My Little Black Hole

I'm feeling worse today than I have done in a good few days! Everything up to now has been fairly positive since my counselling session last week. Only today, I spent half an hour sitting on the toilet at work sobbing.
I woke up this morning, well, the dog woke me up. FT and I were sharing a bed having spent a lovely relaxing evening watching Lost on video that my Mum recorded to me. Spoons woke me up half an hour before my alarm was due to go off, because she needed a wee... she was whining. I'd have sympathy, but I was a little frustrated because she just will not use her pen to spend in at the moment. And this is the dog that has held her need for a wee for 20 hours before. So she obviously didn't go when FT took her out last night, and so I was woken to do the honours this morning. I wouldn't mind, but it seemed a bit pointless to try and go back to sleep for just half an hour! Anyway, I was absolutely freezing, and ended up jumping back into bed shivering beyond belief because I was so cold.
Then FT put her arms around me, and spooned me. And for a moment, I felt the luckiest woman in the world. There is no feeling in the world like that! Then, I knew it was a bad day, when my brain started to run away from me, and there was nothing I could do to slow it down!
'This feels so right, why can't be be like this all the time?'
'We're perfect for each other, we make each other laugh, we're always there for each other, there's this spark between us that could never ever exist with anyone else, why do we have to go through this?'
'Don't be stupid Luce, you know the answers to all of this, you need space and time to sort your heads out individually, and you know fate has is mapped out for you to be together, just hang in there, be positive, and get through this for you.'
'But things were so good the past couple of days, but she seemed different today, what if she doesn't love me anymore? I know she loves me, but what if she's having second thoughts'.
I lay there for the full half an hour, all this going through my head.
I know rationally what we need to do. And that even when things go brilliant, and are just like they were when we were soppy and romantic and in the height of our togetherness, I still know that we need space and time, and that maybe after that she backs off because she doesn't want me to think that we can fix this tomorrow. Maybe she's reminding herself that we can't just get back together and fix this tomorrow? If there is any chance for an us, we need time.
There are no definites... I find that harder than you can imagine. I've always clung to something certain to get me through hard times in my life. She was my certain. I can't cling to that anymore. I don't know what to do.
I lay there in her arms. Thinking and thinking. And the last thing I wanted to do was think! I was drowing in my thoughts. They were slowly killing me. I kept telling myself 'shut up', 'stop reading into things', 'stop looking too far to the future, when you do, it all gets so messed up. Just look to the day ahead, things have been going so well, keep focusing on that.'
The thoughts won. I couldn't shut them out.
I lay there, and for the first time I think that I've ever truly thought it, but I just wanted to go to sleep and never wake up.
I wanted all the thinking to stop, and I just felt so right, so loved, so perfect lying there in her arms. I just wanted to drift off to a peaceful sleep, and never wake up again. All I could think was that if this was the last memory I was to have lying there, feeling loved, and complete, and with my soulmate by my side, that I would die the happiest woman in the world.

And from there I've ended up in a right teary state all day. Fortunately we don't have kids in on a Wednesday afternoon, so it was fairly quiet. But I thought I was going to crack up.
I went to counselling tonight, and I don't know if it done any good at all really. I didn't really say much, and didn't seem very responsive to anything he said. Maybe some good did come out of it somewhere? Right now, I don't know.
I just need to stop letting my brain run away and analyse things... the one thing I really struggle with!

I was reading a blog yesterday. Written by someone experiencing something not too disimilar to what I'm going through right now. And it seems, in terms of fluctuating between positive and depressive thoughts, we seem quite similar there too. There was something she said though, that left me thinking about myself. How I'm feeling right now, and how I deal with things.
What she said was this: "...I want her to feel the loss as acutely as I do. I want it to take over and destroy part of her life..."
For the first time, I sat back and thought about my hurt. My loss. How it hits me. How I really feel about FT. It left me thinking 'part of you must be angry with her, or hate her for all of this. You get angry and bitter so easily, you feel resentment so easily, somewhere inside you, there must be some of this toward FT.'
I sat and I thought. And I searched my heart and my soul for all my feelings. How I really feel about her. I came to this conclusion: I do NOT hate her. I could never hate her. Yes, I hurt, but I know this is the last thing in the world she wanted to happen. I know this hurt is the last thing in the world she wanted me to feel. I love her. Maybe, in a strange a way as it sounds, I love her now, more and deeper than I did before, because she loves me enough to not lie to me. Not to carry on and hope things would put themselves right, but to make the hard decision, and maybe, there will be a future at the end of it. That hurts more than anything, that because of all of this, I love her more now than I ever did, and yet we can't be together as things stand. That kills me more and more each day.
But I could never EVER wish any hurt or pain on her. As much as I hurt, and I feel like my insides have been ripped out and I'm in pieces and don't know how to put them all back together again, I could never wish any of this on her.
I love her too deeply, too damn much to ever want her heart to ache and yearn like mine does right now. I love her too much to wish her any pain.
That's how I know she's my soulmate.