Feeling Shitty
Why is there something about having a cold and feeling shitty and all sorts, which just seems to magnify every other issue you're dealing with at the time too?! Maybe I'm off on another over-inflated sense of self importance again, or maybe way too advanced right now in the field of self-pity. Maybe I wouldn't be so bad if I wasn't ill right now?! Either way, colds are a product of satan! Pure evil, and I wish the little virus bastards would just fuck off and leave me alone!
I'm at that stage right now where I feel for want of a better analogy, thoroughly contained in my own head! I can't breathe properly, and have a permanently nasty taste in my mouth, of probably stale snot which I just can't get to bugger off from my nasal passages, and I just feel that bunged up, I almost feel sick and giddy, and like my head is just about ready to burst! Besides all that, I've got like a million and one things floating round my head, and absolutely no energy to deal with it!
I feel frustrated and angry that once again I'm ill! Just for once I'd like to be fit and healthy! I feel it worse too cos I'm asthmatic, so I tend to feel lightheaded and needing my inhaler more than usual etc. It just sucks, and I'm upset and frustrated with it! I'm just sick of battling right now! And it feels like I'm battling a hell of a lot and I don't know what to do! I'm trying to deal with enough, let alone having a fucking cold to deal with! If someone wanted to give me something, then money would be nice, not the fucking lergie!
I suppose the real thing that is getting to me right now is FT and Africa. It seems a reoccurring theme and I seem to yo yo with it, going from OK and supportive, and even excited for her to a certain degree, to completely in bits. And again I'm at the latter right now. And I just struggle. Her flight tickets arrived yesterday, and we were both expecting them later on in the week, so it surprised us both. That sparked me off again. I just felt caught on the back foot. I feel permanently on the back foot with the whole thing.
I'm not irrational in the slightest. I know this is the opportunity of a lifetime, and that she had to do it. I can see why she's doing it, and I understand. And deep down, I know it's best for her, and I want her to go and get all she can from it. But that doesn't stop all my other feelings. That's a constant battle. I can't begin to explain how hard I find it not to let them all take over on a daily basis. And right now, I don't have the energy to fight.
I just feel raw. I feel angry, and upset, and sick, and alone. That all happens before I get chance to rationalise the situation. That happened yesterday when the tickets came. She's obviously stronger than me. I couldn't do it. I was in my final year of uni when we fell in love, and I no longer had reason to be in Sheffield. But I knew then I could never be without her. I stayed. We moved into a new flat together. I disappointed all my family by not moving back. But I had to be with her, and if that meant giving up everything I knew and embarking on something different, away from my comfort zone, then that's what had to be. I go back now less than I ever did. If it's 3-4 times a year, that's as much as it is. I miss my family sometimes, and I miss my mittens always. I rarely get to see them, they live too far away for day trips. It's too far. It's too expensive. I look at it logically, and I ask myself 'how do I manage it?' And the answer is FT.
She's always there for me. She's everything to me. I have no regrets for anything I've given up or left behind. She means more to me than all that put together, and if I had the choice to make all over again, it'd be the same, without a shadow of doubt. She gives me the strength and courage to be a better person. To move out of my comfort zone, and make a better life for me, and for her.
People from back home can't understand that. They never will. No one could ever understand the connection we share. Or the decisions I've made to stay here, to be with her. All to often it's a decision between 'the family, or your life', and unless the family wins, things change. I don't need or have any desire to justify my life and my decisions to anyone.
But what do I do for the month that she's in Africa? I know that No one really understands. How can they? It's something only we share. That only us could ever share. I just feel like I'm on my own with this. And I find that hard, because it's taken everything from me to share my life and my soul with FT. So much trust, and love, and respect, and everything inbetween. I've spent the past 19 months sharing my life with her, and, yeah, so it's only a month, but it's a whole month that I'm going to have to deal with everything myself. More than anything I want her to be OK and to have a good time and get as much as she can from the experience. So how then can I tell when I'm missing her, and how it feels having an ache in my heart for her? How can I do any of that, telling her how I really feel when all I know is how it will spoil this for her? I can't do that. So I cut myself off. I try not to talk about it. I don't want to think about how I really feel. And I sure as hell don't want her to know. But I can't talk to anyone else either! No one else knows this. No one else knows us. How we feel for each other is that once in a lifetime love that many people go their whole lives without experiencing. And I know that's the case with my family. People are all to ready to liken things to their experiences, and I know this is all new for my family. If I go to them, then I just seem weak or pathetic, or they think what we have is unhealthy, or it'll be trivialised. And I can't face that.
