Mental Stability, Two Tired Lesbians and One Hell of a Slap!
Bottoms up to mental stability! It seems to be returning slowly but surely after a stressful and emotional few days.
Come Monday I was just about thinking the whole fucking world was against me, and mentally was prepared to throw in the towel. I hit my low then, and thankfully am ricocheting back up again, when it could have so badly gone the other way.
I felt as though when I get depressed and am feeling low, the world just expects me to snap out of it, or not dwell on it, when if anyone else is feeling down and depressed they get a fair deal of sympathy and listening. Let's just say that made me feel a lot worse! FT was away Monday night, on an overnight shift for her voluntary work, and in a self obsessed sense, I felt crap because I felt like I was getting the raw end of the deal. As if it wasn't bad enough that she was away at perhaps one of the worst possible times for me, but I felt as though she wanted me to just snap out of how I was feeling, whilst departing to listen to other depressed people all night long. So I was a little upset.
We had a chat before she went though, and we both managed to get things a lot clearer. I managed to get my head sorted quite a bit from then on. I seemed to go from feeling alone and under a bit of pressure to snap out of it, to feeling completely loved and listened to, even though she was away for the night.
I still had a crap night's sleep though. I always do without her. But I woke up feeling more positive yesterday morning. I'm a complex character me, and I know I do her head in!
So lets just say I was feeling well and truly knackered by the time last night came! FT herself was knackered after a 10pm til 8am night shift, with only a couple of hours sleep in the afternoon - two tired lesbians doesn't make for the smoothest of sailing!
I spent most of last evening cleaning, Spoons makes the flat dirty in 5 seconds flat, what with having hair everywhere and stuff, and I know FT feels a bit done in sometimes by how easily the flat can get grubby so soon after cleaning, so although it wasn't too dirty, I gave it a top to bottom anyway, and come last night before bed, it was spick and span!
Needless to say, with the two of us knackered last night, we didn't feel like cooking, so we departed for the chippy for our tea. And aside from being 'done' by the amount of chips you're given in a large portion there, the food was really nice, and it beat slaving over a hot stove!
So here's where we get back to the two tired lesbian bit...
We decided to take Spoons with us to the shop as she hadn't been out all day, and FT thought she was getting a bit of cabin fever. So this usually means me walking a couple of paces behind the two of them when the dog is guiding. To be honest, I find this more difficult sometimes than I let on that I do. Typically, then end up steaming down the road as Spoons walks fast, and I end up WAY behind, then they have to stop and wait for me. So it gets kinda lonely. It's impossible to hold a conversation because they just get too far away, and I'm asthmatic, and sometimes it kills me to try and keep up, especially when the route is hilly! So, as much of a marvel it is watching them both, sometimes it can be a bit difficult for me, especially when I'm so used to having my woman on my arm when we go out. Call it the tiredness, but last night was one of them nights! We'd got the the chippy, and all was OK, as Spoons needed a poo and was walking slower than normal anyway. However, on the way back, with dinner in hand, she was taking absolutely ages! Dawdling isn't the word! We thought she needed a poo, so FT tried her in the kerb a couple of times. Nothing. So we continued home. Only we were at a pace that probably my Nan could keep up with, and she's jittery on her feet. I couldn't overtake because of distracting the dog, so I was getting frustrated that it was taking so long and the dog's head really wasn't on the job. Something that probably wouldn't have happened if I wasn't tired, I know, but under the circumstances, and probably for the first time, I thought to myself about what would happen if the dog's head wasn't on the job, and a few different worse-case scenarios that might happen if Spoons was having an off day. This was particularly on my mind as the dog was seriously dawdling whilst crossing some roads near where we live. I just kept thinking, 'all it would take is for some idiot to pull out, or turn in, or go too fast, and what would happen?' I can't say I've thought of any negatives of this guide dog business before, and then all of a sudden it was happening all at once. For example, the dog is trained to sit at kerbs and wait to be told to cross. However, when I say sit at kerbs, she gets right up close to them so FT knows she's at a kerb. This is OK on side roads, but I've thought it a few times, that on the busy main road where we live, she's right close to the traffic. And it scares the shit out of me. To the point that if you were walking along with a child holding it's hand, you wouldn't stand that close to the road with it. So it really scares me. I mean, what can you say? Both guide dogs and FT are obviously comfortable with how the dog positions herself when crossing roads, and I understand why. But to my mind, it's a little too close for comfort. I get so scared, but what can you do about it? What if a car or worse, a bus or lorry or something, passed a bit closer than they intended? What if it's a flat kerb and the dog mis-judges it and goes in the road a bit and FT doesn't notice? It scares the shit out of me.
I'm making it sound like she's a crap guide dog. She isn't. She really isn't! She's wonderful. But the 'what ifs' scare me. I mean, the dog doesn't have the intelligence to say 'I'm having an off say'. And if she is having an off day, what happens then?! So whilst the dog is dawdling a bit and I'm getting more and more impatient cos I'm tired and the food is getting cold, and I've got all these panic thoughts going through my head because it seems like she's not really on the ball, something happened and I was out of order and reacted badly.
