Autopilot & Heart to Hearts

OK, this isn't going to be a post of what I've been up to this week. More of a where my head is at.
I know it sounds crazy, but it's like I've reached a point now where I'm like 'what the fuck? Where the hell have I been, and what the hell am I doing?'
I got to a point earlier this week, when I almost felt like I 'woke up'. And that's probably about the best analogy I can use. I was speeking to my friend Doofus last night, and she say I was purely and simply on autopilot, and have been for a while. And this was pretty much what I concluded earlier in the week.
I don't want to give the impression that things between FT and me ar bad, or have been bad. It's quite the opposite in fact, things are good and have never been better. But somewhere along the line, we've both adopted, without realising it, the self preservation approach and haven't been communicating in quite the same way as before.
See, now I've made it sound like we don't talk and stuff, which is utter crap, because we do. From the kind of situation that most couples would be at the peak of their relationship. But that's not us. We've always been deeper than that. Able to trust each other with our deepest thoughts and feelings, only recently, we don't quite go as deep as we used to.

I completely had a cork up my arse about realising that was evening happening until Thursday night.
We went out to a local pub quiz. Just us, we left Spoons at home. It was an amazing night. Nowhere else to be. No distractions. No need to rush home. Just us, spending some proper quality time together. It was out of this world! We spent most of the night just staring at each other, and laughing to the point of being in agony with stomach cramps. I think there and then I saw a light in both of our eyes, and I realised then just hom much I'd shut myself down. Not just while FT was in Africa, but before that. And there and then I hated feeling shut down. I hated knowing that by me shutting myself down and my feelings out, even from myself to a certain extent, has caused things to spiral to where we are now. As I've said, it's not like we're bad, or we don't talk. But it's almost as though we both retreated to that whole not wanting to say too much to upset or put the other person off, like you get when you first start seeing someone. And that's not us.
The bottom line is, I didn't know how to cope with FT going to Africa, and my answer was to shut down and pretend it wasn't happening. Consequently, I pushed FT away. I left her with no option but to shut down too. And that left me feeling more and more left out. Something neither of us intentionally wanted, but the way I was handling things didn't leave much option.

Last night, we had a bit of a heart to heart. Finally opening up about things that both of us had shut each other out over. Not one of these ultimatum heart to hearts... as I said, it wasn't that bad. But it was an important start in opening up again. We talked for ages. About everything. How we were feeling before she went. How we were both feeling while she was away. And how we both feel now, and just everything!
The thing I'm finding the most difficult right now is just how much I've alienated myself from the whole thing. And I'm trying to come to terms that hating myself for it all isn't going to help in the slightest. It isn't going to encourage either of us to open up, and it isn't going to make me feel included, just even more excluded. I'm almost too good at casting myself as the victim or the bad guy, and I'm never quick enough to step up to the plate and move on.
So now I've finally stepped outside the well of self pity, so hopefully now I won't drown. So now I'm trying my hardest to get my head sorted to the point of stopping the stupid looks and comments regarding anything to do with Africa. I'm making progress! Slowly but surely, I'm making progress...