Haunted By Songs...

It seems that every song I hear at the moment is haunting me or reminding me of everything one way or another. And I can't cope!
I just wanted to go through a few examples of a few lyrics of just a number of songs right now that I seem to be hearing all over the place, that leave my stomach in knots and make me feel just so crap.
God I miss her...

Everytime We Touch - Cascada
'I still hear your voice, When you sleep next to me.
I still feel your touch, in my dreams.
Forgive me my weakness, But I don’t know why,
Without you it's hard to survive'

Patience - Take That
'I'm still hurting from a love I lost,
I'm feeling your frustration,
But any minute all the pain will stop,
Just hold me close inside your arms tonight,
don’t be too hard on my emotions
Cause I, need time, My heart is numb, has no feeling,
So while I'm still healing,
Just try and have a little patience,
I really wanna start over again,
I know you wanna be my salvation,
The one that I can always depend,
I'll try to be strong, believe me,
I'm trying to move on,
It's complicated but understand me,
Cause I, need time,
My heart is numb has no feeling,
So while I'm still healing,
Just try and have a little patience

The Pieces Don't Fit Anymore - James Morrison
I've been twisting and turning,
In a space that's too small.
I've been drawing the line and watching it fall,
You've been closing me in, closing the space in my heart.
Watching us fading and watching it all fall apart.
(Chorus) Well I can't explain why it's not enough,
Cause I gave it all to you.
And if you leave me now, oh just leave me now.
Its the better thing to do,
Its time to surrender,
Its been to long pretending.
Theres no use in trying,
When the pieces dont fit anymore,
Pieces dont fit here anymore.
You pulled me under, I had to give in.
Such a beautiful myth,
Thats breaking my skin.
Well I'll hide all the bruises,
I'll hide all the damage thats done.
But I show how Im feeling until all the feeling has gone.
(Chorus) Ooh don't missunderstand, How I feel.
Cause I've tried, yes I've tried.
But still I don't know why, no I dont know why.

Emotions - Destiny's Child
It's over and done
But the heartache lives on inside
And who's the one you're clinging to
Instead of me tonight?
And where are you now, now that I need you?
Tears on my pillow wherever you go
I'll cry me a river that leads to your ocean
You'll never see me fall apart
In the words of a broken heart
It's just emotion taking me over
Caught up in sorrow
Lost in the song But if you don't come back Come home to me, darling
Don't you know there's nobody left in this world to hold me tight?
Don't you know there's nobody left in this world to kiss goodnight
Goodnight, goodnight
I'm there at your side,
I'm part of all the things you are
But you've got a part of someone else
You've got to find your shining star
And where are you now, now that I need you?
Tears on my pillow wherever you go
I'll cry me a river that leads to your ocean
You'll never see me fall apart
In the words of a broken heart
It's just emotion taking me over
Caught up in sorrow
Lost in the song But if you don't come back Come home to me, darling
Don't you know there's nobody left in this world to hold me tight?
Don't you know there's nobody left in this world to kiss goodnight
Goodnight, goodnight
And where are you now, now that I need you?
Tears on my pillow wherever you go
I'll cry me a river that leads to your ocean
You'll never see me fall apartIn the words of a broken heart
It's just emotion taking me over
Caught up in sorrow
Lost in the song But if you don't come back Come home to me, darling
Don't you know there's nobody left in this world to hold me tight?
Don't you know there's nobody left in this world to kiss goodnight
Goodnight, goodnight


Those are just a few snippets of all that are going through my head right now. I don't think I've ever looked into song lyrics so deeply as I am right now.
I miss her.
I love her.
I always will.

The Ring

I had a phonecall today. Not what I needed right now. You'll all remember a while ago I was going to propose to FT when she came back from Africa, and I'd had a ring ordered for collection the day before she was due back, but things didn't go to plan and I ended up cancelling it telling them I was going to wait a bit longer until I could afford the one I really wanted. I'd had it all planned I hate the date in mind and was saving up good and proper, to do it all good and properly and then all this happened. Anyway, the date I had planned in mind was new years eve. And I'd worked out a way to get the cash I needed, and so had told the jewellers I'd be back in touch towards the end of November to order the better one, the one I really wanted, in the right ring size. Only obviously, I hadn't been back in touch and so they phoned to see if I was still wanting the ring, as it would need to be ordered asap to get in in time for the end of December.
I didn't know what to say really! I think the guy on the phone guessed something was up, as he was a little taken aback, and didn't really know what to say. I just basically said that I'd be waiting a while before I needed it and so didn't need it ordered as yet. Better that than saying 'Unfortunately, the woman I want to marry doesn't feel the same anymore, so I'd love to spend £1,500 on the totally gorgeous ring, but I don't think I'd quite get the answer I want'. Gutted.
That's how I feel right now! Just a complete reminder of everything I had planned. And it couldn't have hit me at a worse time. Not the guy's fault I know, but I did want to give him a bollocking for ringing.

