Down on Myself and Not Quite Moving on

So mentally, I'm in no better place right now than I was at the weekend. I feel trapped. Like I know I'm acting and doing and saying things I know are not a wise choice, and I know I'm out of order for doing, yet I can't quite stop it until after I've done it.
I was thinking last night that my last blog post probably shouldn't have been. Maybe I shouldn't have put how I was feeling and acting down on screen for the world to see. It probably wasn't fair to FT or to anyone else concerned. Only I thought it was important, as it was an important thing for me to do as self realisation of that I need help and I can't carry on like this. Now I feel even more like I've fucked up as I've put FT in a position which I didn't want her to be in. I didn't mean to hurt anyone, or piss anyone off in the slightest. I tried to make the whole content of my last post about how I'd learned that what I was thinking and feeling wasn't rational, and without realising that, I wouldn't have been able to move on. That's the reason and the whole point of the rambled too-long post! I didn't mean to put anyone in a position or cause any bad feeling, or infer any responsibility of anyone for my thoughts or actions.
I wish I'd kept my mouth shut now!

I'm still down on myself!
I tried ringing the local 'Mind' today, to see if they could put me in touch with a counceller or anything. Only all I got was a 'please leave a message after the tone' message, with a tone that never ended so I had no opportunity to leave a god damn message! So I was a bit upset after that.
I then phoned my doctor for an appointment to see if they could do anything to help. Only I couldn't get an appointment until Monday morning, and I'm fairly dubious that they will be of any use, especially seeing as they were reluctant to prescribe me any medication when I had an infection and was literally choking on my swollen uvula! That and the fact that the appointment is bang at the time when my Mum and cousin are due to arrive for the week, and it probably means explaining to her what I'm going to the doctors for. So I'm worried about that too!

That, and I've been a fucking c**t this week. I've been doing some scanning of documents into the computer for FT, only I've even taken that too far. I've taken it upon myself to do better and more scanning than anyone, considering she has two other readers and someone else to help out if needed. I've been woman posessed. I don't know what's got into me. I think it's all related to my self esteem thing. It started off that I was just so glad to be given something useful to do, and I was feeling like I was actually being of use and contributing something good and making FT's life easier for her degree. But then I just took that a step too far, trying to finish all the books and documents, like I have to be better than everyone else. Only I've been doing it to the point of spending every spare second of my time in there, reluctant to come out to eat or do anything else until I've got as much done as possible.
I think a lot of it is a form of escapism... it's pretty much mindless work, and all the time I'm doing that, I'm doing something good and useful and if I get more done than anyone else (which is likely as I'm spending all my time in there), then I can feel good and better about myself, and FT will be pleased with me. And I don't have to be thinking about anything else.
The only trouble with that is I've now made myself knackered and I'm running on empty. So I've been rude. Hurtful. Selfish. Ignorant. And self absorbed, particularly with FT. And to make myself feel better about it, I've been doing more scanning and getting more tired. Been in a vicious circle. She's gone to choir tonight, and I think she just needs some space. I've been incredibly hard work. I can't blame her for needing a break, I would too in her shoes.
I don't know how I'm going to get on waiting for councelling of some form... I can't escape forever!
I'm just feeling a bit shit tonight. All I want is cuddles and to be held... yet when I'm like this, I'm almost impossible to love!

A Lot Like Me...

I've thought long and hard for a bit over the past couple of days, about a lot of things, and about what I wanted to put in this post.
You see, when I started this blog I decided that I was going to opt for brutal honesty and to use it as an outlet of how I think and feel. I always thought that'd be a good idea, as it'd be something to look back on and see how far I've come in a metaphorical level over the months/years.
That still stands. If there's one thing I am, honest and loyal would probably be equal at the top of the list. That said, the last thing I want to do is to drone on and sound repatative, or make this all full of the same thing. Hence my reason for the quite a bit of thought about this post. And to be honest, it'll probably sound dead repatative and just the same as all the other ones. But it was either that or not post, and I didn't think that'd do me any good really.
So at the risk of soundung repetative... my post begins:

