A Madly Manic Day!!!!!!

Well, what can I say? What's the most memorable, and eventful event of the past 24 hours for me... Ah hem... sex, sex and more sex!!!! Wow oh fucking wow!Ended up watching Boys Don't Cry on DVD last night with Baby G and FT. And it was a good film. Would probably have been a completely crap storyline as it was incredibly hard to follow, as well as translate the inaudible southern drawl, but it was based on a true story... which made it all worth the while of me trying to explain to Baby G just what was going on in each scene, when most of the time, I had little idea myself! Anyway, it was an ace film when you can see past the difficulties in understanding it, I'm glad I watched it, even if the prejudice and narrowmindedness did make me angry and a little upset. But I loved settling down with FT's head on my lap to watch the film, and lovingly stroking her hair from time to time! It was wonderful!Went to bed with FT after, and was just held for a bit, as I was feeling emotional after the events of the day and stuff, so it was nice to be held, and feel loved, and just feel safe again!Then. Where it came from I have no idea. Just as we were settling down and snuggling up to go to sleep, we just ended up having THE most passionate, mind-blowing sex ever! FUCKING HELL! Like, don't get me wrong, it is always passionate, and always amazing. But it just seems that of late, the whole passion and connection between us just keeps escalating to completely new levels! I have truly never known anything like it!
We eventually went to sleep at well gone 2am this morning! So, I was completely knackered, and ended up having a bit of a lie in this morning, after my beloved had departed to get up at a decent hour. Then, after what seemed like 5 minutes, but really was an hour or so, she comes back in to wake me up and give me cuddles and encourage me to get out of bed. Then, the next thing I know, once again, from absolutely nowhere, we couldn't keep our hands off each other, and was off on another amazing adventure of love, passion and complete and utter horniness! I just cannot get enough of this woman! I'm sitting here, right now, and all I can think of is how amazing she is, and how lucky I am. And how I love everything about her! She is the most beautiful woman in the world in every way, and the lovely thing is, she doesn't even realise it! And that makes her soooooooo sexy! I'm completely and utterly in love! Could you guess?!
When we eventually got up this morning, while everyone else was getting ready, I was doing my best to impress my lady with my DIY skills, by fixing her CD rack. When it's loaded with CDs it ends to bow in the middle, and all of the CDs come out of the runs they sit in and fall out or slip down and funny angles. So, using my electric drill and screwdriver, I used a spare shelf and drilled holes and braced it at the back in the middle, by fixing the spare shelf at the correct distance to stop the columns from bowing. And I loved doing it! Not sure my lady thinks it will work though... either that, or she's not quite as impressed as I'd hoped for, but either way, I was pleased with my seeming successful approach to the problem!We spent hours this afternoon shopping around the local shopping mall, which is huge! We just browsed and tried on, and I ended up buying a t-shirt, which will look ace with my brown jeans, and stuff, so I was pleased with that, as you can never have too many clothes! I also saw quite a few amazingly sexy pieces of lingerie, which I fully intend to buy for my beloved at some point, as she'll look damn sexy modelling them for me! So that's my next shopping trip taken care of! I ended up having a prawn baguette for lunch, and I really should have had chinese like my beloved. Cos that looked sooooo much nicer! And I'm really badly craving it now! In fact, I haven't had any dinner tonight as I'm throwing a strop at my stupidity and the fact that I can't have chinese!
Shopping was fun... me and FT were in absolute stitches all afternoon, as we were walking arm in arm, and Baby G was holding on to FT as we went round and she was guiding her, as that is easier than trying to fit 3 people through a door at once. Well... you'd think so, wouldn't you! I have to say though, for the tiniest person I know Baby G is the most difficult to guide, as she just walks at right angles to the direction you're trying to walk in! So invariably, FT was dragging her into all sorts, like people and clothes racks etc. It was highly amusing, and we spent most of the time chuckling at it. Well, that and the fact that Baby G was likened to both a trolley with a wonkey wheel, and a misile (as she kept missing the aisles and hitting the racks)! Anyway, after a good few hours shopping, we headed off to the station for Baby G to catch her train! It's been a lovely weekend having her here, and she's put a smile on FTs face having her around again. Which always makes me happy!So now it's just us (well, until tomorrow when FT's dad and Beby hound come for the day), and it will be cool to have some space to ourselves to a bit, to relax from the madness of the past week or so! Time for some TLC and massages I think!
I popped out this evening to give my lady some space, as I know she's been going stir crazy, so I went to ASDA and bought her a mango (which might seem weird, but she loves them, and I knew she'd be over the moon with it) and some sweat bands for her gym sessions, and bought beby hound a squeeky ball and some pigs ears as he's not very well and is a bit poorly sick, and needs an operation, so I'm very worried about him, cos he's like my puppy too, and I want him to feel loved! So I thought I'd try and spoil him a bit. Awwwww, Beby hound!!!!
So now, I'm off to settle down and make the most of having the house to ourselves again!

The Morning After The Night Before...

