A Happy World, Turned Upside down

I'm sure many of you read FT's blog. So I don't need to relive the events that have happened of late.
It's impossible to try and post anything here. But I have to be seen to be doing something. How can I be honest and explain how I'm feeling and what is going on for me right now? All I can say is I hurt. I feel numb, and I hurt. More than I ever thought it possible.
I don't hate her. I don't blame her. I love her too much for all of that. I feel like I can't cope. I can't deal with all this. One minute I think I'm making progress, and it'll all be alright, and the next I remember something or think of something that can't be anymore, and I just break down.
I've gone from flipping out angry to hysterically balling my eyes out. Repeatedly over the past four days. You never know what you're going to get.
I can understand why things have to be the way they are. There have been issues that we both need to deal with. And they're the kind of things that if we stay together while we sort through them, that it'll just tear us apart and we'll end up hating each other. Neither of us want that.
Deep down though, neither of us want this. Both of us just want a switch that you can press to make everything calm down, like an 'issue comander' switch. That's impossible. There is no such thing.
All this is so hard right now. This is the last place in the world either of us wanted to be. And god knows if there was a way to fix it all, we'd do it in a shot.
We've been awkward and distant with each other, not wanting to get too close. We've not know what to say, or what to do, or where to be. Sharing a house is the most difficult right now. Everything here is ours. Not mine, not hers, but ours. Even stuff that we owned beforehand has become ours. How you can even think about dividing all that and splitting it is just beyond thought. I'm in no place to delve to deep into all that right now. It's just so raw.
I look into her eyes, and I still get all those feelings I got the first day I set eyes on her. My heart still pounds, I smile, both inside and out. I feel an overwhelming urge to make her laugh and to see that gorgeous smile of hers. As much as I hurt, and as much that has happened, I can't stop that. It makes me hurt more to feel every second of every day just how much we have lost. I look into her eyes, and I can see that she still cares. I can see that she still loves me. I can see that she doesn't want any of this just as much as I don't. I can see a million reasons why she says that she feels differently to how she once did. I can see where it went wrong, and the things I've done to make her feel like she can't go on. I know no one person can take all the blame, but I can see that one particular thing that I did, has caused a whole load of subsequent reactions in both of us, and from then on we stopped fighting on the same page. I hate that. One mistake has lead up to this point now. And we both hurt like we never thought possible.
Yes we've had issues and yes we've had problems, but it wasn't all bad. She's given me the best two years of my life, and I know I've done the same for her. We've sat and talked, at length since we broke up. It's better that feeling hurt and broken and like the other person doesn't care or falling out with each other. It kills me when we fall out. More now than ever. We've identified a lot of where things deteriorated, and I think that will probably haunt me for the rest of my life. We've both said that neither of us want this, and if there was any way to fix things immediately, then we would. But I can't fix the issues I have overnight, and to stay together while I try to do that, would destroy us. Deep down, I know it would, but it doesn't stop me hating this and it being the last thing in the world I want. I so want to be able to fix all this and go back to how things were, and hang in there etc. But we'd just end up resenting each other. I need to stand on my feet. Develop some self confidence and independence a bit more. Without that, I can't function as a person, and it's not fair to expect the one person I love most in the world to help me and pick me up.
One mistake, and it destroys all that is good in my life. It hurts that I can't get a chance to try and put things right right now. But I know that isn't possible. We need space and time to get our heads together. I need time to sort myself out.
Maybe then. Maybe in some months time, when all that has been done, that we'll get that second chance. I know that if fate wants us together that we'll end up together no matter what. And I just know that from the way that we met and all those feelings and the way that we felt, that it is fate that we went through all that then, and that we are meant to be together.
Whether in a few months, a few years, or in the next lifetime. I don't care what anyone thinks. We ARE soulmates, and we are meant to be together. And we will end up together some where, some how.
Just all of this right now is impossible. I've never felt so much love, so strong. Yet to go through being apart, hurts more than anything in the world ever. Anything I could ever imagine.
I just love her. I love her so much. I always will. I could never stop. She is part of me. She's my soulmate. I'm breaking inside. I love her!