See, occasionally, the dog can mis-judge the space available and bump FT into a bin or a post or something. Shit happens you know, I mean I've been off the ball and done similar things before now. But when I say 'bump', I mean like just a cilp of the arm or elbow or something. Well fuck knows what happened last night, it's all a bit of a haze, but Spoons wasn't on the ball and was so much in her own world that she couldn't have been paying attention, I have no other explanation. Normally, if FT is going to bump into something and it's just a clip, then I let her do it and correct the dog and make her do it again. Only last night, she nearly guided her right into the path of a bus stop pole. When I say right into, I mean, completely right into, as in if FT hit it, she would have done so completely head first. I panicked. I had to push FT out of the way of the pole, and I completely freaked out. I ended up banging the pole and yelling at the dog. I was completely out of line and it's not my place to correct her. I just freaked out. So then FT had a go at me for telling the dog off, which of course she was within her rights to do so, but I make no excuses for how I reacted. I mean, what was I supposed to do? I had to push FT out the way. I couldn't watch her walk head first into a pole. I was just shocked and panicked at what would happen if I hadn't have been there? I can't lay my hand on my heart and say I won't react in the same way if it happens again. I just felt for the first time that maybe it isn't necessarily a good thing to place so much responsibility on a dog.
So FT and I had a bit of a disagreement over the whole thing. Two tired lesbians do not make for a easy living!
So last night was a bit strange. We were both tired, and could find fault with virtually anything the other one did.
So when I was trying to put Spoon's eye drops in her left eye last night before bed, and after about 4 attempts and wasted drops on the dog's cheek and on my hand, as well as still feeling a bit upset about earlier events while we were out, my patience was frayed seeing as I was tired as well, so I lost it and yelled something along the lines of 'for fuck's sake'. At which point my reaction was met with a good hard slap on my back. Only, I had been cleaning the house, and was naked, so it absolutely cained! I walked off, back stinging in a huff, and FT was upset, both at the way I'd reacted, and at how hard she hit me. I know the whole thing only happened because we were both tired, and in all honesty, I should have slapped myself even harder!
We made up by the time we got to bed, and I think we were both aware it was all out of tiredness rather than anything else. And we drifted off to sleep in each other's arms.
And this morning, things seem to have restored to back to normality and we're both back to our loving selves!
I can't wait to go to bed later!
Come Monday I was just about thinking the whole fucking world was against me, and mentally was prepared to throw in the towel. I hit my low then, and thankfully am ricocheting back up again, when it could have so badly gone the other way.
I felt as though when I get depressed and am feeling low, the world just expects me to snap out of it, or not dwell on it, when if anyone else is feeling down and depressed they get a fair deal of sympathy and listening. Let's just say that made me feel a lot worse! FT was away Monday night, on an overnight shift for her voluntary work, and in a self obsessed sense, I felt crap because I felt like I was getting the raw end of the deal. As if it wasn't bad enough that she was away at perhaps one of the worst possible times for me, but I felt as though she wanted me to just snap out of how I was feeling, whilst departing to listen to other depressed people all night long. So I was a little upset.
We had a chat before she went though, and we both managed to get things a lot clearer. I managed to get my head sorted quite a bit from then on. I seemed to go from feeling alone and under a bit of pressure to snap out of it, to feeling completely loved and listened to, even though she was away for the night.
I still had a crap night's sleep though. I always do without her. But I woke up feeling more positive yesterday morning. I'm a complex character me, and I know I do her head in!
So lets just say I was feeling well and truly knackered by the time last night came! FT herself was knackered after a 10pm til 8am night shift, with only a couple of hours sleep in the afternoon - two tired lesbians doesn't make for the smoothest of sailing!
I spent most of last evening cleaning, Spoons makes the flat dirty in 5 seconds flat, what with having hair everywhere and stuff, and I know FT feels a bit done in sometimes by how easily the flat can get grubby so soon after cleaning, so although it wasn't too dirty, I gave it a top to bottom anyway, and come last night before bed, it was spick and span!
Needless to say, with the two of us knackered last night, we didn't feel like cooking, so we departed for the chippy for our tea. And aside from being 'done' by the amount of chips you're given in a large portion there, the food was really nice, and it beat slaving over a hot stove!
So here's where we get back to the two tired lesbian bit...