Well, it's been a manic few days of lie ins and making the most of having some spare time of relaxation with my lady. We spent most of Friday morning in bed, fully making the most of having nothing to do but each other! It was a much needed form of therapy! And then in the afternoon began the long drawn out process of cleaning the flat after the stay of beby hound! Bless him, he's as sweet as anything, but he is getting on a bit in years (despite looking and acting like a lickle puppy), and he's a wee bit incontinent. Only it's not urine he's incontinent with, as his only outlet in life is his rug in his car cage! So concequently, he drips not niceness everywhere! So it makes for hard work cleaning that up when he's gone! The mop is seemingly useless for that purpose, and I have to resort to scrubbing the wooden floors with a cloth on my hands and knees! Which is very gross. I am lesbian for a reason!!!! So it makes me a little grouchy to have been up to my neck in doggie sperm! So needless to say, there was a long long shower after that, with lots of shower gel!
The evening was really cool though, as my lady and I picked her best friend, Baby G, up from the station, as she's come to stay with us for the weekend. And then it was a mad rush to try and get to the local theatre in time to catch the performance of 'Great Expectations' which we were booked into. That was cool, once we'd got there... although we did end up going to the wrong theatre to pick up the tickets, but fortunately the right one was only next door! The show was really cool. Although it probably would have helped tremendously if I'd read the book, as I was having great difficulty following what was going on! It was very amusing though, as FT and Baby G had audio headsets which described what was going on on the stage. That probably would have been useful for me too! But alas... those things ended up being great fun! FT was OK with hers, but Baby G kept having difficulty! I'm convinced she was fiddling with it as about half way through the first half, it kept making a very loud noise of radio static, rather than any audible sound, so FT quickly switched headsets! It got worse though, as the same thing happened at the begining of the second half, but this time the radio static noise was louder still! To which FT and myself were in fits of laughter, and making comments of 'mayday, mayday' to each other! To be fair though, we all enjoyed the performance, and it made a nice change to do something different!
Yesterday was a bit rushed and manic, as we all got up quite late and mooched around for a bit, creating a playlist for our party. Before going into town briefly, and heading off to the beauty parlour for FT to have an eyebrow wax and lash extentions. I must say, it was hassle getting there, as Sheffield doesn't name their roads, so how the hell you're supposed to know where you are is beyond me! But we got there in the end, and fortunately, not too late for the appointment. I was a bit dubious about the whole lash extention thing, as I just thought 'that'd not gonna make much of a difference'... how little did I know! Fuck me! Now my lady, if you've ever been fortunate enough to see her, is the most beautiful woman, and has THE most gorgeous eyes, well bloody hell... these lash extentions just framed that beauty even more, and I was completely blown away! They were worth every penny! She looked truly amazing! And that's before she'd even got ready for the party!
The party was a huge success really. I must confess, I was completely and utterly at my wits end with it prior to the event, and was getting very uptight and nervous and stressed about it. Me not being the most social of people in the world, I was just scared that there would be too many people there and I'd feel completely uncomfortable and like it was someone elses party not mine. However, as things turned out, just the right amount of people turned up, and they were great guests to be honest. Everyone was very social and good fun. And the drinks and merryness was great, and fun was had by all. People even seemed to be getting on with our old housemate S, who isn't the easiest of people to get on with! The wonders of not living with her anymore was doing wonders to the socialness! I made a real effort for the party. And it was hard, cos I had to be a host, but I surprised myself by thoroughly enjoying it! And it did go down well that everyone was saying how in love me and FT seemed! Which I thought was really nice! See, people didn't just come for drinks! So thank you to everyone who came and chatted to me! And I hope you enjoyed yourselves!There were even no great embarrassing moments, and sanity was spared. We had a cool chocolate fountain, which was a great hit throughout the party, and everyone commented! However, my poor drunken lady, who was a little worse for wear, took it upon herself to dip her nipple in the fountain at the end of the night! This wouldn't have been a problem, as I'd have liked nothing more than to lick it off for her, but I think it was going a bit too far in front of pervy men, of which there was one still present! So I escorted my drunken lady to the bedroom to put the nipple away before anyone noticed! And as such, embarassment was spared!
So my night ended carrying my drunken lady to bed and taking her clothes and jewellery off so she could go to sleep in comfort! It took me a while to drift off, as I lay there for a while checking she was still breathing and wasn't going to choke on her own vomit if she was unfortunate enough to be sick! I woke up about 9 this morning, when my lady got up to go to toilet, and we lay in bed chatting and I was telling her about the bits she couldn't remember from last night! And then we drifted off back to sleep again. Ahhhh, bliss....We eventually woke up about midday, and ended up, after the majority of hungoverness had passed, having mad passionate sex, as we couldn't keep our hands off each other any longer! I'd worn a satin corset top last night which my lady likes, so I think she appreciated that... or at least that's the impression she gave this morning ;).
We spent the rest of the day cleaning up, and getting showered and refreshed! I've felt a bit out of it today to be honest. Have had such a lovely couple of days, and I don't want to fuck it all up! Anyway, Baby G had to interview LB for part of her uni course, so LB and NO came round this evening, and I didn't handle it well to be honest. I'm a sensitive soul anyway, although I am trying to come to terms with my lack of positive attitude, it does still get me on occassion, and it did today. I was ok, right up until the point when LB started talking about FTs ex's and stuff. She just always seems to have such discussions when I'm present... and I do wonder if it isn't obvious to the world that I do find it a little uncomfortable? Surely it is? Well, I didn't know what to do to be honest, and FT, LB and Baby G all have history, so I felt a bit out on my own a bit, and completely freaked. So I decided to try and turn how I was feeling around to something positive, and at the same time give me some space from a conversation which was making upset. So I decided, that the best thing to do was to bite to bullet and tell my other best friend from home, who is also a devout christian, that I am gay, and madly in love with my lady! Only, I rang her phone a couple of times, and she didn't answer it, so I ended up leaving a message saying I was only ringing for a chat. So, that failed, I tried to ring out old housemate Dr T for a chat, and fill her in on the news about S and BGB! But she didn't answer either! So I was in our bedroom, a bit scared and completely uncomfortable to come out, so I decided to go for a drive and get some space!
I came back a while later for some dinner, and everyone was still here, watching child of our time on TV, which I had set to record when I went out, so couldn't sit and watch it half way through. So I went in the bedroom to listen to a counting crows CD Doofus lent me, and transferred my CDs to our old DVD rack, discovering I have too many to fit on it! So still feeling a little deflated, I came to update my livejournal!
I'm now off for a kiss from my lady, cos I'm feeling fragile and in need of a big long kiss! And then settle down and watch a DVD with her and Baby G!
G'night! -x-

What A Productive Day!!!!!!

