Breaking Point
I'm hurting right now. Have been for a while, and it's not going away. It's nothing between us. Well, not directly at least. We're strong. Stronger than ever. Coming out's a big deal whenever you do it, but it seems so much worse at 24 than if I were younger. There are so many more issues to face now than if it happened earlier in life.
I'm begining to feel ripped apart at the edges, and I don't know what to do. I'm scared. Scared beyond belief. I know I have FT and I always will, and I know I have my Mum's support, but my Nan is 86 and doesn't have much longer left in this world. She's spent so much being so proud of me, it would kill me if she spent the rest of her life feeling but nothing but disappointment in me. That scares me to death.
But pretending things aren't as they are is tearing me apart. I hurt so much. I'm upset. I'm angry that this even has to be an issue. But more than anything else, I'm scared.
I'm not able to do most of the things that mean so much to me in life right now, and the one thing that stands before me is the one thing that scares me more than anything else in the world. I need to do it. I need to jump. There is no alternative or short cut to get to where I need to be. To get where we need to be.
I wish I were different. I wish I were braver, or perhaps a little more selfish. Maybe then I'd be able to not be so scared and could just do it, whatever the consequences. I've been disowned by one side of my family for a different reason, admittedly, but I don't want my only Nan to hate me when I can see how proud I've made her.
I'm sorry I'm not brave, and I'm not selfish, and I'm too much of a fucking coward. I don't care if the rest of the family can't stand the sight of me, I just don't want to hurt my Nan after giving her so much joy and pride in me. Maybe I'm selfish for that. I don't know.
My head's all over the place. I hurt right now more than I can put into words.
I'm not fair to FT. The woman I love, and the woman I worship and adore more than anything in the world. I expect too much patience from her. She hasn't said nothing that I haven't spent these past two years thinking myself, and more besides. I hurt her. I know I do. And that makes me hurt a million times more.
I let her down. I know she says I don't. But I do. I know I do. For every second this goes on, I let her down. I let us down. I hate myself for that.
I'm completely torn apart. I want to bend down on one knee tomorrow and ask her to be mine forever tomorrow. But how can I do that when I'm not out yet? I don't want to live a lie, but I don't know how to do it.
I didn't intend for it to be like this. God I didn't ever intend for it to be like this. I just got so fucking lost along the way. I've fucked it all up.
I'm always hurting someone. I hate myself for that.
I'm just a complete coward. I just know if I had enough balls I'd probably do something stupid, so I couldn't let any of them down anymore. That just about sums it up though, not even got the balls to do that!
I don't know what to do! I don't know how to do it! I just want things to be alright. I hate letting FT down. I don't deserve her. She deserves far better than I could ever give her. That hurts me to.
I don't know how to do it. I don't know how to fix it. I love her so much! I love us so much!
It's all such a fucking mess!
I'm begining to feel ripped apart at the edges, and I don't know what to do. I'm scared. Scared beyond belief. I know I have FT and I always will, and I know I have my Mum's support, but my Nan is 86 and doesn't have much longer left in this world. She's spent so much being so proud of me, it would kill me if she spent the rest of her life feeling but nothing but disappointment in me. That scares me to death.
But pretending things aren't as they are is tearing me apart. I hurt so much. I'm upset. I'm angry that this even has to be an issue. But more than anything else, I'm scared.
I'm not able to do most of the things that mean so much to me in life right now, and the one thing that stands before me is the one thing that scares me more than anything else in the world. I need to do it. I need to jump. There is no alternative or short cut to get to where I need to be. To get where we need to be.
I wish I were different. I wish I were braver, or perhaps a little more selfish. Maybe then I'd be able to not be so scared and could just do it, whatever the consequences. I've been disowned by one side of my family for a different reason, admittedly, but I don't want my only Nan to hate me when I can see how proud I've made her.
I'm sorry I'm not brave, and I'm not selfish, and I'm too much of a fucking coward. I don't care if the rest of the family can't stand the sight of me, I just don't want to hurt my Nan after giving her so much joy and pride in me. Maybe I'm selfish for that. I don't know.
My head's all over the place. I hurt right now more than I can put into words.
I'm not fair to FT. The woman I love, and the woman I worship and adore more than anything in the world. I expect too much patience from her. She hasn't said nothing that I haven't spent these past two years thinking myself, and more besides. I hurt her. I know I do. And that makes me hurt a million times more.
I let her down. I know she says I don't. But I do. I know I do. For every second this goes on, I let her down. I let us down. I hate myself for that.
I'm completely torn apart. I want to bend down on one knee tomorrow and ask her to be mine forever tomorrow. But how can I do that when I'm not out yet? I don't want to live a lie, but I don't know how to do it.
I didn't intend for it to be like this. God I didn't ever intend for it to be like this. I just got so fucking lost along the way. I've fucked it all up.
I'm always hurting someone. I hate myself for that.
I'm just a complete coward. I just know if I had enough balls I'd probably do something stupid, so I couldn't let any of them down anymore. That just about sums it up though, not even got the balls to do that!
I don't know what to do! I don't know how to do it! I just want things to be alright. I hate letting FT down. I don't deserve her. She deserves far better than I could ever give her. That hurts me to.
I don't know how to do it. I don't know how to fix it. I love her so much! I love us so much!
It's all such a fucking mess!
posted by doctorlucy @ 7:04 pm
2 Comments:
At 10:24 pm,
High Maintenance Femme said…
baby! I just want to take the pain away. We'll do it together, we can get through anything together, and it'll all be ok, I promise. I love you more than words can say, you are my world. Please never forget that, especially when you're feeling like this. xxxxxxxxxxxxxx
At 1:20 pm,
Anonymous said…
You are brave, and don't you let anyone tell you different. Coming out is not easy at any stage in your life - and I've discovered you have to keep on doing it, over and over - it's hard. Half of my family don't know either.
I only know you a little bit from the DLS forum, but that's enough to know you're a fantastic lady, and you don't deserve all this beating up on yourself. I'm glad the next post up sounds more positive, I hope you're alright.
Blessings to the pair of you. :)
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