Resolutions And All That Crap!

Well, you might have known it would be too good to be true for me to post in here regularly! The crap thing is, for a while, I have had the time to do it, but one way or another I've been trying to run away from all that's been going on in my head, so I'vre avoided my blog since the plague since my last post!
To say this has been just about the worst and hardest month of my life, would be a complete understatement, and doing anything which has made me think about anything that's been going on has been a complete and utter no no. Don't get me wrong, I know I can't run away and that it's a hypothetical idealistic thing, but it's the only way I've been able to cope.
I knew being away from FT for a month would be impossible. But that said, I can't quite believe just how hard it was. It was worse than I could ever imagine. And the worst bit now I'm out the other side? I kinda got a bit rail-roaded into agreeing to go on holiday with my family at the end of August, and spent ages hoping for some 'work committment' to provide the perfect excuse to cry it off. That hasn't happened, and I just can't bear to think about the thought of going away and leaving FT, albeit for only a week, but I just want to cry. I'm fed up with the whole 'it'll be alright' comments and 'it's only a week'. I know that's logically true, but that said, right now, I'm in no mental state of mind to deal with it. I just don't know what to do! Sometimes I just wish the ground would swallow me whole!

So I'm finally sleeping again after a month of shitty sleeps and constantly waking up. The bags under my eyes were phenomenal! And in the early days, it was all my friend Doofus could do to get me to go to bed at all! Later as the month progressed, exhaustion set in and I felt tired enough to go to bed, but still was unable to sleep properly!
I won't bore anyone with going through the whole month day by day, which was how I took it, cos that would make for suicidal reading, but I'll add in a few things which stick out as particularly happy or hard moments from the past month. Hopefully you won't fall asleep!
So as for the day by day comment I just made, I fast got into the habbit of crossing off each day on our calendar here in the flat. Crossing it off the next morning that is, after I survived the night on my own. Only about two weeks into the month, I went down to London to visit my parents when my work up here dried up, so I could earn some money and be fed (as everyone was worried about how someone could live on chicken burgers alone for a month). One problem with that being, that I left our calendar here, and so couldn't cross the days off. And I found that harder than I thought I would! That said, being at the parents house was good. Mu mum was an absolute blessing. Always suggesting things to keep me busy, and making sure I was properly fed etc. I think she could see how hard I was finding it. It was nice to feel like I had some support to be honest.
Prior to defecting to London, I was working for a week here in Sheffield, and in the evenings for the first few days I had Doofus around to keep kme sane, and give me a hug if I looked like I was about to burst into tears. To be honest, she was an absolute god send! The Sunday I left FT at Manchester airport was the day that Doofus arrived. It was pissing it down with rain. One hell of a storm, and I was just wandering around aimlessly in the rain, getting soaked and balling my eyes out. I was an absolute mess. So I headed down to the station to meet her, a complete drownded state. Soaked through, with big red eyes, and I only needed someone to look at me and I just burst into tears! So she got off the train and ran up to me on the platform and gave me a big hug and asked if I was alright. To which I responded by shrugging my shoulders with a lump in my throat, and then hundreds of tears streaming down my face. It all started from there. I think from that point on there wasn't a single day that I didn't shed a tear. If it wasn't something throughout the day sparking me off, it was crying myself to sleep at night.
We made our way back to the car at the station (and I'd parked where I wasn't supposed to, but I was in a couldn't give a shit mood), when my mobile rang. I answered it, and it was FT, telling me she'd got to Frankfurt via her first flight safe and sound. We were on the phone for a good few minutes, and I was smiling again. Then when she had to go I erupted into floods of tears again in the car. I knew then that this was the start of the hardest part. Having to wait until FT was able to call, and not being able to speak to her whenever I needed to hear her voice, and at that point in time, it was all too much to handle!
At getting on for 2 in the morning, Doofus suggested we go to bed. That we did, and after listening to FT singing on my iPod for about an hour on repeat, I think I eventually drifted off.
The next few days were hard, as I just felt this pain and dull ache inside all the time, and anything that made me think of FT made me miss her, and that made me remember that I couldn't just call her to talk to her, and that made me weepy.
One of the hardest parts I found with it all, was that eventhough we did get to talk at least once a day, Zambia was an hour ahead and FT had to be up early, so inevitably she was ringing me here fairly early in the evening, and that made it impossible for me to sleep. I know I'm mad, but I like to talk to her before I go to sleep as it helps me to drift off. But the whole dynamics of it was fucked up and didn't make life easy! You wouldn't believe how much you miss someone that time of the night! It's like the evil little gremlins come out and remind you that they're not there!
It was no better trying to sleep in my old bed at my parents house. It was still impossible! And that fucker squeaks too much! I found myself up dead early every morning as well! And I'm by no means a morning person!