So I carry on, hoping that at some point I'll find a way. A method. A strategy of dealing with it without feeling like complete and utter shit. Without feeling weak and alone.
On a defencive scale I get angry. A bit like I do when I have a cold, or when things change and I don't like it. I haven't asked for any of this to happen, and I get angry because I have to deal with something, on my own, that I really can't find a way around, and that I really don't want to happen or deal with. So I get offish. I can't find a way around.
I don't know what to do for the best. I'm not strong. I can't be strong. I just feel lost.
I don't know what to do for the best. I'm not strong. I can't be strong. I just feel lost.Only the current avoidance tactic is starting to become less and less effective, and I'm starting to feel more and more out of control. It's in my head. I can't get it out. And saying 'just forget about it for now' isn't working. The more I try that, the harder and harder it gets the next time it pops into my head.
We have a holiday booked in a few weeks time. And I know it probably sounds stupid, but I really can't get hyped up about it. We talked about it before we booked it, and we said it's be a good way of spending time together before she goes, and we'll have a lovely time etc. But it just seems to slip my mind. I just feel like I want to stop time so I can catch up. Or slip into a world of unconsciousness until she gets back in August. I really want to have an amazing holiday in Tunisia. Just like we had in Cyprus last year. But the closer we get to July, the harder time I'm having dealing with things. I'm just so scared of ruining this holiday cos I can't get my head around dealing with Africa. She'll hate me if I fuck it all up and ruin it. And I can't face that. I'm having trouble switching it off now, so how am I going to manage it two weeks before she's going?
I don't know. Maybe I'm exaggerating everything because I'm not feeling well right now. I don't know!
I just wish I was stronger.
I'm at that stage right now where I feel for want of a better analogy, thoroughly contained in my own head! I can't breathe properly, and have a permanently nasty taste in my mouth, of probably stale snot which I just can't get to bugger off from my nasal passages, and I just feel that bunged up, I almost feel sick and giddy, and like my head is just about ready to burst! Besides all that, I've got like a million and one things floating round my head, and absolutely no energy to deal with it!
I feel frustrated and angry that once again I'm ill! Just for once I'd like to be fit and healthy! I feel it worse too cos I'm asthmatic, so I tend to feel lightheaded and needing my inhaler more than usual etc. It just sucks, and I'm upset and frustrated with it! I'm just sick of battling right now! And it feels like I'm battling a hell of a lot and I don't know what to do! I'm trying to deal with enough, let alone having a fucking cold to deal with! If someone wanted to give me something, then money would be nice, not the fucking lergie!
I suppose the real thing that is getting to me right now is FT and Africa. It seems a reoccurring theme and I seem to yo yo with it, going from OK and supportive, and even excited for her to a certain degree, to completely in bits. And again I'm at the latter right now. And I just struggle. Her flight tickets arrived yesterday, and we were both expecting them later on in the week, so it surprised us both. That sparked me off again. I just felt caught on the back foot. I feel permanently on the back foot with the whole thing.
I'm not irrational in the slightest. I know this is the opportunity of a lifetime, and that she had to do it. I can see why she's doing it, and I understand. And deep down, I know it's best for her, and I want her to go and get all she can from it. But that doesn't stop all my other feelings. That's a constant battle. I can't begin to explain how hard I find it not to let them all take over on a daily basis. And right now, I don't have the energy to fight.
