My Little Black Hole

I'm feeling worse today than I have done in a good few days! Everything up to now has been fairly positive since my counselling session last week. Only today, I spent half an hour sitting on the toilet at work sobbing.
I woke up this morning, well, the dog woke me up. FT and I were sharing a bed having spent a lovely relaxing evening watching Lost on video that my Mum recorded to me. Spoons woke me up half an hour before my alarm was due to go off, because she needed a wee... she was whining. I'd have sympathy, but I was a little frustrated because she just will not use her pen to spend in at the moment. And this is the dog that has held her need for a wee for 20 hours before. So she obviously didn't go when FT took her out last night, and so I was woken to do the honours this morning. I wouldn't mind, but it seemed a bit pointless to try and go back to sleep for just half an hour! Anyway, I was absolutely freezing, and ended up jumping back into bed shivering beyond belief because I was so cold.
Then FT put her arms around me, and spooned me. And for a moment, I felt the luckiest woman in the world. There is no feeling in the world like that! Then, I knew it was a bad day, when my brain started to run away from me, and there was nothing I could do to slow it down!
'This feels so right, why can't be be like this all the time?'
'We're perfect for each other, we make each other laugh, we're always there for each other, there's this spark between us that could never ever exist with anyone else, why do we have to go through this?'
'Don't be stupid Luce, you know the answers to all of this, you need space and time to sort your heads out individually, and you know fate has is mapped out for you to be together, just hang in there, be positive, and get through this for you.'
'But things were so good the past couple of days, but she seemed different today, what if she doesn't love me anymore? I know she loves me, but what if she's having second thoughts'.
I lay there for the full half an hour, all this going through my head.
I know rationally what we need to do. And that even when things go brilliant, and are just like they were when we were soppy and romantic and in the height of our togetherness, I still know that we need space and time, and that maybe after that she backs off because she doesn't want me to think that we can fix this tomorrow. Maybe she's reminding herself that we can't just get back together and fix this tomorrow? If there is any chance for an us, we need time.
There are no definites... I find that harder than you can imagine. I've always clung to something certain to get me through hard times in my life. She was my certain. I can't cling to that anymore. I don't know what to do.
I lay there in her arms. Thinking and thinking. And the last thing I wanted to do was think! I was drowing in my thoughts. They were slowly killing me. I kept telling myself 'shut up', 'stop reading into things', 'stop looking too far to the future, when you do, it all gets so messed up. Just look to the day ahead, things have been going so well, keep focusing on that.'
The thoughts won. I couldn't shut them out.
I lay there, and for the first time I think that I've ever truly thought it, but I just wanted to go to sleep and never wake up.
I wanted all the thinking to stop, and I just felt so right, so loved, so perfect lying there in her arms. I just wanted to drift off to a peaceful sleep, and never wake up again. All I could think was that if this was the last memory I was to have lying there, feeling loved, and complete, and with my soulmate by my side, that I would die the happiest woman in the world.

And from there I've ended up in a right teary state all day. Fortunately we don't have kids in on a Wednesday afternoon, so it was fairly quiet. But I thought I was going to crack up.
I went to counselling tonight, and I don't know if it done any good at all really. I didn't really say much, and didn't seem very responsive to anything he said. Maybe some good did come out of it somewhere? Right now, I don't know.
I just need to stop letting my brain run away and analyse things... the one thing I really struggle with!

I was reading a blog yesterday. Written by someone experiencing something not too disimilar to what I'm going through right now. And it seems, in terms of fluctuating between positive and depressive thoughts, we seem quite similar there too. There was something she said though, that left me thinking about myself. How I'm feeling right now, and how I deal with things.
What she said was this: "...I want her to feel the loss as acutely as I do. I want it to take over and destroy part of her life..."
For the first time, I sat back and thought about my hurt. My loss. How it hits me. How I really feel about FT. It left me thinking 'part of you must be angry with her, or hate her for all of this. You get angry and bitter so easily, you feel resentment so easily, somewhere inside you, there must be some of this toward FT.'
I sat and I thought. And I searched my heart and my soul for all my feelings. How I really feel about her. I came to this conclusion: I do NOT hate her. I could never hate her. Yes, I hurt, but I know this is the last thing in the world she wanted to happen. I know this hurt is the last thing in the world she wanted me to feel. I love her. Maybe, in a strange a way as it sounds, I love her now, more and deeper than I did before, because she loves me enough to not lie to me. Not to carry on and hope things would put themselves right, but to make the hard decision, and maybe, there will be a future at the end of it. That hurts more than anything, that because of all of this, I love her more now than I ever did, and yet we can't be together as things stand. That kills me more and more each day.
But I could never EVER wish any hurt or pain on her. As much as I hurt, and I feel like my insides have been ripped out and I'm in pieces and don't know how to put them all back together again, I could never wish any of this on her.
I love her too deeply, too damn much to ever want her heart to ache and yearn like mine does right now. I love her too much to wish her any pain.
That's how I know she's my soulmate.