It sparked me off thinking about everything again. I'm proper gutted really. I mean, the night we split up, I ended up taking my eternity ring off and giving it back to her, and then seconds later, panicked because that wasn't what I wanted at all, I just didn't know what to do. She gave it me back, and I put it back on. But she took hers off and put it in her jewellery box, and it's been there ever since. A day later, it hurt so much wearing it, and not having her wear hers, that I took it off and replaced it with a crappy signet ring.
I felt lost without it. When we gave them to each other, they meant so much, and just because things aren't how we planned right now, doesn't mean that they mean any less than they did then. I remember so fondly how I gave her hers. I searched the whole of Sheffield to get it, and had to take her back to get the next size, and she loved it, and put it straight on, and never took it off. It was perfect. And I remember when she gave me mine, in bed one morning, cosyied up on the fold out sofa bed we shared in our old house. And how she put it on my finger, and told me how much I meant to her.
Just because things aren't how either of us wanted them to be, or how they were then, doesn't make those rings mean any less. If anything, it makes them mean more, and be more important. Everything they symbolise is love. Right now, both of us feel more alone than we have for a while. For me certainly for any point in my life. I put the ring back on the other day.
I couldn't live without it on. I know things are the way they are, and there are reasons, and that won't change. But I need it on my finger. I need to know that everything we had meant something. That it still does mean something, and it'll always will mean something, irrespective of how things are right now. I can't explain it. She's been such a big part of my life, and she always will be. And whether we're together or not, I still love her, and always will. I still care about her more than anything, and I still worry more than anything, and I don't want her to think that because of all of this, and two broken hearts, that I don't care. I feel like having the ring on reminds me that she still cares. You can't love like that and not care. I suppose I wish she was still wearing hers. Just so she knows I still care. So that if anything ever happens and she feels down or is in a bad place, that she'll know that I'm here, always here, and I loved, and cared, and still do.

Half The World Away...

I thought that seemed as good a title as any. In some ways it describes how I'm feeling, and in others it makes me smile cos it's the theme tune to The Royle Family. Yeah, let's go with that.

I wish I had something of great importance to say really. Just about that I'm still here is all I can manage right now. Anyone that reads this probably reads FT's blog too, although loads that read hers don't read mine, but I'm safe in saying my initial statement is true. So that makes my life a little easier, as it means I don't need to go over explaining the 'home' situation as is at the moment. So you'll all know that FT has moved in with Sarah and Matt for a few weeks.
To be honest, as much as we were managing to get on living together at the moment, it was completely difficult. We've never lived together being anything other than together or wanting each other, so the situation would be difficilt anyway, but it was more than just a little difficult. We thought it best, as difficult as it is right now, that if we are to salvage any form of relationship, even if just a friendship, that we take this step to get our heads together, and look to all the positives this space can create, and who knows where we'll end up?
I cried myself to sleep Sunday night. I couldn't believe she had gone, and all I could think about were how things have changed and would never be the same anymore. I did not sleep well at all.
But I must have come to some conclusion in my fitful sleep, as for some unknown reason, I woke up feeling quite positive about it all. Maybe just the reduction in immediate tension had me feeling like there was progress already? I don't know.

Anyway, so I had these pitta breads that I'd bought before she moved out, and I wouldn't eat by myself, so I asked if she wanted to come round for dinner on Thursday, and she said 'yes'. I took this as a really positive step, not in the sense it means anything big, but just that we could do with a no pressure just enjoying each other's company evening. So I was feeling really positive about all that.
Anyway, I'm on MSN chatting to Doofus, telling her all of this, and then she just goes on about all the negatives, like FT is leading me on, and that there could never be no chance ever of us getting back together anywhere down the line, and I'm reading too much into it blah blah.
The long and the short of it is I got upset. I was feeling more positive, for whatever reason, but it had been the first day that I hadn't spent hours crying into my pillow. And I could just feel all the positivity ebbing out of me, being replaced by the negative 'what ifs' and trying to prempt how FT really was feeling etc. So I blocked her on msn, and refused to answer her calls or talk to her, save having an argument. I wouldn't have minded her honesty if it wasn't for the fact that she'd seen how low I was with it all the week before, and I just felt like she took me right back there.
The next thing I know she rings my mum and tells her about all of this, so my mum then rings me all concerned, wanting me to open up about how I am feeling, and not to act like this or like that and not to get hurt again. I had the usual, 'you deserve better' speech and 'don't fall into this trap and that trap' etc. Which is not what I want or need to hear, as no one can seem to understand, as much as I try to tell them, that I can't help the way that I feel, and that even if I do get hurt a million times over, then there is no other way for me, and there is nothing anyone can say or do. They're just making me feel a million times worse about it all.
And the only person I feel like I can talk to about it all, is FT, and I'm not sure she wants to hear it, or whether I'm doing the right thing talking to her about it.

