In my dreams...

Things right now are pretty impossible. I want her. She wants me. I love her. She loves me. But we can’t be together right now the way both of us want and need to be.
That doesn’t stop the feelings. The want and the need. The desire that burns down deep inside.
I look at her, and I see the woman I fell so madly, passionately in love with. I still feel the same way. I feel exactly as I did way back then. She still turns my heart to mush. She still gives me goose bumps when she walks into the room. She makes me smile without doing anything. When she looks into my eyes, my heart pounds, and turns to complete mush in a single second. That still happens even now. After everything that has happened. It makes no difference to how I feel. She makes me feel warm. She makes me feel loved. She makes me feel wanted. But above all. She makes me feel alive. I’m addicted to her. When we’re apart, I feel nothing. Nothing but numb and loss.
When we are together, none of that matters anymore.
I feel alive. I feel electrified. There is nothing on this earth like it. She feels it too. I know she does.
I know her. I can see it in her eyes. I can see it in the way she is.
That fire and that passion is still there. So is the love and the warmth. Day after day we ask ourselves why are we here? What is it fate has in store for us that we are at this point, when both of us want to be together so much.
We can’t be apart. It kills us both inside. Yet when we are together. There is something there. More than just friendship. There’s still that connection. Still that spark.
She turns me on. She always has. From the first moment I set eyes on her, and she didn’t even know I was in the room, she awoke something inside me. This electrifying spark. This connection. This uncontrollable desire.

The sexual tension between us is electrifying. So intense. As intense as ever. If not more so. We enjoy spending time together. Doing things together. I don’t think either of us could cope without that side of things. Especially when we’ve been such a big part of each other’s lives, and we still love each other.
Yet in some ways, it is absolutely unbearable.
When I see her, in the kitchen, at the sink, next to the table, I just want to walk up behind her, wrap my arms around her luscious waist, bury my head in her neck, smelling the intoxicating odour of her hair, and her skin, and to lightly kiss her neck in the way I love, and the way she loves to be kissed. I seem to spend an eternity thinking about all the things like that. I think to myself: ‘just do it’, ‘you know her, you know that she wants it and is thinking it too’, then I think to myself: ‘you can’t make her feel uncomfortable’, ‘you’re not making this any easier for either of you’, ‘what if she doesn’t want to, then you’ll only get hurt’.
I still want her all the time. I want to know that she still wants me. That she feels like she still needs me. I can’t be the only one that can’t live without all of the closeness that we share. Can I? I miss the way she used to be with me. Now it seems instead of getting the real FT, I get the ‘I should be doing thism and shouldn’t be doing that’ FT. I know her. I know that’s how she feels inside. My heart is aching for her to follow hers. To give in to her desires. I can’t believe that she doesn’t feel the same as I do. It all meant so much more than that.
She makes me randy, and I want her all the time. But because of where we are now, we both feel like we can’t act on our desires and our impulses. I’ve been bad. I’ve not been able to be as disciplined as perhaps the situation dictates. I can’t! She’s my weakness. My addiction. I mean, come on, she is the sexiest woman on the planet. The thought that she can be more restrained than me kills me. I want her. Damn I want her. I want to see that passion. That fiery passion of the tiger that I fell so deeply in love with. That passion that kept us both together and strong for the past two years. I can see it’s still there. I can feel it like a drum, pounding out between both of us. That will never die. As long as we live, that will never die. Of that much, I am sure.
This sounds all sexual. But it’s so much more than that. The connection that runs between us, is so much more than sex. That passion, that love, that intensity, is some much deeper than sex. I suppose the sexual side of things is just an avenue of showing it, or feeling it. Of holding on to that connection and feeling it’s intensity pumping through our veins. It is never sex. As passionate and rampant as it can get. It is never just sex, or just fucking, it’s more than that. It’s connecting. Treasuring, worshiping, respecting, honouring, and making love.
I want to feel her. I want to feel her passion. I know it’s still there. I know it still flows. I know it’s not dead!
I want her to want me. I want to be thrown against the wall and completely and utterly dominated. I want the fire. I want the passion.
I know it’s there. We’ve had ‘moments’. Whether feeling lost and neglected and in the midst of one of our legendary cuddles, or play-fighting for ticklish spots. We’ve had moments, when we’ve given in to what should and shouldn’t be. I know it’s still there. I can feel it. She can too. I know it.
Everyone only ever sees the brave side to us. The side we show the world to try and convince ourselves everything is alright. Neither of us feel it. Deep down, neither of us want it.
But this is what fate has in store for us right now. Maybe in the bigger picture of things, this is a small insignificant step in the happy future of our lives. I believe fate is on our side. However hard this is now. And however much we want each other.
In my dreams...