In my dreams...

Things right now are pretty impossible. I want her. She wants me. I love her. She loves me. But we can’t be together right now the way both of us want and need to be.
That doesn’t stop the feelings. The want and the need. The desire that burns down deep inside.
I look at her, and I see the woman I fell so madly, passionately in love with. I still feel the same way. I feel exactly as I did way back then. She still turns my heart to mush. She still gives me goose bumps when she walks into the room. She makes me smile without doing anything. When she looks into my eyes, my heart pounds, and turns to complete mush in a single second. That still happens even now. After everything that has happened. It makes no difference to how I feel. She makes me feel warm. She makes me feel loved. She makes me feel wanted. But above all. She makes me feel alive. I’m addicted to her. When we’re apart, I feel nothing. Nothing but numb and loss.
When we are together, none of that matters anymore.
I feel alive. I feel electrified. There is nothing on this earth like it. She feels it too. I know she does.
I know her. I can see it in her eyes. I can see it in the way she is.
That fire and that passion is still there. So is the love and the warmth. Day after day we ask ourselves why are we here? What is it fate has in store for us that we are at this point, when both of us want to be together so much.
We can’t be apart. It kills us both inside. Yet when we are together. There is something there. More than just friendship. There’s still that connection. Still that spark.
She turns me on. She always has. From the first moment I set eyes on her, and she didn’t even know I was in the room, she awoke something inside me. This electrifying spark. This connection. This uncontrollable desire.

The sexual tension between us is electrifying. So intense. As intense as ever. If not more so. We enjoy spending time together. Doing things together. I don’t think either of us could cope without that side of things. Especially when we’ve been such a big part of each other’s lives, and we still love each other.
Yet in some ways, it is absolutely unbearable.
When I see her, in the kitchen, at the sink, next to the table, I just want to walk up behind her, wrap my arms around her luscious waist, bury my head in her neck, smelling the intoxicating odour of her hair, and her skin, and to lightly kiss her neck in the way I love, and the way she loves to be kissed. I seem to spend an eternity thinking about all the things like that. I think to myself: ‘just do it’, ‘you know her, you know that she wants it and is thinking it too’, then I think to myself: ‘you can’t make her feel uncomfortable’, ‘you’re not making this any easier for either of you’, ‘what if she doesn’t want to, then you’ll only get hurt’.
I still want her all the time. I want to know that she still wants me. That she feels like she still needs me. I can’t be the only one that can’t live without all of the closeness that we share. Can I? I miss the way she used to be with me. Now it seems instead of getting the real FT, I get the ‘I should be doing thism and shouldn’t be doing that’ FT. I know her. I know that’s how she feels inside. My heart is aching for her to follow hers. To give in to her desires. I can’t believe that she doesn’t feel the same as I do. It all meant so much more than that.
She makes me randy, and I want her all the time. But because of where we are now, we both feel like we can’t act on our desires and our impulses. I’ve been bad. I’ve not been able to be as disciplined as perhaps the situation dictates. I can’t! She’s my weakness. My addiction. I mean, come on, she is the sexiest woman on the planet. The thought that she can be more restrained than me kills me. I want her. Damn I want her. I want to see that passion. That fiery passion of the tiger that I fell so deeply in love with. That passion that kept us both together and strong for the past two years. I can see it’s still there. I can feel it like a drum, pounding out between both of us. That will never die. As long as we live, that will never die. Of that much, I am sure.
This sounds all sexual. But it’s so much more than that. The connection that runs between us, is so much more than sex. That passion, that love, that intensity, is some much deeper than sex. I suppose the sexual side of things is just an avenue of showing it, or feeling it. Of holding on to that connection and feeling it’s intensity pumping through our veins. It is never sex. As passionate and rampant as it can get. It is never just sex, or just fucking, it’s more than that. It’s connecting. Treasuring, worshiping, respecting, honouring, and making love.
I want to feel her. I want to feel her passion. I know it’s still there. I know it still flows. I know it’s not dead!
I want her to want me. I want to be thrown against the wall and completely and utterly dominated. I want the fire. I want the passion.
I know it’s there. We’ve had ‘moments’. Whether feeling lost and neglected and in the midst of one of our legendary cuddles, or play-fighting for ticklish spots. We’ve had moments, when we’ve given in to what should and shouldn’t be. I know it’s still there. I can feel it. She can too. I know it.
Everyone only ever sees the brave side to us. The side we show the world to try and convince ourselves everything is alright. Neither of us feel it. Deep down, neither of us want it.
But this is what fate has in store for us right now. Maybe in the bigger picture of things, this is a small insignificant step in the happy future of our lives. I believe fate is on our side. However hard this is now. And however much we want each other.
In my dreams...

