Half The World Away...

I thought that seemed as good a title as any. In some ways it describes how I'm feeling, and in others it makes me smile cos it's the theme tune to The Royle Family. Yeah, let's go with that.

I wish I had something of great importance to say really. Just about that I'm still here is all I can manage right now. Anyone that reads this probably reads FT's blog too, although loads that read hers don't read mine, but I'm safe in saying my initial statement is true. So that makes my life a little easier, as it means I don't need to go over explaining the 'home' situation as is at the moment. So you'll all know that FT has moved in with Sarah and Matt for a few weeks.
To be honest, as much as we were managing to get on living together at the moment, it was completely difficult. We've never lived together being anything other than together or wanting each other, so the situation would be difficilt anyway, but it was more than just a little difficult. We thought it best, as difficult as it is right now, that if we are to salvage any form of relationship, even if just a friendship, that we take this step to get our heads together, and look to all the positives this space can create, and who knows where we'll end up?
I cried myself to sleep Sunday night. I couldn't believe she had gone, and all I could think about were how things have changed and would never be the same anymore. I did not sleep well at all.
But I must have come to some conclusion in my fitful sleep, as for some unknown reason, I woke up feeling quite positive about it all. Maybe just the reduction in immediate tension had me feeling like there was progress already? I don't know.

Anyway, so I had these pitta breads that I'd bought before she moved out, and I wouldn't eat by myself, so I asked if she wanted to come round for dinner on Thursday, and she said 'yes'. I took this as a really positive step, not in the sense it means anything big, but just that we could do with a no pressure just enjoying each other's company evening. So I was feeling really positive about all that.
Anyway, I'm on MSN chatting to Doofus, telling her all of this, and then she just goes on about all the negatives, like FT is leading me on, and that there could never be no chance ever of us getting back together anywhere down the line, and I'm reading too much into it blah blah.
The long and the short of it is I got upset. I was feeling more positive, for whatever reason, but it had been the first day that I hadn't spent hours crying into my pillow. And I could just feel all the positivity ebbing out of me, being replaced by the negative 'what ifs' and trying to prempt how FT really was feeling etc. So I blocked her on msn, and refused to answer her calls or talk to her, save having an argument. I wouldn't have minded her honesty if it wasn't for the fact that she'd seen how low I was with it all the week before, and I just felt like she took me right back there.
The next thing I know she rings my mum and tells her about all of this, so my mum then rings me all concerned, wanting me to open up about how I am feeling, and not to act like this or like that and not to get hurt again. I had the usual, 'you deserve better' speech and 'don't fall into this trap and that trap' etc. Which is not what I want or need to hear, as no one can seem to understand, as much as I try to tell them, that I can't help the way that I feel, and that even if I do get hurt a million times over, then there is no other way for me, and there is nothing anyone can say or do. They're just making me feel a million times worse about it all.
And the only person I feel like I can talk to about it all, is FT, and I'm not sure she wants to hear it, or whether I'm doing the right thing talking to her about it.

I don't know. Just I don't feel positive today at all. I don't know what to say or do. And to be honest, I feel a bit screwed over by people who claim to be friends, but don't seem to act in the same manner. I could go on forever on this rant, but I'm not going to. I don't even know how much of it is me being over-sensitive and how much is fact anymore. I'm just having a crap day. Think I'm going to just disappear any maybe post later when I'm feeling better.