I've had a nightmare at work this week to be fair. Not sure if it's a bit of the coming up to half term feeling, or a mixture of a few heavy weekends catching up with me, but I've been absolutely knackered all week long, and have been a little off par at work. Not to the point of not doing my job properly, but just not as 'with it' as I usually am. And when at one point I had one of the kids erupt into bouts of calling me a 'daft c**t' I was pretty close to tears. Not that I took it personally. I knew if anyone else had been trying to get him to do something at that point then they'd have got the exact same treatment, but feeling run down and not with it. It really got to me, and I just wanted to leave. I made sure I got some more sleep that night, and felt a little better for the rest of the week, but I was more than a little glad when this weekend came!

And then came Friday night. And I nearly embarked on another bout of 'I'm going to be an arsehole' again. Don't get me wrong, it wasn't an absolute disaster, but was a little difficult. It was alcohol fuelled and to be honest, I had just about enough power to stop myself well and truely fucking up.
We'd planned a group evening out. I like to do something on a Friday night, to sort of commemorate surviving the week, and as something to look forward to after getting up when it's still dark in the mornings all week long. It was supposed to be a fairly big group. I'd asked a couple of friends, who had gone ot Birmingham for the weekend. FT had asked a couple as well, who were either busy or away, or not in the mood for going out. So it ended up being just a group of four. Myself, FT, and Sean and Dora. That proved to be a fairly awkward social setting.
Sean and Dora have a bit of history, and in face, inspite both of them saying they were speaking and stuff, it was clear that they weren't really there, which sort of left it really awkward, with FT and myself trying to make conversation and include everyone.
I particularly found this really difficult. See, Sean isn't the best in social situations, and obviously finds it quite hard to talk to people he doesn't really know. I thought this would be OK. We could all have a drink, release a few inhibitions and bob's your uncle, we'd be right as rain chatting when we'd normally find it difficult. I mean, after I get a few drinks down me, I can quite happily chat to random people in pubs who I normally wouldn't have the balls to converse with.
It didn't quite work like that. The pub and club we went to were very loud. Louder than usual, which made for communicating to be an absolute nightmare. Dora and Sean weren't really talking. They said a few things to each other, but no lasting conversation. I tried a few times to get group conversation going, finding that very difficult, and that didn't end up to be a long lasting conversation either.
I started finding the situation more and more awkward. I was getting more and more self-conscious, and ended up drinking more cider in the hope that would help. It didn't.
One thing I did end up realising part way through the night, is that I really do still have some self-esteem and confidence issues. I started feeling trapped, and just didn't know what to do.
That's when the over-reactions began. I started getting upset that Sean only really conversed with FT, and I started getting upset that it put her in a bit of a position as she was the only one he really knew, to talk to him. The thing is, I see with Sean, a lot of similarities socially with myself. Only I tend to be able to hide it a lot better, making it less outwardly obvious, whilst feeling awkward and torn up inside. That generally tends to make people think I'm OK with social situations when really I'm not. I'm stressed and uptight, and not really knowing what to do.
That's where I was on Friday night. Only with a whole irrational self-esteem flip, and a bout of extreme jealousy (even when I knew there was absolutely nothing to be jealous about). I felt myself fucking everything up with the way I was handling things, and the way I was reacting. I also felt out of control, and like there was nothing I could do. I just felt like I might as well have not been there. Dora felt awkward and ended up going home fiarly early into the night, which in some ways made the situation easier, and in some ways made the situation worse. I think FT and Sean found it easier as it relieved some pressure on the awkward group setting, but in some ways I felt it made the situation worse. I was feeling low and inspite of all my desires and thoughts about using the night to get to know Sean better, the whole situation just left me feeling low and just fuelled my ongoing self-esteem issues.
I think I shocked myself this weekend at just how much this impacts on my life and governs me over certain situations. The way I was feeling on Friday night, was by no means normal. And that scares the hell out of me.
I was getting upset, and jealous, and felt like an unwanted third wheel in a situation where there is no threat whatsoever. I over-reacted when Sean bought FT a drink. It just felt as though I wasn't there. Or would have been preferred if I wasn't there. So I made myself look like a complete arse by storming to the bar and getting one in before her had chance. Yeah, I was that fucking childish. I nearly had another bout while dancing too. When we were all dancing in a group, there was one occasion when Sean twirled FT, and I nearly flipped out then. She later said she thought it was me who twirled her, which I don't doubt for a second she did, but at the time I felt hurt and upset, as she's usually so self-conscious about dancing and refuses to twirl. Yet I had a cider-fuelled jealous, low self-esteem head on, and I just wanted to smack him one there and then. So now I'm making myself sound like a right psycho on my own blog, which isn't the intention.
Nor am I using this post to have a dig at anyone or their actions in any way. I'm merely trying to explain my feelings, and some self-realisation on my part, this is merely the story of how I got there.
I went to the toilet at that point to try and calm down again. It pissed me off even more that the ladies was flooded and we had to use the men's for the night! Gay men are worse than women for congregating in toilets! Having to oush through a wall of camp men just to get to a cubicle before pissing yourself isn't fun!
I calmed down a little bit at this point. Although I was still feeling like my emotions were in knots in my stomach and throat. I tried to hide how I was feeling. I tried drinking more cider. I tried dancing erratically, to the point of jumping up and down. That was my cry for help. I didn't know it then until about a half hour later. I went up and started dancing by myself to Bon Jovi's livin' on a prayer. I don't do dancing normally. I certainly don't dance by myself. I probably made a right prat of myself. I didn't want to dance by myself, but I just felt as though I didn't have the right to ask FT to dance with me.
I managed to last the length of the song dancing, and 90% of the next song too, before realising that all was not well with me. Call it something like eyes filling with tears that made me realise that there is something, somewhere underlying that leads me to feeling and reacting in these ways. There's something about a sudden flood of tears, albeit for a brief period that makes you sober up pretty much on the spot.
It was at that point that I realised that I was just being a complete and utter arse, and whatever is going on subconsciously with me at the minute that has my self esteem so low and my jealousy so high is pretty much governing how I act in certain situations. And that's exactly what I was doing Friday night. Only, it was the first realisation I've had that this is what's going on, and actually, I do have some control over it. I was at that point that I realised I needed to do all I could to stop reacting to situations. I stopped drinking at that point and moved onto water for the evening. I won't say I found it easy. It was damn near impossible to carry on for the rest of the night. I just felt as though I was having a major battle internally just to act normal and not to over react. I just felt as though there was everything there that made me want to say or do something to let out how I was feeling inside, and to hold on and deal with it later was the most difficult thing in the world. I just felt upset and torn and hurt, like I shouldn't have been there.
I had a good night. The music was good, the company was good although a little difficult and strained at times, and I had a drink and went out and relaxed. It wasn't that I had a crap night. I was glad I went out. I'm just sorry I found it so difficult.
FT and I talked about it yesterday, and I suppose I realised some more just how mentally strained I am at the minute.