Black, White And Grey... With Lots of Pink in the Middle!

I don't really know where to begin. Who reads this anyway?! I've long pondered the debate about whether to actually post on my blog. I mean, why do we do it? Is it because we want to kid ourselves that our lives are interesting, and people will genuinely tune in to see what's going on? Is it because it's a way to keep friends and family, both near and far updated on our lives? Is it just an outlet in which to get things out in the open in some form so they don't completely destroy you inside, is it because we like to feel that someone out there cares enough to offer you some comfort and advice and support when life is shit and it's really gettting you down? Or is it simply because it's a way of sharing our thoughts and feelings, and a little part of ourselves either anonymously or directly with other people in the world without having to feel like you need to answer to someone else.
Maybe it's all of them.
It doesn't help that I feel abandoned by certain people I've opened my life up to on here, and more than I've published on here, and I feel like the trust and support I've offered has been thrown back in my face, and it leaves me wondering is this real, or just a figment of someone's imagination, like a sad soap opera. Yes, I'm hurting right now, and maybe I'm not of completely sane mind, but that doesn't make me a bad person, does it?
I don't know.
Life is shit right now, for many reasons. Yet I didn't want my blog to be a sob story of what's not going so well.
Yet I'm stuck in a quandry. How do I deal with how I'm feeling? I bottle it up and it eats away at me inside, and leaves me feeling seriously suicidal. Then I get even more frustrated that I haven't even got the bottle to do anything about that.
I can't talk to close friends and family. They all have oppinions and think it is like this, and should be like that, and I need to be doing this and not doing that. Yes, I do get the supportive approach, but I can't cope with the rest of it. I can't expect them to know what I need. I don't even know that myself right now. But all this frustration and anger and resentment I get from them, directed towards my beloved FT, whether they directly bitch or insinuate or perhaps when I'm feeling positive, they remind me that something might not be as I see it. It doesn't help. It hurts. I don't want to be around it. I don't want to deal with it. I just want to be left alone, in the same instance, being alone is the last thing in the world that I want right now.
There is no answer.
The reason for my post title is this: If white is together, and black is apart, then grey is somewhere in the middle either emotionally, mentally or physically, and pink, is well... an evening of the amazing Pink in concert last night!
FT's Mum and her boyfriend (who for the purpose of this post and here after shall be known as Dweeb because he is a right arse-licking wet blanket) came up for the weekend to go to this Pink concert we had tickets for. They all stayed at the flat. FT included. We shared a room. We shared a bed. Our bed. There is no easy or hard thing to do anymore. Everything turns in to various shades of grey. You might sit there and think that sharing the room and bed this weekend could only complicate matters and make things worse. I suppose in a sense, that's right. Yet in another way, it makes things easier. Neither of us sleep properly when we're apart. We've both been open and honest about that. I don't think I've slept properly since we split up. I don't know what it is about when we're together, but even when things are like they are, it just feels right, and we feel safe and relaxed, and we just sleep, so soundly. The only thing is, it's so hard not to look at that and keep asking yourself why things need to be the way they are now, when both of us are suffering so much. It doesn't matter that you know why... it doesn't stop you asking or thinking it though.
In some ways it made things so much better just being around each other and spending time together, and knowing and seeing that we are feeling the same. I think we both feel better because of all that. Inspite of worrying about the situation, and each other.
It's all such a mess. We seem to go from being really positive and enjoying things as they are, and then worrying about how things are now, and what happens in this period that we're going through now.
We're both completely in a mushy grey area right now. We both love each other. That much is obvious. That has never changed. We both couldn't go on as things were. Yes, FT was the one to be brave enough to say something, but we would have destroyed each other carrying on the way we were. Neither of us want things to be the way they are right now. I think we're both scaling the premises for a quick fix or fast forward button to move on to the next chapter. The one where everything is OK and there is a happy ending and the two amazing soulmates kiss and end up together with the big fat labrador in tow.
There is no fast forward button right now, and all the uncertainty and riding the storm is the hardest thing in the world to do.
It's not the grey area that's a living hell. You know what. To hell with what everyone else thinks. There is no clear 'this is what is right and what is wrong line'. We're doing what feels right for us, at the time. We can't move any other way. I just hate that people have opinions or think we're in a place that we're not. I know it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks or feels, but when you're hyper sensitive to the situation anyway, it doesn't help feeling like the world is against the one thing in the world that is keeping you going right now. And it does feel like that.

