorlucy @ 6:55 pm
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