I'm sure I know how recovering alcoholics must feel. What is it they say? Admitting it is the first and most important step?
Well, I have a self-esteem problem. I have chronic low self esteem, even when there is no reason around me for it to be low. I have a job I'm enjoying every minute of, and I'm earning regular money for a change. Some incredible friends. I have an amazing, beautiful woman by my side, who couldn't be more supportive, or loving, or patient than she is, I've never felt more loved or more in love than I am right now. We have an amazing life, a beautiful pooch, a gorgeous apartment, absolutely everything I could want at this point in my life. Yet I still feel as though I'm not good enough. I'm not worth any of this. And I can't help feeling that at some point, everyone will snap out of this illusion I seem to have them under and realise that too.
So I act in ways like I did on Friday. I feel as though I have to compete for my friend's attentions and I have to compete for the affections of my beloved, like she will forget that I'm there if I don't. And if I don't then she'll find someone else more interesting, more attractive, more fun to be with etc. So I get jealous, and it all spirals from there. It's nothing she or anyone else does and says, and when I'm being rational, I know just how perfect we are together, and that she wants to be with me and she doesn't want anyone else. Hell, her actions don't under any circumstances indicate that she doesn't want to be with me... quite the opposite. Yet somewhere inside of me I feel insecure. I have the confidence problems. I don't feel good enough.
And I think a lot of the time, I can make myself look more comfortable with situations, when deep down, they're eating me up inside! And that just sets me up for defeat before I even start.

