A Week of Ups and Downs!

Well, let's face it, this life wouldn't be mine if I couldn't find some way or another to fuck it all up!
A few things have happened this week, some good and some not so good, so for better or worse, I'll just shoot and recount them as they pop into my head!

OK, come on, the week started of fairly shit, with me getting virtually no sleep Sunday night. My mum has this routine of going out of her way to pick my Aunt Christine up from work on a Sunday and driving her home to my Nan's (who she fell out with) house. Just so happens this week, she decides to ask Christine if she'll come down our house once a day while we're on holiday and clean the litter tray and feed the cats. That's where it went tits up as they say. Christine made 'excuses' as to why she couldn't, sounding very sheepish, without even asking when the holiday was. It was a case of 'my legs are bad', which implies she has trouble getting about etc. Bollocks! She's here there and everywhere... bingo on a Tuesday, she even went to Birmingham the other weekend.
The truth? Well, because my Nan didn't like the holiday my mum paid for an provided for her last year and cos everything didn't go her own way and cos my mum considered more people than just her, she ended up falling out with my mum. And this time, she's told Christine she's not to look after our cats when we go on holiday. I know it sounds extreme and impossible that a 54 year old woman still panders to her mother's every whim and does what she says like she's 5 years old... and unless I'd seen it with my own eyes, I probably wouldn't have believed it myself. The reason is that Christine doesn't have a job and gets like £30 odd pound a week in benefits and works one day a week on a Sunday at a shitty cab office, so anything she wants or needs extra, my Nan foots the bill for. And this entitles my Nan to have Christine do exactly what she wants, or she throws a strop and doesn't give her any money. When that happens, every month or so on average, Christine turns up on my mum's doorstep and asks to borrow some money or a pack or cigarettes etc, which she never ends up repaying. For that reason, my Mum goes out of her way to help Christine, she gave her £40 when she went to Birmingham to enjoy herself with. And every week without fail she puts at least £10 credit on her mobile phone.
So to say mum was upset she refused to look after the cats is an understatement. It wasn't the inconvenience of having to find someone else, it was the fact that her sister couldn't stand up to her mum, she'd rather jeopardise that than piss off the mother.
The upshot is, that if we couldn't get a cattery or find someone to look after the cats, then it would mean we couldn't go on holiday, and it wouldn't take a genius to work that out! Yet it didn't stop my Nan from insisting, or Christine from going along with it.
Mum's pissed off and insists this is the last time she asks her side of the family for any form of help, and she's going to stop giving Christine things and spending money on her, or picking her up from work, because it's all take take take. And it's just made the void between her and my Nan worse.
In actual fact, it's made the void between me and the rest of the family worse. It's my Nan's birthday on Sunday, and I'm that upset and pissed off at how she's being with my Mum and these latest antics, I'm just not interested. She's one of these people who can't leave it at just not talking to someone in the family, she has to go out of her way to fuck things up for them as much as she can. I'm torn completely in two ways. I've spent 22 years of my life being brought up on how important families are and how you sacrifice this and that for them and you go out of your way to help them, and now I'm in a situation when the supposed head of the family is going out of her way to alienate my part of the family in every way possible. No, she has three grandkids and one step grandkid, and she's only interested in one of them, the one that will supposedly carry the family name forward. I just can't believe the state we're in, and I don't see it getting any better. And to be honest, I'm not sure I even want it to get any better! Too much damage has been done, and there will never be no real sorrow or remorse for the hurt caused even if the opportunity did arise.
Right now, I'm ashamed that any of them are related to me, and I'm disgusted at them all, and how either none of them have a conscience, or they're too busy thinking about themselves and how they might be cut off from the senile old bat's money in some way to consider anyone else.
I'm glad I'm in Sheffield, and I'm glad I'm away from it!
I'm just not sure what the word 'family' means anymore!