So how'd I manage to get through the day? Well, by waiting for the phone to ring! If I was lucky, I'd get a phone call in the morning before I woke up, or a text message or a phone call at lunch time, or a text message. And that made my day! It feels a bit silly to say that something as simple as a couple of minutes on the phone or the odd text message could make me ecstatically happy. But it did... and it really made my day! Then I'd count the hours until evening when I'd get to talk to her properly on the phone. And everything in between was just a blur.
I've never known anything like it. It just felt like going through the motions just to get through the day. Looking back now, I couldn't tell you what I did, or how it all went. It just seems such a blurr!
And as sods law would have it, just as I was getting into some form of managing to get through each day... shit strikes and I find myself struggling again!

We did have some fun before I went down to London though. Let's just say, that even with that distance, and with just a phone for communication, it doesn't stop the height of passion when you're in love! And so she was sharing a room? So what... her room mate wasn't in the room 24/7!

The weekend I went down to London was the weekend FT went to Zimbabwe for a couple of days. I spent nearly 5 hours driving down to London, and FT phoned me when she got to Zim just as I was driving through London town and needed my wits about me. I was so glad to hear her voice as it was a crap drive down and I'd had a job interview that day, so was itching to tell her all about it. In reality I was on the phone for all of a couple of minutes. She was sharing a room and couldn't talk, and was going out and stuff. I felt like shit. I really needed just to chat and hear her voice, and it was obvious that's the one thing I wouldn't be able to do. So that two minute conversation was all we had for that day until midday the next day. I found that hard. I'm insecure at the best of times, and I was worried out of my mind, as Zim doesn't have the best reputation when it comes to British tourists. I got to my parents house in a right mood and all I wanted to do was burst into tears. Thankfully my Dad kept the wisecracks to himself and I think Mum sensed I was a bit upset. It made my day when FT phoned me on the Saturday afternoon as I really wasn't expecting it. I felt loved again, and I took great pleasure in telling her all about the blanket I bought to go in my car boot for the imminent arrival of her guide dog. I know it sounds stupid, but just the sound of her voice keeps me sane, and hearing her say 'I love you' means more to me than I could ever explain! She told me she'd give me a call later that night to talk properly, so off I went to the Kent coast with my family with a smile on my face waiting for the night to come. Only night came and went, and I didn't hear a thing. She'd text me from someone elses phone earlier to say her battery was dead and that the phone was being charged, so not to hear a thing that night made me worried sick. I woke up every hour without fail all night and checked the phone to see if I missed her call. I had my phone glued to me. The the following morning she borrowed the phone of the place where she was staying to ring me and left a message on my phone to say she was ok and safe and that she would ring me when she got back to Zambia. That put my mind at rest, but I was still all up in the air until I spoke to her that night.

I'd spent the working week at the office where my mum works, answering the phones and generating schedules for the work that comes in from scratch, as well as doing a mail merge of around 500 letters as they've just moved premises. And I wasn't leaving there until like 6 in the evening. From time to time I managed to get to talk to FT during her lunch break if there was not much going on or there were no bosses in the office. It helped no end to know she was thinking about me during the day.

It was good to know that FT was enjoying herself when she was away. I was worried sick at one point, as she and Kate ended up getting mugged at one point fairly early on in the month. I wanted to kick the shit out of the bastard that did it. And I was in pieces at being so far away and completely helpless at what to do. There was nothing I could do to make things better for the woman I loved, and I found that hard. I wanted her home there and then, forget about the money spent, I was worried about her and I wanted to make things alright and to hold her. I hated that I couldn't do that. And as much as I wanted her on the next plane home, I knew it was important for her to stick it out and hang in there, so I was relieved that she was putting it behind her and having a blast.
That said, I didn't find it particularly easy the one occassion she phoned me after she'd been out on the piss all night. She was clearly absolutely hammered, although (as usual) persisted that she wasn't drunk. I should have known better. We ended up falling out on the phone. I'd had a shit of a day, and focused everything around getting to speak to her of a night. And then we were on the phone for a while, and I started getting really upset. She was chatting and talking to everyone around her about some bug or other, and it was Kate's done this and so and so's done that, and all I wanted was to hear her voice and to tell her about my day. I know perhaps I was selfish and all that, but it just hurt that she seemed a bit disinterested in me and more interested in everyone else. Yet I knew it was the drink and that she really loved me, and wouldn't have done it on purpose, but from that far away and three weeks without cuddles, it wasn't easy.
We made up before we both went to bed and more than made up for it on the phone the next night!
I know it sounds stupid, but I just felt like a complete inconvenience. Like she'd have a far better time if I wasn't here like a ball and chain. And that's the last thing I wanted.