Well, hmm, what to say! It's been a productive couple of days really. I didn't get much sleep on Tuesday night though... we had FT's puppy, Beby Hound to stay with her Mum overnight, and as always, he ended up sleeping in our room with us! Not that that's an irregular occurance when we have the hound to stay, as he always has his bed in our room. But the sneeky little devil knows just how damn cute he is, so he always tries to chance his arm and sneek his way onto our bed. Well, he tried at the begining of the night, and then ended up on the floor in our room. However, he's crafty like that... he ended up clambering back onto our bed at some point in the night, and promptly decided to sleep on my feet and in my leg space, so I was crumpled up like a concertina. However, every attempt I made to shove him a bit so I could actually stretch my leg a bit to relieve the cramp, he just ended up rolling over a bit more so I ended up with even less room! In the end, I gave up, cos he is just so damn cute anyway, and we haven't had him to stay for a while, so I thought 'what the hell?' So, I ended up having a bit of a lie in yesterday, and then headed off for a swim about midday while my lady was busting the arse out of a few machines at the gym to relieve some of the stress of having her Mum to stay. I tried to be the supportive attentive girlfriend, giving lots of hugs and kisses where needed, not sure how much use I was though!
In the evening, me and my lady ended up driving over to Scunthorpe to visit a friend on placement there for the evening. That was nice. We had a lovely meal in a quaint little chinese place, and a chat with our friend. But to be honest, it was just lovely to get some open space under the wheels, and just drive with the iPod plugged into the stereo, just being with each other! I love driving with my lady! We were both pretty knackered when we got home, and settled down and watched some more of lost and snuggled up to sleep. And my was it nice to sleep naked, and be able to stretch my legs out!Today has just been manic and gone nowhere... so much for best laid plans, we haven't got everything done we intended to, but we've had a very productive day! Having had a lie in and some mad passionate sex... which was amazing! We watched the last two episodes of lost (what the hell kind of ending is that?!) and then had a mad rush to get ready and go and do some food shopping for the party! My beautiful lady seems to want to get enough food to feed the five thousand, when we already have loads in! Still, I think she wants to make as good an impression with it all as I do! And hopefully the chocolate fountain will achieve that! We went and bought a new DVD rack, for our ever-expanding DVD collection, so I took great pride in putting that together this evening! And I think I made a damn good job! It's not prode of place in our lounge, sophistically decorated with about 100 DVDs and 2 of my lady's prized sculptures, as well as another picture of us. So we're both really pleased with it! I think I still impress her with my DIY skills! Well, at least I hope I do!
I dropped my lady off at her training session this evening, after an amazing session of lovemaking, which made us run a bit late, and had her friends waiting out in the freezing cold... Ah well, we had fun ;)
So I've had the evening to myself, and I spent it washing up and installing a new programme on my lady's computer for her, which she is playing with as we speak! Anything for my beautiful woman! I think she is pleased with my efforts!So now, I'm just killing time, waiting to go to bed, where I fully intend to take full advantage of my lady having no work to do and being in a mood of relaxation, by giving her a nice romantic massage... if I can prize her off the computer first!

Tuesday Blues

Well, what can I say about today? Hmmm, well, I didn't want to get out of bed this morning! Anyone detect a reoccurring pattern here? Hahaha... the story of my life! I just don't do mornings! Well, and why would I when I didn't to sleep until late last night after some amazing lovemaking with my gorgeous and stunningly sexy gf, and settling down and snuggling up in bed to watch an episode of lost? I know I'd rather be doing that then getting my arse out of bed early in the mornings!
Actually though, we had a fairly chilled morning, as my lady was wide awake before I was even semi conscious, and she persisted on waking me up... which I don't mind if she's not dragging me out of bed 2 minutes after me opening my eyes! So we settled down for a bit and watched the best part of another episode of lost. Which we stopped somewhere near the end I think, when FT's mum arrived with beby hound, and we haven't seen them since new year, so it's cool to see them again.
Haven't really been up to much all day. My jammy lady managed to escape fines when returning library books... which is something I can never manage when my books were overdue! I don't know how she manages it!
From there we went shopping and spent what seems like hours walking round the shopping centre, looking at clothes and bras. I bought a new top and my lady tried on some strapless bras, and found one that she liked... but they didn't have it in her size! That's the trouble when you have amazingly large breasts! :P I myself, was more impressed with the very sexy lingerie they had... but I couldn't get her to try any of that on! So I left feeling bitterly disappointed! Will just have to go and buy her some when she's not there... hmmmmmm :).
Since returning from shopping, we've been and had a meal... and I was fairly reserved, trying to stick to the diet as much as possible, having a lasagne, rather than something deep-fried and with chips! Oh how I was craving the giant chocolate ice-cream desert thing! But I was good... so credit where it's due please!!!And we've returned home to 'make-over' our bathroom, with a new chrome light-pull and a new chrome free-standing towel rail, which we are both as pleased as punch with! We love getting new things for the flat and both get excited and take great pride in it! I've even been sorcing out a new DVD rack! I think we both just love setting up home together, somewhere of our own! See... perfect together we are!!!And as for the rest of the night... I think I'm gonna be roped into dying FT's mum's hair, which I am really nervous about, as I haven't done anything like that before! I'm hardly the overly femme type!And then, I hope to settle down with my lady and watch some more of lost on DVD, and have some quiet (as her mum is in the spare room) mad, passionate sex. As on the contrary to what some may think, we have an extremely passionate relationship and are always having mad passionate rampant sex. However, the situation hasn't got dire enough so that we have to publicise every little detail in an online journal to make it 'more exciting'! That's what the minidisks are for! ;)

I Don't Like Mondays!!!

