Dreams

I'm not feeling myself today. Dunno what's wrong with me really. There never is really any sense to the way I feel from time to time, probably like now. I feel all over the place at the minute, and there's loads of reasons I can attribute to that. Family life at home is completely shit at the moment. My Mum hasn't spoken to my Nan (her Mum) since November, and it makes for a difficult life as most of my aunts and uncles either reside at my Nan's or are up there all the time. In fairness, and I'm not going into detail about the fall out, but my Mum is 100% in the right, and my Nan is in the wrong. But then, if I'm honest, I don't know where that makes me stand. I'm torn between wanting my family to be like it was when I was a kid, and standing up for what I believe is right and wrong. I just want everything to be OK, and there is nothing I can do to fix it. I dunno if it makes it better or worse me being up here in a different city to be honest. Yes, I don't have to deal with it day to day. But I can't help feeling out of the loop and the forgotten grandchild! You'd think wouldn't you, that as she's fallen out with my Mum, that she'd make the effort to make me feel as though nothing's changed. Let's face it... this has nothing to do with me! I could understand it if it was! But nope... I rang my Nan on new year's day, and she hasn't bothered to call me ever since! I'm supposed to make the effort all the time?You see, my uncle (if you can call him that, cos he's the biggest prick a going, and he may be related to me, but he's no uncle of mine, for the way he treated my step-cousin (Chesney) who now lives with my parents), he's had another son, a toddler now. And it seems to the world, that no other family member matters! You see, my Nan has 4 grandkids, including Chesney (who has always been brought up as her own). Yet the baby is the only one that matters so it seems. I know I should think better of the situation at my age, but I've been brought up in a really close family environment from the age dot and it's all shattered around me. Now, my immediate family is my GF, my mum, dad and Chesney. And then my Dad's Mum. Beyond that, everyone else just seems like a complete extended family who you hardly ever hear from. And my family has never been like that!
I suppose it's really getting to me at the minute. It's a shit time of year with it all too. What with Christmas just gone, and it's my aunt's birthday today (she lives with my Nan), and then my Mum's birthday next weekend. I hate all this shit. I have to go home next weekend, and it's really hard going home with all this going on. Nothing feels normal there anymore. And the worst thing of all about it is that my Mum's wants me to go alone cos she wants to spend some quality time with me. Which is fair enough, as you can hardly call my dad and adult or sensible conversation, and with Chesney (who is 11, she doesn't get any quality time). So none of us can begrudge her a day and night's quality time with her only daughter. But I find it really hard, cos I know despite what she says, this shit with my Nan does get to her, and it's hard cos we don't go up there and do stuff like we used to. It messes with my head, and really upsets me, but I don't say anything, cos everyone has their own issues to deal with. The one person in the world who makes things a million times better and I can talk to about anything, and who I feel completely and utterly loved by is gonna be home here and I have to cope on my own without her. I know it's not her responsibility to be there for me all the time, and I'm selfish, but at the minute in particular, I can't bare the thought of being without her.I've been having shit dreams as well, which proves it's all playing on my mind!
The other night I couldn't get to sleep, and all I could think about was sleeping without my lady next weekend. Then, just last night, I had some random non-sense dream about my Nan. I dreamt she and my Mum had made up after their feud and things were all hunky dory again. I can't really remember what happened next, but then I ended up starting some mammoth feud with my Nan, and so I still wasn't talking to her, and things were back to the way they are now, all cos I didn't agree with my Mum letting the feud go. I hate being torn between a matter of feeling and a matter of morals and principle. It just feels like I'm pulling in two. I don't know what happened in the dream... fortunately, I was woken up by something, to find my lady in the bed next to me, and I felt like I had my life back again, and all I've ever wanted was right there next to me, and nothing else matters.I'm just feeling completely threatened at the minute.
I don't know what's wrong with me. I feel like whatever part I played in my family before is completely different to now. I know I'm my mother's daughter, but as far as the bigger aspect of the family goes (my mum's side at least), I can't help feeling the forgotten and un-needed element. And to be honest, I don't think I'm being hyper-sensitive about it all, cos I don't with my dad's side of the family. Thank god for them is all I say, or I really would be going insane. I can't understand or justify why it happens. Or is happening. And I think it's rubbing off on everything including my life up here. I just feel as though I'm not good enough to be part of them. The sun shines out the arse of my fucking arsehole of an uncle's arse, and that's all that matters. Doesn't matter that he's a complete tosser, and is only around when he wants something. So yeah. I'm angry that me and my mum, who would, and have, bent over backwards for years, fall less of favour for that wanker who has bailiffs turn up on her door and screw her for every penny she's got... but that's OK, cos he's the prodigal son, and his son will carry on the family name and honour! So yeah. I'm angry and pissed off at the way we're being treated, and upset. Frankly, it's not how I was brought up to view families, and nor is it something I ever want to put my kids through. And I'm angry and upset that my Nan is so fucking stupid and pig minded to see what a shit situation this is! And it fucks with my head, cos I'm at my wits end with it all, and if one more thing goes tits up, or makes me feel like I'm of no use to the people I love, then I really do think I'll crack up.
I just can't cope. I just want to feel loved!I'm an adult, I should be able to deal with this, but I'm too much of a fucking idealist, and it gets to me!Fucking life! They don't tell you when you're born that it's going to be so bloody difficult from time to time!
I just need a hug and to be held! I think my lady's getting pissed off with my need for cuddles! But it's not my fault she makes everything so much better!