A definite 'up' of my week though has to be FT and beby Spoons. They started guide dog training on Monday and went out on walks on Tuesday and Wednesday. I was lucky enough to get invited along to follow by their trainer Kev, so I feel honoured and privelidged and dead proud (like there's my girls) walking along behind them and seeing the process first hand. The exercise isn't a bad thing either! Although they didn't get out on a walk yesterday as Spoons is grounded because she would rather poo while out walking than in her special spending pen for pooing in! So it's a bit of a hiccup, but they have been out once this morning after Spoons did a little poo in the pen! They're coming back in a bit, and I know she needs another one, but I bet she'll hold it for when they're out! Little devil!

Ooh... and a HUGE 'up' was when FT's Dad took me for a ride on his motorbike! It was the first time I'd been, and it was ace!!!! I want me one of those babies!!!

We had our 22 month anniversary on Tuesday. We like to try and commemorate each month in some way or other, and this one was special because the last one was spent away from each other when FT was in Africa. So we decided to push the boat out a bit with this one. We went to a lovely American/Italian near the cinema for dinner, and then went to see a film. All of this was of course, Spoons first outing with us, and she was incredibly well behaved, like the perfect little doggie. It was a lovely evening, full of smiles and giggles and lots of laughing at the dog! And... it's only two more months until we've been seeing each other for 2 whole years!

As much as having Spoons has been a massive 'up' for me this week, it's been a bit of a 'down' too.
I'm seriously struggling with having a dog around the house. I can't believe how much work is invloved, and cos she's here forever, you can't say 'fuck it' and leave it till she goes home. It seems like there's always something to do, be it washing up her bowl, or hoovering up her hair and dusting, or hoovering the hall outside, or changing the bed or washing. I'm struggling now, and at the moment, I'm not even working! So I'm feeling tired like all of the time, and it just doesn't leave time for much else!
I'm also copping a bit of stick for being in a bit of a mood. Well I'm stressed! I'm tired. My wrist hurts (although I'm going to the doctors today). There's always some mundane chore to do on a daily basis. And I'm finding that I'm sturggling for money to the point of dipping into cash that I'd put up towards certain things, and I don't know how I'm going to replace it! I just feel like I'm struggling, and that doesn't put me in a particularly good mood. Not that it gives me the right to be grumpy, just an explanation of why I am.
Sometimes right now, it feels like the dynamics of FT and my relationship have changed a bit, and it takes some adjusting to. It just feels like we've gone from this mega affectionate, passionate couple into something a bit more subdued, and I know that having a dog is like having a baby and that has an impact on relationships, but sometimes I feel like I could be just anyone. I don't feel special anymore. Not all the time, not like before. I know FT thinks I'm just jealous of the dog and things, and I suppose I am a bit, cos she gets so much attention. But then in fairness, she gets loads of attention from me too! It's just the little things as much as the bigger picture which make me feel a bit down. Like, I know it sounds stupid, but when we'd pass each other in the room, we'd reach out and touch each other, or kiss each other. Or if one of us was in the kitchen and the other came in, we'd put our arms round each other. And we don't seem to do that so much anymore. Not like we used to, not since Spoons came along.
I make it sound like we're not afectionate anymore, which is blatantly not what I'm saying, it just feels like some of the little affectionate quarks throughout the day, that just let the other person know you're thinking about them aren't as frequent as they used to be.
I'm hoping it's just having the poochie around and her being new and things, and the fact that we're both knackered, but I'd be lying if I said that some sub-conscious part of me wasn't worried that FT has had enough, or doesn't see me how she used to.

I've got my Mum, cousin Chesney and my other Nan, Nan J coming up tonight for the weekend. It's the first time Nan J has been to Sheffield, and she's well excited bless her... and Mum's excited about seeing Spoons. That should be nice, but I'm not sure if I'm in an entertaining kinda mood... that and the fact that Nan J doesn't know about FT and I, not wanting to give her a heart attack at 86, and I really don't think I can deal with the whole 'just friends' pretence right now!

I don't know, I think this whole thing with my mum and Nan has hit me hard, especially this week.
All FT and my friends keep saying is that 'we're a proper family now' me FT and Spoons. Yet somewhere deep inside, I'm trying to redefine and understand exactly what the word 'family' really means!