Well, I think it's fair to say that I just did not want to get my arse out of bed this morning! FT didn't have to hand her essay in until 12pm, so for some strange reason, I was slightly bitter at the fact that she was trying to pester my arse out of bed at 8:30am so we could go to the gym and swimming!!!! Can anyone think why I'd possibly want to stay in bed on the first opportunity when we can actually have a guilt-free lie in together? I can!!!! I miss my baby!!! :( Hopefully tomorrow then...
Well, seen as I was 'encouraged' to get up, I thought I might as well make the most of it, and decided to go swimming whilst my lady was having her gym work out. It was really cool actually! I even managed to find my way up the stairs to the pool without falling over, which is quite an achievement as I'm as blind as a bat! It was quite cool really. I mean, I know I didn't do much in the way of lengths, but I have to build it up! And anyway, it's more lengths than I was doing a week ago... so I feel proud of myself at least! Very proud in fact!
I also spent a bit of the day tidying the flat, as it needed a bit of a clean up! Apart from that, I cooked my lady a lovely meal of salmon last night, and I used the George Foreman grill thing (not as George Formby as good ole Doofus called it :D), and it kinda made the house pong even more than usual! So I thought a bit of a spruce round with some antibacterial spray would be a good thing!
Whilst in the midst of cleaning products, my gorgeous lady comes home with a friend who she went out with for lunch. I then had to wait nearly an hour for Doofus to arrive from her swim so we she could practice her presentation for the exams tomorrow. I cooked a chilli and garlic stir fry of chicken and veg for my lady and Doofus as well, which I think went down really well! Well, I hope it did! I do like to impress my friends and my lady especially with my culinary skills... I hope I succeed!
Other than that, I've had a fairly chilled evening. Chatting to my mum on the phone, and catching up a bit on the goss. And more productively I spoke to my best friend from home, Lou. She's a strong Christian, and it's the first time we've spoke on the phone since I came out to her as gay and told her about mine and FT's relationship. So I was really aprehensive to start with, but things were cool. She acknowledges the fact that me and FT are a couple and are together... and she was even asking how FT was doing at uni and stuff. Which I am really happy and relieved about to be honest, as I thought I'd be disowned. It brings back my faith in the fact that people who are your friends and family love you for who you are, not what they expect you to be! I just feel a lot lot more positive, more than I can express, that I have overcome another hurdle. I'm just sorry I didn't do it sooner!
Now I'm off to bed, to settle down and watch some episodes of lost, and wait on my lady, as she's feeling a little fragile and unwell with a poorly tummy!

That Sunday Feeling...

Yes, indeed today is a Sunday! Hence why I haven't updated this journal any earlier, as I'm in lazy mode! It's a Sunday thing! There is something lovely and warm feeling to be staying in bed on a Sunday. Went out for a drink with Doofus last night, which in hindsight, I really shouldn't have, as I just wasn't in the mood. During the day yesterday, FT told me that she was seriously considering going abroad for a while in the summer to teach English as a foreign language. And I took it pretty badly. I justfelt like everything I've started to pick up from my positive thinking books were just blown completely out of the water, and I had to start from scratch. I just felt as though it was a bad time right now for me to have to think and deal with that, after all the emotion of the past week. So last night, I couldn't tell you how I was feeling, because I just didn't know myself... I just felt all over the place. And no disrespect to the Doof, but I just wasn't up for sitting there talking about it, or trying to work out how I felt, when the person I needed to be talking to was at home. I suppose more than anything, I just felt scared. Things have hardly had chance to settle down yet, and at the first sign of change, I always see bad. So I know I need to carry on with the positives, cos it's far easier to let it get you down first. I just got scared. And when I get scared, all I think about is the bad that might happen or is happening. I had a bit of a chat to FT when I got back last night... I was only out half an hour as my mind was just elsewhere. I told her how I feel, and what's been going on in my head. And she listened, and we talked. I explained that I wasn't reacting badly because I don't want her to go abroad or anything like that, but more because I'm just feeling completely and utterly scared out of my wits at the minute, and I'm just finding that hard to deal with on top of the emotion of the past week. Something you have to see about my lady is how amazing and how special she is. She's the kind of woman who always looks on the positives, and doesn't dwell on the negatives. She always tries to see the best in people, and genuinely wants to help others. And they are some amazing qualities which I absolutely love about her. And I know doing stuff like teaching abroad and experiencing new cultures is her passion. I know it probably sounds weird, but she gets a certain glint in her eye, and a certain glow about her when she talks about doing stuff like that, which makes her even more beautiful than she is already. She's amazing with languages and I admire her in that sense. This is something I would never be able to do in a million years, even if I wanted to. I admire her courage, and dedication to what she wants. And all I want is to love and support her in whatever way I can. And I do truly believe I am the luckiest woman in the world that I get to do that. All I want is to be there for her. She's so special and gifted and intelligent, and amazing, and she deserves to live every one of her dreams... and if I can make any of them come true, then come hell or high water, I will. I'm not saying I want to be away from her for any period of time, or that I won't think about her every second of the day, and that hurts like hell knowing I'll feel like that. But I know deep down, that we will be ok, because our relationship is solid, and we can some through anything, and it makes us stronger. But I know that teaching abroad for a bit is an amazing opportunity, and something that someone as amazing and special as my beautiful lady needs to do. And I want her to do it, because I know it's something she would love, and she would get so much from it.
I think she knows deep down how I feel. She knows me inside out, so she knows what I'm feeling before I do most of the time, so I'm sure she knows that the only thing I want is what's best for her. And if she didn't know already, then she will if she reads this.
We spent the rest of the night settled down watching episodes of lost on DVD in our bed. It was lovely. Snuggled up, holding hands, cuddiling, kissing, the whole time. And then spooning each other as we go to sleep. Sometimes actions like that speak louder than any words that could be said.
We overslept this morning. Which was a bit crap, as FT still has quite a bit of her essay to write today, and wanted me to get up with her to read some poems from a book of Adrienne Rich which she bought me for Christmas. I must admit, I hadn't read any of it prior to today. Haven't really had the luxury of sitting down and reading for enjoyment, rather than for one reason or another. So I'm sitting there today, reading to her, all the time thinking to myself 'why the hell haven't I read this sooner?' In fact, I did get a little perturbed when she was interrupting me mid poem so she could write down lines for her essay! It's not as if the poems were extremely long! I'm not usually one to take great appreciation in literature in the slightest. My main source of reading is a book with a good story, or an autobiography which details a person's life. But I can't explain it, there was something about this poetry. It kinda gets you thinking and feeling and, I don't know, perhaps because it's lesbian written, and all the love poems are written from a lesbian standpoint, it touched me. And that is completely unlike me, as I'm more a factual scientific type, rather than an implied wordy in literature type! So I'm recommending it to anyone and everyone that reads this to go out and have a look for the work of Adrienne Rich. It's well worth a read! Believe me!
So now, as most of my Sunday is done, and I've spent time reading, and on msn, and writing in this! So now, I'm going to finally get off my arse, and take some food out the freezer to defrost. So I can go and prepare a lovely meal of salmon on a bed of rice, topped with hollandaise sauce, accompanied with green beans and baby corn for my beautifully tallented and hardworking girlfriend. So I can spoil her in the manner to which she deserves!