I don't know. Just I don't feel positive today at all. I don't know what to say or do. And to be honest, I feel a bit screwed over by people who claim to be friends, but don't seem to act in the same manner. I could go on forever on this rant, but I'm not going to. I don't even know how much of it is me being over-sensitive and how much is fact anymore. I'm just having a crap day. Think I'm going to just disappear any maybe post later when I'm feeling better.

A Happy World, Turned Upside down

I'm sure many of you read FT's blog. So I don't need to relive the events that have happened of late.
It's impossible to try and post anything here. But I have to be seen to be doing something. How can I be honest and explain how I'm feeling and what is going on for me right now? All I can say is I hurt. I feel numb, and I hurt. More than I ever thought it possible.
I don't hate her. I don't blame her. I love her too much for all of that. I feel like I can't cope. I can't deal with all this. One minute I think I'm making progress, and it'll all be alright, and the next I remember something or think of something that can't be anymore, and I just break down.
I've gone from flipping out angry to hysterically balling my eyes out. Repeatedly over the past four days. You never know what you're going to get.
I can understand why things have to be the way they are. There have been issues that we both need to deal with. And they're the kind of things that if we stay together while we sort through them, that it'll just tear us apart and we'll end up hating each other. Neither of us want that.
Deep down though, neither of us want this. Both of us just want a switch that you can press to make everything calm down, like an 'issue comander' switch. That's impossible. There is no such thing.
All this is so hard right now. This is the last place in the world either of us wanted to be. And god knows if there was a way to fix it all, we'd do it in a shot.
We've been awkward and distant with each other, not wanting to get too close. We've not know what to say, or what to do, or where to be. Sharing a house is the most difficult right now. Everything here is ours. Not mine, not hers, but ours. Even stuff that we owned beforehand has become ours. How you can even think about dividing all that and splitting it is just beyond thought. I'm in no place to delve to deep into all that right now. It's just so raw.
I look into her eyes, and I still get all those feelings I got the first day I set eyes on her. My heart still pounds, I smile, both inside and out. I feel an overwhelming urge to make her laugh and to see that gorgeous smile of hers. As much as I hurt, and as much that has happened, I can't stop that. It makes me hurt more to feel every second of every day just how much we have lost. I look into her eyes, and I can see that she still cares. I can see that she still loves me. I can see that she doesn't want any of this just as much as I don't. I can see a million reasons why she says that she feels differently to how she once did. I can see where it went wrong, and the things I've done to make her feel like she can't go on. I know no one person can take all the blame, but I can see that one particular thing that I did, has caused a whole load of subsequent reactions in both of us, and from then on we stopped fighting on the same page. I hate that. One mistake has lead up to this point now. And we both hurt like we never thought possible.
Yes we've had issues and yes we've had problems, but it wasn't all bad. She's given me the best two years of my life, and I know I've done the same for her. We've sat and talked, at length since we broke up. It's better that feeling hurt and broken and like the other person doesn't care or falling out with each other. It kills me when we fall out. More now than ever. We've identified a lot of where things deteriorated, and I think that will probably haunt me for the rest of my life. We've both said that neither of us want this, and if there was any way to fix things immediately, then we would. But I can't fix the issues I have overnight, and to stay together while I try to do that, would destroy us. Deep down, I know it would, but it doesn't stop me hating this and it being the last thing in the world I want. I so want to be able to fix all this and go back to how things were, and hang in there etc. But we'd just end up resenting each other. I need to stand on my feet. Develop some self confidence and independence a bit more. Without that, I can't function as a person, and it's not fair to expect the one person I love most in the world to help me and pick me up.
One mistake, and it destroys all that is good in my life. It hurts that I can't get a chance to try and put things right right now. But I know that isn't possible. We need space and time to get our heads together. I need time to sort myself out.
Maybe then. Maybe in some months time, when all that has been done, that we'll get that second chance. I know that if fate wants us together that we'll end up together no matter what. And I just know that from the way that we met and all those feelings and the way that we felt, that it is fate that we went through all that then, and that we are meant to be together.
Whether in a few months, a few years, or in the next lifetime. I don't care what anyone thinks. We ARE soulmates, and we are meant to be together. And we will end up together some where, some how.
Just all of this right now is impossible. I've never felt so much love, so strong. Yet to go through being apart, hurts more than anything in the world ever. Anything I could ever imagine.
I just love her. I love her so much. I always will. I could never stop. She is part of me. She's my soulmate. I'm breaking inside. I love her!

Just a chance...