We had an amazing conversation one night. I spent the whole night smiling from ear to ear. We spent like a good half an hour chatting about getting engaged, and the 'perfect time for it' and stuff. We both agreed it should be a special occasion in its own right, but also that some times, a proposal would top an occasion off etc.
So yes, any of you who have read FT's blog know that this was the point where I thought it'd be perfect to bend down on one knee at Manchester airport and ask her to be mine! From that moment on I had plans in the making. I had the ring on order, ready to pick up in the right size on the monday before she was due home, and was planning just how I'd do it and what I'd say.

Only let's just say things didn't quite go to plan! I had dropped my car into the garage to be re-sprayed before work one morning, knowing it would take 3 days to complete, when whilst at work I get a text from FT telling me she she was leaving to come home early. I totally fucked up at this point. Instead of getting excited about seeing her 3 days early, which I really was, I completely freaked out at the fact that there was no way I could get the car back in time to get to the airport early. I wanted to cry! It just felt like the only thing that got me through the month was focusing on the airport and picking FT up. Holding her there in my arms. And then after my idea of the perfect proposal, all I wanted to do was bend down on one knee and ask her to marry me. So instead off bubbling and being excited like I was inside, I was upset about missing the opportunity. I handled the whole thing appalingly! She thought I didn't want her home early, which wasn't that at all... I just wanted to bring her home to our house, like I was the one that took her away from it. Call me stupid. I know I am. I'm a fucking idiot, I still can;t explain. It just meant so much to me, and I couldn't explain to FT or she'd get wind about the planned proposal. So I cancelled the ring order, concluding that this wasn't the perfect time that I'd thought, and that I'd be better off saving a bit longer for a better version of the same ring!
Eventually though, she sussed that I had a proposal planned! I don't think she believed it at first. It took a while to sink in. And after a while, we sorted out that it wasn't that I didn't want her home early why I was acting gutted. We talked and sorted out that she'd go and stay with her family overnight and we'd meet at home in Sheffield on Sunday for the grand reunion.

Now maybe I am a complete arse. I have in my head an idea of how things will be, and if things deviate, I get upset. I'm not one for change. But alas, with the change of plan in terms of my baby coming home early, I was in the car on the road on a 4 hour trip to Sheffield... foot down in haste to see my baby. My new focus was seeing her, holding her in my arms, kissing her, and then sitting on our sofa with her, holding hands and in each others arms, just enjoying being together.
So call me unreasonable, but I went a bit apeshit when I found out FT's mum had brought her on-off boyfriend along for the ride! It was the first time FT had met him, and I'd never seen him from adam. The flat was a complete mess, and I just wanted to focus on having FT home again. To be honest, the whole thing made me upset, cos I felt like I'd lost the emotional reunion at the airport, and having some random stranger there, whether you think so or not, does restrict how you act. It's different around parents cos they're used to it and know what we're like etc. I just felt upset, and I felt like irrespective of FT's mum wanting someone to drive home with, I felt like no one had thought how I'd feel about it all. I'm extremely shy and quiet around new people anyway, and I'd had the hardest month of my life, and I really didn't feel like spending a second with anyone new. And I didn't think for a second it'd happen, as FT's mum frequently drives to Sheffield and back in the same day for visits. So I'm irrational and blow things out of proportion. What does it matter? Well, to me it mattered. I'd focused all my energies on how it'd be us getting back together, in our home, after not seeing each other for a whole month. And I just felt on guard. Like I couldn't really truely by myself, or do and say what I wanted to. I felt like we couldn't really be 'us' like we usually are. And that hurt. That was the one thing I needed. I got upset because it felt like the most important moment of this past month, the climax, the end point, the one thing that has got me through, had to be adapted and changed. I didn't feel comfortable, and I hated that. I wanted to cry. I wanted to be slushy. I wanted to have a moment. I needed FT to know just how glad I was to have her home. In our home. In my life. And I couldn't do it how I wanted to. Just like I couldn't be at the airport. I felt like I'd lost and compromised the moment I'd dreamed about for a whole month. That upset me. All I wanted to do was welcome my lady home in the only way I knew best! I must sound like a right selfish twat. Hell, I probably am! And probably not a nice person to boot. I get too focused on the little things, and not the bigger picture!

Maybe I'm am idiot. Maybe I'm a twat. But I am the incredibly soppy romantic type, of grand gestures, and in my defence, sometimes, it's the finer detail and the little things which come from the romantic in me that make all the difference... I just need to not get so carried away!
But god I missed her!

If this past month has taught me anything, it's taught me just what an amazing woman I am blessed to be with. And that I'm more sure now than ever before that she is my soulmate... my soul's counterpoint in another. She is the only person in the world who can put a smile on my face from thousands of miles away. She can cheer me up and make me feel loved with a simple text. Just hearing her voice makes my heart pound and flutter and makes me feel warm inside. There is no one in the world I'd die to protect like FT. And there is no part of my life that means anything if I don't have her to share it with!

I'm so proud of my baby, and that said, this past month has made us stronger than ever! And I love you FT with all my heart! Please never forget that!