Someone... help! The wind is slowly killing me!

Well hello there again dear journal. I would have updated this last night... but chance would have been a fine thing! It seems the wonderful site managers of livejournal were doing some much needed maintenance, which prevented me from viewing any journals, let alone sign in and update my own... grrrrrrr.
Rant over? ... So now we can get on with the show!Well, one og the 'hilights' (which is most certainly a very low point, may I add) of the past few days is my irritable bowel syndrome (and I can hear the 'eeewwwww, too much information from here), but it really isn't like that at all! I'm calling it IBS without a doctors diagnosis as I don't give a fuck what they say... I know there is something wrong with it! It's simply a case of trapped wind in my stomach. Yet when I say trapped wind it like completely inflates me stomach like a balloon and gives me absolute agony! And this has been going on for 3 days. Also I have a complete inability to burp! I know to the rest of the world that sounds weird, but I never ever burp. I don't know how, and I can't! I have tried everything, but there is no civil way of getting rid of that wind! So I live in agony with it... because stupid tablets like Deflatine and Windeez that say they 'gently disperse trapped wind' are a pile of shite and a waste of money, as they do nothing of the sort! Not when taking the recommended 2 tablets, and not even when taking 4 instead, just to see if that has any effect! I've had this problem since Wednesday, and it's now Saturday! Me thinks if it carries on like this, that a little trip to the doctors on Monday will be happening, as it's just getting ridiculous now! I think I've pretty much tried everything, but if anyone has any suggestions, they would be greatly appreciated!
Apart from that, I've been trying to get on with my life as normal. Glancing round on the internet and in the new scientist etc to see if there is any form of employment even remotely applicable to my degree. But everywhere seems to want some form of experience or further education! I am quickly learning that this is the problem with the world of employment! And I still haven't heard anything back from the job I applied for at the blood donor centre. Which I hope I do, cos it seems just ideal for me! So fingers crossed!I went to the gym with FT yesterday. She had her induction, and we said we'd go swimming when she came out, although I was a bit aprehensive with my frequent bouts of shooting pain in the stomach region, but I did want to get off my arse and do some form of exercise! I'm not allowed to use the gym while she's in there, which I probably would have done that too if permitted! I could have quite easily spent an hour on the rowing machine! But they want £200 off me for that privelidge. So, for the moment at least, they can go fuck themselves if they think I can afford to be paying that! But their leather sofa's outside as as much an attraction as the gym itself. So while FT was in the gym, I was sat on a lovely leather sofa, which I sunk into, and started reading one of my positive thinking books. Then, after about 45 minutes, the comfort of the sofa got the better of me, and I just wanted to go to sleep in it! I was quite pissed off that people were walking to and fro all the time, as I couldn't even doze properly, incase I started snoring like a bitch and embarassed myself stupid. Anyway, by the time FT had finished in the gym, the pool was absolutely rammed, and I hate swimming when you're harassed by idiots who follow you round the pool, and plus I was hungry, so we ended up not going for a swim :(.
As a side note to this though, she had had a proper workout in the gym and not just an induction, to which end she was looking a little sweaty and incredibly sexy! mmmmmmmmAs I have already hilighted, I tried to spend a fair amount of time trying to update this journal then... to no avail. So most of the early evening was spent just faffing about on the computer checking emails and persisting with livejournal. I was fairly bored until my gorgeous lady came to lie on the bed before having a shower. I was anything but bored then ;). An hour later she eventually went for her shower. Then we both ended up going out for a drink with our respective friends. I suppose I was fortunate enough that Doofus wasn't up to anything, or I know I'd have sat in feeling all resentful and clock watching. But it helped that I was out, and doing something else. I suppose I was feeling a little upset by the situation, cos I'm trying to avoid situations at the moment where I expect too much, until I can get a hold of this positive thinking and not take everything too personally. But miracles don't seem to be happening overnight, as much as I'd like them to, and as much as I'm trying, I still am finding things difficult, but I know I need to give FT space to sort things out for herself. Which might not be the best thing for me, but will be what's best for our relationship.
Things felt a little weird when we both got home. I know we've talked and sorted stuff out since Monday, and progress is being made by all, but I think still, emotionally we still a bit all over the place. We both know what we want, and that things are good between us again, but emotions were so high on Monday, it's proving a bit impossible to just shut them down without sorting stuff out in your own head. There's a reason why I'm getting freaked out at every little thing with us right now, and that's cos I haven't delt with the emotion of Monday night properly. And also because I'm so tuned into FT, that I instinctively know when something isn't quite right with her. I think that scares her a bit, and makes her feel like I'm always expecting something of her. Which I'm not. I don't mean to push her or anything, I just love her so much that I just want to make everything alright. So we spent like 3 hours into the early hours of the morning just talking. Well, I spent most time listening really. And that really helped. In a funny sort of way, it made me deal with things more, and see things in more perspective, as I felt loved and respected and trusted that she was talking to me. We've always said that we can talk to each other about anything, and that we're open with each other, which is one of the things so important to our relationship. And last night, it just felt that by talking and listening to each other, we reconnected in another way. Deep down, I know we'll be ok. There is far too much love and connection and spark there to just throw it all away. But we just need some time and space. And I really need to make progress with these positive thinking books, so that I don't feel that every little thing is an assault on my character. So, after a complete few hours sleep, and a potential panic in the night that she had slipped out of our bed while I was sleeping, I wake up this morning feeling more refreshed and optimistic than I have in days. I still don't quite know what to do for the best, as I know she needs space and time. I suppose I'll just be me. I'm always gonna be here. To love and support her, to listen, to hold her... none of that will ever change. Never. I love her too much for that!