We decided to take Spoons with us to the shop as she hadn't been out all day, and FT thought she was getting a bit of cabin fever. So this usually means me walking a couple of paces behind the two of them when the dog is guiding. To be honest, I find this more difficult sometimes than I let on that I do. Typically, then end up steaming down the road as Spoons walks fast, and I end up WAY behind, then they have to stop and wait for me. So it gets kinda lonely. It's impossible to hold a conversation because they just get too far away, and I'm asthmatic, and sometimes it kills me to try and keep up, especially when the route is hilly! So, as much of a marvel it is watching them both, sometimes it can be a bit difficult for me, especially when I'm so used to having my woman on my arm when we go out. Call it the tiredness, but last night was one of them nights! We'd got the the chippy, and all was OK, as Spoons needed a poo and was walking slower than normal anyway. However, on the way back, with dinner in hand, she was taking absolutely ages! Dawdling isn't the word! We thought she needed a poo, so FT tried her in the kerb a couple of times. Nothing. So we continued home. Only we were at a pace that probably my Nan could keep up with, and she's jittery on her feet. I couldn't overtake because of distracting the dog, so I was getting frustrated that it was taking so long and the dog's head really wasn't on the job. Something that probably wouldn't have happened if I wasn't tired, I know, but under the circumstances, and probably for the first time, I thought to myself about what would happen if the dog's head wasn't on the job, and a few different worse-case scenarios that might happen if Spoons was having an off day. This was particularly on my mind as the dog was seriously dawdling whilst crossing some roads near where we live. I just kept thinking, 'all it would take is for some idiot to pull out, or turn in, or go too fast, and what would happen?' I can't say I've thought of any negatives of this guide dog business before, and then all of a sudden it was happening all at once. For example, the dog is trained to sit at kerbs and wait to be told to cross. However, when I say sit at kerbs, she gets right up close to them so FT knows she's at a kerb. This is OK on side roads, but I've thought it a few times, that on the busy main road where we live, she's right close to the traffic. And it scares the shit out of me. To the point that if you were walking along with a child holding it's hand, you wouldn't stand that close to the road with it. So it really scares me. I mean, what can you say? Both guide dogs and FT are obviously comfortable with how the dog positions herself when crossing roads, and I understand why. But to my mind, it's a little too close for comfort. I get so scared, but what can you do about it? What if a car or worse, a bus or lorry or something, passed a bit closer than they intended? What if it's a flat kerb and the dog mis-judges it and goes in the road a bit and FT doesn't notice? It scares the shit out of me.
I'm making it sound like she's a crap guide dog. She isn't. She really isn't! She's wonderful. But the 'what ifs' scare me. I mean, the dog doesn't have the intelligence to say 'I'm having an off say'. And if she is having an off day, what happens then?! So whilst the dog is dawdling a bit and I'm getting more and more impatient cos I'm tired and the food is getting cold, and I've got all these panic thoughts going through my head because it seems like she's not really on the ball, something happened and I was out of order and reacted badly.
See, occasionally, the dog can mis-judge the space available and bump FT into a bin or a post or something. Shit happens you know, I mean I've been off the ball and done similar things before now. But when I say 'bump', I mean like just a cilp of the arm or elbow or something. Well fuck knows what happened last night, it's all a bit of a haze, but Spoons wasn't on the ball and was so much in her own world that she couldn't have been paying attention, I have no other explanation. Normally, if FT is going to bump into something and it's just a clip, then I let her do it and correct the dog and make her do it again. Only last night, she nearly guided her right into the path of a bus stop pole. When I say right into, I mean, completely right into, as in if FT hit it, she would have done so completely head first. I panicked. I had to push FT out of the way of the pole, and I completely freaked out. I ended up banging the pole and yelling at the dog. I was completely out of line and it's not my place to correct her. I just freaked out. So then FT had a go at me for telling the dog off, which of course she was within her rights to do so, but I make no excuses for how I reacted. I mean, what was I supposed to do? I had to push FT out the way. I couldn't watch her walk head first into a pole. I was just shocked and panicked at what would happen if I hadn't have been there? I can't lay my hand on my heart and say I won't react in the same way if it happens again. I just felt for the first time that maybe it isn't necessarily a good thing to place so much responsibility on a dog.
So FT and I had a bit of a disagreement over the whole thing. Two tired lesbians do not make for a easy living!
So last night was a bit strange. We were both tired, and could find fault with virtually anything the other one did.
So when I was trying to put Spoon's eye drops in her left eye last night before bed, and after about 4 attempts and wasted drops on the dog's cheek and on my hand, as well as still feeling a bit upset about earlier events while we were out, my patience was frayed seeing as I was tired as well, so I lost it and yelled something along the lines of 'for fuck's sake'. At which point my reaction was met with a good hard slap on my back. Only, I had been cleaning the house, and was naked, so it absolutely cained! I walked off, back stinging in a huff, and FT was upset, both at the way I'd reacted, and at how hard she hit me. I know the whole thing only happened because we were both tired, and in all honesty, I should have slapped myself even harder!
We made up by the time we got to bed, and I think we were both aware it was all out of tiredness rather than anything else. And we drifted off to sleep in each other's arms.
And this morning, things seem to have restored to back to normality and we're both back to our loving selves!
I can't wait to go to bed later!
posted by doctorlucy @ 6:25 pm
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