I just feel raw. I feel angry, and upset, and sick, and alone. That all happens before I get chance to rationalise the situation. That happened yesterday when the tickets came. She's obviously stronger than me. I couldn't do it. I was in my final year of uni when we fell in love, and I no longer had reason to be in Sheffield. But I knew then I could never be without her. I stayed. We moved into a new flat together. I disappointed all my family by not moving back. But I had to be with her, and if that meant giving up everything I knew and embarking on something different, away from my comfort zone, then that's what had to be. I go back now less than I ever did. If it's 3-4 times a year, that's as much as it is. I miss my family sometimes, and I miss my mittens always. I rarely get to see them, they live too far away for day trips. It's too far. It's too expensive. I look at it logically, and I ask myself 'how do I manage it?' And the answer is FT.
She's always there for me. She's everything to me. I have no regrets for anything I've given up or left behind. She means more to me than all that put together, and if I had the choice to make all over again, it'd be the same, without a shadow of doubt. She gives me the strength and courage to be a better person. To move out of my comfort zone, and make a better life for me, and for her.
People from back home can't understand that. They never will. No one could ever understand the connection we share. Or the decisions I've made to stay here, to be with her. All to often it's a decision between 'the family, or your life', and unless the family wins, things change. I don't need or have any desire to justify my life and my decisions to anyone.
But what do I do for the month that she's in Africa? I know that No one really understands. How can they? It's something only we share. That only us could ever share. I just feel like I'm on my own with this. And I find that hard, because it's taken everything from me to share my life and my soul with FT. So much trust, and love, and respect, and everything inbetween. I've spent the past 19 months sharing my life with her, and, yeah, so it's only a month, but it's a whole month that I'm going to have to deal with everything myself. More than anything I want her to be OK and to have a good time and get as much as she can from the experience. So how then can I tell when I'm missing her, and how it feels having an ache in my heart for her? How can I do any of that, telling her how I really feel when all I know is how it will spoil this for her? I can't do that. So I cut myself off. I try not to talk about it. I don't want to think about how I really feel. And I sure as hell don't want her to know. But I can't talk to anyone else either! No one else knows this. No one else knows us. How we feel for each other is that once in a lifetime love that many people go their whole lives without experiencing. And I know that's the case with my family. People are all to ready to liken things to their experiences, and I know this is all new for my family. If I go to them, then I just seem weak or pathetic, or they think what we have is unhealthy, or it'll be trivialised. And I can't face that.
So I carry on, hoping that at some point I'll find a way. A method. A strategy of dealing with it without feeling like complete and utter shit. Without feeling weak and alone.
On a defencive scale I get angry. A bit like I do when I have a cold, or when things change and I don't like it. I haven't asked for any of this to happen, and I get angry because I have to deal with something, on my own, that I really can't find a way around, and that I really don't want to happen or deal with. So I get offish. I can't find a way around.
I don't know what to do for the best. I'm not strong. I can't be strong. I just feel lost.
I don't know what to do for the best. I'm not strong. I can't be strong. I just feel lost.Only the current avoidance tactic is starting to become less and less effective, and I'm starting to feel more and more out of control. It's in my head. I can't get it out. And saying 'just forget about it for now' isn't working. The more I try that, the harder and harder it gets the next time it pops into my head.
We have a holiday booked in a few weeks time. And I know it probably sounds stupid, but I really can't get hyped up about it. We talked about it before we booked it, and we said it's be a good way of spending time together before she goes, and we'll have a lovely time etc. But it just seems to slip my mind. I just feel like I want to stop time so I can catch up. Or slip into a world of unconsciousness until she gets back in August. I really want to have an amazing holiday in Tunisia. Just like we had in Cyprus last year. But the closer we get to July, the harder time I'm having dealing with things. I'm just so scared of ruining this holiday cos I can't get my head around dealing with Africa. She'll hate me if I fuck it all up and ruin it. And I can't face that. I'm having trouble switching it off now, so how am I going to manage it two weeks before she's going?
I don't know. Maybe I'm exaggerating everything because I'm not feeling well right now. I don't know!
I just wish I was stronger.
posted by doctorlucy @ 5:20 pm
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