On Top of the World!!!!!!!

Well, what a difference a day makes ay?! :D. I must say I am feeling a million and one times better than yesterday. And at the minute, each day seems to be getting better and better. AAAAhhhhh? What's this? shock horror... me being positive! Can't be right? ... Well, I assure you it is! The old miserable moody cow has been well and truly buggered off with the threat of death if she ever returns.
Seriously though, I know I can't realisticly expect to be positive forever, cos things do get you down from time to time, but I can't explain it, my attitude seems so much better now, like I really am turning things around, different to convincing myself things are getting better. I can't explain it, I do just feel so much different.It seems like that is showing in every aspect of my life right now. I must admit, yesterday I was still extremely worried about aspects of mine and FTs relationship. I just felt as though things still weren't quite right, even though we had cleared the air and talked. It just felt like maybe things had gone too far to get them back to the way they were before. I'm a worrier, and that won't change overnight. Spending the night out together the night before did help, and it was a great start, because we just got on so well and were making each other laugh and smile. But I was worried that the real spark and connection we share had gone. The thing about our relationship is that no matter the situation, there has always been a hell of a connection between us that is just so intense and overshadows everything. But since the argument the other night, for the first time really, that connection was overshadowed by worry and panic as far as I could see, and I didn't know if it would still be there.
I was absolutely blown away when I came home yesterday afternoon from my trip to the job centre to have her telling me how horny she was! Rrrrrraaaaarrrrhhhh.How the hell I kept my hands off her all evening I don't know! Well, I didn't very well. But I was reasonably reserved as our friend Doofus was round and was cooking for us, so I had to be reserved somewhat.
We were in bed by just before 11, and making mad passionate love in every possible way until the early hours. We even threw in the minidisk for the occasion, making a recording for memories to come. I must say though, I'm not gifted enough to have a minidick player, so we need to find some blasted way of putting them on a tape or CD so I can have a copy too! It was absolutely amazing. And any worries I was having about the connection not being there any more, or being less than before was absolute bollocks! It just feels like the connection gets so much stronger and more intense as time goes on, and grows with every obstacle we overcome together. I love that. It could never, ever be just sex between us, as the mental connection is just so strong, it brings in new elements every single time. We both needed that last night. We both needed to feel desired and wanted beyond anything on this earth, and it certainly was that. Well, I certainly was... I just hope she felt the same! Nothing else mattered apart from us, at that moment in time! To be honest, I was blown away by how amazing it was, and how long we were intertwined in the moment for! I know they say time flies when you're having fun, but Jesus! And I could have gone on all night! And believe me, I would have if my lady didn't have work to do this morning!
Waking up next to her this morning was amazing. For the first time in a while, I woke up and thought 'wow, could life be any more fucking amazing'. And I looked over to my right, and she was there, snuggled up with me! We lay there for a bit, and then listened to our recordings from the night before. God it was out of this world! And served the purpose of making us both extremely horny again. Which served for another amazing hour in bed! I cannot get enough of this woman!
I have spent the day in an absolute daze, with a major permanent grin on my face! I've been bounding round the flat skipping and humming, even when hoovering the apartment block! And I haven't been like that in a long while. I went to the university computer room to look for a job and get out of the house this afternoon too, and all I could think about was FT, how amazing she is, how much I love her, and how I would have liked nothing better than to rush home and take her back to bed!Seemingly, we've both been horny today too, as at every opportunity we've been all over each other! Which is how it should be! We are fast getting back to the 'can't keep our hands off each other' couple that we really are deep down. And it is absolutely amazing!
FT has gone to her training evening, which is gonna be a regular event for a Thursday evening, and all I can think about is jumping on her when she gets back!