I don’t know what to say really. I’ve been avoiding posting on here. I suppose I hurt too much. I suppose everyone knows what’s been going on lately.
I feel like my life’s been turned into one big drama of late, and I don’t know the first thing about getting through it all. Probably if I was on the outside looking in, I’d be shouting at the TV screen and telling the various participants of the scene what to do. But it’s my life. And I’m lost, and I don’t know what to do!
I start seeing a counsellor tonight. That should be progress underway and a start to getting my life back on track. But I’m so full of fear about everything going on with FT. I just don’t know what to do with myself. I just can’t help thinking that if I’d done something about seeing someone sooner, then things wouldn’t be the way they are with us right now. That’s true. I know it is.
We’re the same people as we always were. The same people who fell so madly in love and had it all before them. Yet in other ways we’re different people to those who started out together way back then. In some ways everything is all still there, and in others, the barriers have come up and it seems the gulf between us is big.
But I know that deep down; we’re still those same people who fell in love. Who put smiles on each other’s faces. Who trusted and confided in each other like there was no one else in the world they’d rather share their deepest thoughts with. I know that’s still there.
I’m scared. She’s scared. We’re both scared. I know that. There’s nothing wrong with being scared. Scared is good. I realise that now. Comfort and complacency are like parasites to a relationship. I think that’s where we were. Too used to each other. Too bedded into a routine. And it’s led to both of us realising that actually, we’re not 65. We have years ahead of us, and we want more from life than to keep each other warm when it’s cold outside.
Now things are weird. We’re on a break, but neither of us seems to know properly what that means or how to handle it. We’ve never been just friends before. And I think that deep down, in part of us, neither of us wants to be just friends, but the way things are. The way things have been. It’s like, neither of us want to carry on with things the way they were, but we’re scared and don’t really know how to take things into a new direction. And then what if that doesn’t work? We might be in the same position a few more months down the line. We’re both hurting now, and neither of us wants to hurt again. So it’s scary to even think about trying again or what if it doesn’t work. I know she’s scared. I’m scared too.

The way things are, is no true reflection of how our relationship can or might progress in the future if we give it another go. We’re both so weird around each other. So close and warm towards each other one minute and offish and not knowing what to do the next. I know the space of being on a break is supposed to do us good, and in some ways it is. But in other ways it’s just driving us insane. The physical attraction is still there. That want and that need. That never goes away. And the mental and emotional attraction is although supposed to be on hold at the moment, that’s the one bit that fluctuates from on and intense to off and scary. I think it’s making emotions run high for the both of us. There’s supposed to be no pressure, but when your feelings fluctuate like they are doing, how can there be no pressure? When you’re constantly asking yourself ‘What’s going on? What does this feeling mean? I thought we were supposed to be easing off this for a bit?’ It’s not even so much as us putting pressure on each other, it’s like our feelings are putting pressure on us, and there’s no control over that, as hard as you try!

I make her smile. Even now I make her smile. Just like I did back then. I know I make her feel good inside. You can see it in her eyes. She talks to me, she opens up to me. Even though that’s not easy at the minute, and things have got weird and barriers have gone up and we don’t talk like we used to, we still open up to each other. She still blows me away, every second I look at her. She makes me smile, even now. Even though things are hard. She makes me feel safe, loved and protected, by a look, by a touch, by the things she says. And I do the same. I know I do. I still find her sexy and she turns me on, and makes me want to connect with her in that way, both physical and mental. And I do the same to her. She says so, and you can see it in the way she acts.
Just so much at the minute is focusing on the ‘what ifs’ and everything that has gone wrong, or not gone quite right, and the stresses and the pressures. I want to remember and relive how things were before they all got so complicated. I don’t mean go back. Going back would mean re treading over the same malfunctional path that’s brought us this far. I mean moving on, and using the past to shape the route from here.
She thinks we’ve go too far. But, how can it be too far when complications aside, things are still incredible? We’re soulmates, we’ve both said that. We know each other inside out, and trust and respect each other more than anyone else in the world ever could. And the physical attraction is stronger than ever.

But how can we see the good points and see how incredible things are when we’re so caught up emotionally on the ‘what ifs’ and fear and uncertainty? We lose sight of everything that is good between us whilst striving for space to sort out how we feel. But how can you sort out how you feel when you’re trying to stop yourself feeling to get clarity?
We just need a chance. We just need not to give up on each other, and just one more chance. I’m not saying ‘forever’ or serious commitment. That’s where we went wrong before. When the stresses and pressure are off, we’re good together. Just like we always were. I’m not saying you can forget all that’s happened. That’s impossible. But you can certainly learn from it and move forward.
When I say I want to try again, I don’t mean pick things up where we left off, or go all out for that commitment type thing. I just mean give each other a chance to make each other happy again. To make each other smile, that smile that no one else in the world brings out. That butterfly feeling and tingling you get when the other person is around. I know it’s not lost. I know it’s still there. I know parts of us still feel it, when the pressure is off. I’m not saying forever. Just a chance. Just a chance…