The hardest thing right now is Christmas. Christmas and New Year. We had it all planned how we were going to spend it. Together. We both fought the family both ends to make sure the coast was clear for us to spend our first proper christmas together. Now we don't have that. It's hard. This time last year, we were putting our christmas tree up, with all the special baubles and tinsel we bought. We were so excited. Now it's all just sitting there in the box. I can't face putting the tree up. I don't want it up. I don't want anything to do with christmas.
Maybe I'm weird, but to me, christmas and new year are one of the most special, romantic times of the year. I'm usually a big kid where christmas is concerned, getting into the spirit, and I like nothing more than sharing a drink, time and a few jokes with friends and family, and being around those you love most. I suppose I found last year a nightmare. FT and I were apart, and it was a living hell. She was in my head the whole day. What was she doing? Was she missing me? I wanted to be there, touch her, give her a peck on the cheek, hold her hand. Watch her open her presents. To see that look on her face. To see her tuck into her christmas dinner. Anything to see that beautiful smile. I think I spent most of the day ringing and voicemailing her at every available oportunity, just so she knew I was thinking of her, and missing her, and wanting to be with her. For me, to sit there, be with my family, eat dinner, pull crackers, open presents, it didn't mean anything without her there by my side. And then she fell out with her mum on christmas night and boxing day, and I was in pieces beacause I couldn't be there with her. I spent christmas counting the hours until it was time for me to go FT's mum's for new year. And then the world was a great place again - we spent new year together. And just counting down the new year and being with her, to hold her and kiss her, and just be with her, was the best feeling on earth. I have never been happier.
It dawns now that none of that is going to happen this year. I can't sit there and pretend that I'm ok and I'm enjoying being at home, and enjoying being with the family, when really, all I'm going to be thinking and feeling, is that the most important thing is missing. I'll still be wondering what she's doing, and if she's thinking of me, and misses me, and if she is having fun, or if she's smiling. Or even if she misses our christmas that should have been. I can't pull crackers and put on a brave face like it's all OK, when I'll be dying inside.
Then there's new year. You know, yes, I intended proposing at new year. But I'm not stupid, if things hadn't felt quite right, then I wouldn't have proposed. It was just when I thought would be the perfect time, seeing as the first christmas we spent together, was our christmas, which we had on new years day 2005 as we couldn't be together on christmas day itself. But now I can't face new year. I don't want to stand there counting down a ew year that I don't want to happen. I don't want there to be anymore new years. I don't want to be with anyone else at the turn of a new year, because no one else matters. And that kills me inside.
So I can't do any of it this year, and I really don't know what I'm going to do.
I just want to be on my own. But then I get accused of being selfish and not thinking of the family etc. But then if I go home and am miserable, then I get accused of being selfish and not thinking of anyone either. I can't win. I firmly can't. And I know that no one will understand that.
I hate christmas, and everything to do with it at the minute. I hate going shopping, with all the carols in every shop. The decorations. Just everything. I have never not wanted something to happen so less in all my life. I seriously do not go out, even food shopping unless I absolutely have to. If I see a christmas tree, I just want to knock it down or set fire to it. I feel that strongly. I hate it. I just hate it.
I had FT's mum tactlessly asking me if I was looking forward to going home for christmas this year. I couldn't handle it. I said no and left the room to play with my compter. It seemed a daft question really. Like I was going to say 'yeah, it's going to be ace'. I think FT went on about what a silly question that was and how neither of us are looking forward to christmas. See this is the thing, secretly the families are laughing as they get our undivided attention over the period now, something they wouldn't have done before. In fairness to her, she did invite me to them at christmas. I just don't know what to do. I'm going to hurt whatever I do. there is still christmas, and then new year, wherever I am, and I don't want it.
I suppose it would be fair to say I'm feeling a inconsolable over it. It's not going to be nice for anyone, and FT and I are big losers whatever happens. And neither of us ever wanted that.
It's all such a big mess. And I feel like I'm losing my fight.
If there is ever a chance of anything happening between FT and me, then I need to fight, and be positive, and look forward. Only I don't know how right now. My forward has gone and I need to re-focus onto a new form of forward. But this one is uncertain and has lots of this and thats and if this and if thats. I find it hard to fight when I don't know if what I'm fightning for is even possible. I suppose in my heart of hearts, I know it is, and in the bigger picture, I trust that fate has it meant to be. I just can't mentally and emotionally walk that path right now. I don't know how and I want to give in.
I love her so much... That is the only thing of which I am certain anymore. That and I really can't handle christmas!