When The World Turns... Roll With It!

Well, it has been a mamouth couple of days! I can tell you! But in all honesty, I did wake up yesterday morning a new me. Or, should I say, the old me again! I was still feeling worried and aprehensive the yesterday, and in a way, I still do I suppose. But things are a million times better than they have been. I actually got up and went out yesterday, and I felt like I was making steps in a positive direction for a change rather than treading water, cos lets face it, I was drowning.I went of my own accord and bought a couple of positive thinking books from waterstones. I know a book isn't going to cure all my problems, and especially not overnight, but it's a start, and I'm willing to try anything right now. I went out the house yesterday on a bit of a mission. I had this job I wanted to apply for. The first one I've seen in a while that I've thought 'I really want to do that'. And I also had big plans of getting mine and FTs relationship right back on track... so I was off on a mission!
After getting the books, I went to look for a top to try and make myself look sexy and desirable. But I couldn't find one, which I was extremely disappointed about to be honest. From there I went and got tickets to see Memoirs of a Geisha for my lady. I know she wanted to see it. And to be honest, I think she thinks I don't really listen, cos the times she has said 'I want to see this or that' and we never end up going for one reason or another. I had no desire whatsoever to see this film though, I thought 'it's not my film in the slightest', so that's probably why we don't tend to go to see certain films, cos one or the other of us isn't keen. But I wanted last night to be all about my lady. I wanted her to feel the most special, loved person on the planet, which she really really is, but I've had my head too far up my own arse to show her that. And the old me never let anything stop me from spoiling her. And that me is back again ;). I don't care if I get £500,000 into debt, if there is something out there my lady wants and I can give it to her... then I will! It makes me sound a complete knob that I went through a stage that I was more concerned with conserving money and stuff rather than living for the moment. The real me is the more extravagant romantic gesture type, whatever the cost, and I lost that for a while... but it is back with a vengeance right now! So I had her flowers delivered yesterday, with a giant balloon that says 'I love you'. Then I took her out for a meal. And I can't believe she wouldn't have pudding or a cocktail! I wanted to really treat her, but the diet won :(. And then I took her to see the film, which lasted about 2 and a half hours! In saying that, I didn't hate it like I thought I would. It was nice to watch something I wouldn't normally bother with. I love that about my lady. I learn and experience so many new thingsby being with her, and I didn't even realise that until last night! So, apart from my new experiences, what more could possibly be amazing about going to the cinema with the woman you love? ... Oi... I know what you're thinking... and it wasn't anything like that! It was far too packed ;). But we just held hands all the way through. And I mean ALL the way through. And I love that. It makes me heart feel complete and warm and just right with life!
The extents I went to to impress this lady... I even went and had the car washed, cos I didn't want her getting in a dirty car on her night of spoiling!
And when we came home I went and gave her a massage to southe all her aching limbs. Now I'm crap at massages, and it was the first time in 15 months that she properly admitted that I had no idea what I was doing. But I think in the end, when she was pointing me in the right direction I think she got some benefit and relaxation out of it! That is another aspect I fully intend to improve! So she'd better get used to me having my hands on her, so I can practice, and hopefully she'll be having amazing massages in no time :).
After that, we settled down and snuggled and held hands some more and watched 2 episodes of lost! Yes... 2 episodes as the first didn't finish in a 'satisfactory place' :). I love this woman :).
I've not really done much today. We haven't had make up sex yet, so I've had a bugger of a headache, which is due to withdrawal symptoms from not having her naked body to lavish my attentions on! Although I intend to take full advantage later ;). In saying it's been a non eventful day, I did go to the job centre and get some details of jobs to apply for, which I will ring round tomorrow, and I did submit the application of the job which I really want! I also went with the mrs to get her signed up at the gym (of which I am very jealous), and to hand in an essay, so it was a very productive and promising day all in all! HeeHee :)

Hmmm...

It's been a few days or hours at least since my last entry. And I've gone full circle in lots of respects. I've gone from being not tired, to not being able to sleep, back to being tired again. I've gone from feeling ok, to feeling low and feeling ok again, and to not knowing what the hell is wrong with me. One thing's for sure, something has to change! I miss how things were, and I'm not one that copes easily with change, and it just seems for the minute at least, that everyone around me has moved on, and I'm left grumbling behind. I'm only hoping that'll last not too much longer before I can eventually catch up and move on also. I came out to my christian best friend cowardly via email last week, and although she sent an email back saying things were cool and nothing's changed, I'm still a little unsure of where things lie as we've not spoken since. So that has me emotionally all over the place as well. The horendous thing about all that is, that the way I feel at the moment, down etc, I don't feel in the right frame of mind to deal with all that. I know I need to, and the worst part is over, but I just feel that if I seem depressed or in a weird frame of mind when we do chat, that she'll take it that I'm not happy being gay and try to make me see the light! When in all of this, being gay and people knowing I'm gay is the one thing which I know isn't getting on top of me! I'm proud of who I am and how far I've come. And I am the proudest lady in the world to be the one woman who gets to share her life with my beautiful lady! It's funny, cos I have all of this feeling down and lack of self worth stuff, but the one thing in the world I am sure of is that FT is the one for me. Trouble is, the more I think that, the more scared I get, and the worse things get, cos I try to cling to things as they are rather than moving on. I'll get there in the end. I know I will. I know what I need to do, and that's the first step. Trouble is, I need to get over the bastard hurdle, and that's the bit I'm struggling with right now. My viscious cirle needs to end, and needs to end now. I know everything I have, and everything I stand to lose. So why do I keep hammering on the self destruct button? I'm not stupid enough to think that the way I'm going now I won't lose everything I have. Yet I still keep pushing, and I don't know why. I nearly fucked it all up last night. I think me and my lady got to the stage where we both knew something had to change or there is going to be no us. We're both hurting at the minute, and last night was the closest we've come in the 15 wonderful months of our relationship to losing it all. And I spent the hours between 11pm and 12:30am thinking I had lost it all, and I've never ever felt pain like that before ever. I can see why things went as they were. I haven't been the woman she fell in love with for the past few weeks. But more than that, I haven't been a I even liked for the same duration. So how can I expect her to love me or not to question that when I'm a completely different person than when we fell in love? We talked, and that helped. We managed to conclude a few things, and honestly I'm writing in this journal today, a new me. Reverting back to the woman she fell in love with, and this miserable bitch is gone forever. But to be honest? I'm scared, and I've never been more scared in my entire life. I'm scared I've done too much damage and she's had enough. I couldn't blame her, but of course that's the last thing in the world I want. I know things need to improve, and we have to give it time, but I can't stand this inbetween phase. The scenario is this: This is the one and only person in the world for me, and I've pretty much done everything in my power to inadvertantly push her away. So I'm hurting like hell right now, for a few reasons. Firstly, that I can't stand the fact that I've hurt the woman I love like this, and I'm resisting the urge to withdraw within myself and get down on myself bacause of that, I know it won't help. And it's a constant battle with me cos when I feel down on myself, my sense of self worth drops, and I can't see myself why she'd put up with me, and that makes the situation worse. So I'm trying to keep my head up and get on with things. But it's OK to be scared. I know us, and I know our relationship. And I know that if we talk about things and face things together, that we're as strong as any relationship could possibly be. So that's where I'm heading for now. The sort of person she loves and trusts, and wants and feels she can talk to. And I'm going to do my damdest to show her just how amazing and special she is to me. Starting tonight, I have a few surprises in store, which I hope she will enjoy. I love this woman more than words or actions could ever explain, and I intend to show her and tell her for as long as she'll have me. I prey to god that's forever. She has my heart. I'm nothing without her!

Hmmm... Still Sleepy...

Well, it seems now is as good a time as any to write a second entry. I was in a lovely beautiful sleep, admittedly it was at a bit of an absurd hour to still be in bed, but my excuse is it is a Sunday, and that is what Sunday's are made for ;). So consequesntly (and that is a big word for a Sunday) I'm sitting sleepily and staring aimlessly at the computer waiting for the world to pass me by. Either that or waiting to wake up enough to go and make some breakfast. Although, frankly, the inclination to do that surpasses me, as I'm so pissed off with this diet lark that I just can't be bothered to eat, doesn't matter how hungry I am! So, hopefully, will be losing the pounds left right and centre then :). I am hungry though... but I just want a bit more to eat that two crappy slices of toast :(. Anyone feeling sorry for me yet ... :( Ah well.
I'm back on the crappy sofa again :(. Think I might lie down in a bit and doze... it is a Sunday, and it's about the only thing this sofa is good for! Ah, but in saying that, at random, and repeated intervals throughout the day, I'm going to fire revision questions at my beloved and see how she does with them. Yay Yay Yay... She just got 2 questions right! I'm so proud of her! I'm in love... could you guess?! Well, I'm gonna depart for now and help her amend her livejournal and carry on the bombarding of questions! Until later...

Yikes... My First Entry!

Well, I'm currently sitting on one of the sofas in our apartment, staring aimlessly at my laptop looking for something profound to say, and watching the randomness that is 'who wants to be a millionaire?'. When secretly, I hate this sofa, as it is by the patio doors and it's damn chilly, but my girlfriend and her laptop dominate the sofa we used to share, so I'm sitting here cold by myself, and have just put the heating on again. I'm also not so secretly hoping that the retards that live in the flat above us don't have a party tonight as they did last Saturday, as I resent being kept awake until 3 in the morning because people are too rude and ignorant to answer a door so someone can request they turn their shitty music down. Mind you, their singing was worse than their music! I've had a fairly mundane day today really. Was lying in bed this morning listening to the retards from upstairs throw their real christmas tree over the balcony, and struggle to try and squeeze it into the guy's shitty little car. Only the car isn't a hatchback, and they seemed too retarded to realise that a 6 foot tree wouldn't fit in the car without being chopped! It was amusing enough to listen to their struggles though. Well, in the meantime, I did have the hilight of my day: my beautiful lady FT burst through the bedroom door, peeling items of clothing as she entered, and summoned me to a session of the most amazing, wonderful, passionate lovemaking. I personally could have stayed there in bed, all day, just the two of us in each others arms. But the bastard that is university and exams is preventing that at the moment, and as supportive as I'm trying to be, will be extremely glad when it is all over and done with and we can start properly enjoying each other again!
I'm still recovering from finding out about an amazing surprise she has planned for me! A romantic weekend in Manchester in February!!! So I am still in a complete daze about that! No one has ever done anything so amazing and romantic for me before! I could cry! In fact, I have, as I am all hormonal with a bugger of a period today! Which is adding to my woes, as I just feel like bursting into tears over anything! Good or bad! I am also extremely horny (shhhh, I didn't say that!). Which in itself is a pain in the arse, as I'm in too much pain with this period to know what best to do about it! :'( Oh god... the crying begins again! Let's just say I'll be glad when the period and the gf's exams are over and done with! I think I'll probably spend the rest of this evening either on the computer trying to avoid doing anything of importance, or in front of the telly watching anything random to pass some time before bed :).
Anyway, I'm sure, or at least I hope future entries will be more interesting than this, but this is as good a first entry as any I suppose...