I think I realised this weekend just how deep this self-esteem problem is. And yes, I can combat it for periods at a time, but it always comes back, and deep down, it's always there.
I scared myself this weekend. I think I realised for the first time just how much of a problem this is. If I think I'm shit and I haven't got time of day for myself, then I'm not giving anyone else reason to, and I'm giving them every reason to think I'm shit.
The thing I really struggle with is carrying on with everyday life while I'm trying to sort the self esteem problems out. I feel like its one step forward, two steps back. And I don't know what to do about that.
I feel like I want to step back from group and social situations right now to stop feeling like I did this weekend. I just feel like I don't know how to cope with them right now.
I've never been at this point before. Not wanting to avoid group situations. We have a club night this Friday coming at the uni that we always try to go to. I'm not sure I can go. I'm scared.
I don't want to feel like this anymore.

I need some help. I think I need to see someone professional to try and find out where this is all stemming from, when there is no reason in the world why my self esteem should be low.

I'll keep you posted!

The M Word...

Well, let's face it... it comes after the L word (Now I thought that was funny even if the rest of you didn't), and it's a million zillion times better than the C word that I was progressively called by one of the kids at work repeatedly yesterday, to the point of me getting nearly enough upset to cry.
I didn't cry. I wanted to though. I've had enough this week. My head isn't really there! I'm just sooooooo tired! I have half term fever in a bad way! I just can't get enough sleep, and it really didn't help me having a cold at the begining of the week!
I was better today. And the little fucker from yesterday was enough of a shit today to get himself sent home before dinner, so he missed the best one of the week. I was just a little bitter he didn't get himself sent home yesterday... made up for it today though!
Little bastard! His mum must be so proud!
Sorry folks... rant over!

Back to the post in hand:

The M Word! Yep, that really has been on my mind the past few days. And I can't stop thinking about it! I know we should take it steady, and not run before we can walk. And after how emotional everything has been lately, that it's not the right time. But I guess after the weekend, and how amazing that was, and just how much more we reconnect now, just made me realise just how much I want to spend the rest of my life with this woman.
Not that I've ever thought any different, but I guess I was afraid to think about the M word too much, as I wasn't sure it was what FT wanted deep down.
Something unlocked this weekend, and ever since, it's like I can see our future right there before me again!
And the M word plays a BIG part of that!
So that's where my head has been... way up in the clouds! With the BIGGEST mother-fucking smile I've had in ages!

God I'm the luckiest woman on the planet!

I'm so in love with you baby!

2 Years!!! 2 Glorious Years!!!!!!

It's our 2 year anniversary today.
I can't put into words how I feel.
Hopefully I'm beaming with the emotions I'm feeling inside, and she knows how I feel.
I hope so.
We went away this weekend. A spur of the moment luxury weekend away at a hotel.
It was just what we needed. More than I can explain.
We both feel like that.
It was money well spent! I was out of this world.
I won't go into detail. I can't right now.

All I have is this:

Breathe Again

My heart stopped.
My senses numbed
I ceased feeling.
I might have stopped existing.
I don’t know.
I didn’t know anything then.

I don’t know where it started.
Where it all began.
I can’t even pinpoint how long for.
I just felt numb.
Like I wasn’t alive.

Last night was like magic.
Like someone lit the spark inside me again.
I don’t think I even realised until then
Just how not right things were.
I opened up.
Said things I’d kept deep inside.

I cried.
She cried.
And it was like we started looking from the same page again.
We held each other. Tight.
Like there was nothing in the world that mattered.
Caught in the moment, like the world might end there and then.
And we’d die happy and complete even if it did.

My heart beats again.
We share the same vision. Seeing life through the same rose tinted spectacles.
I feel happier, gladder, more joyous, more alive than I think I have done in a while.
Just to be with her, and for it all to be perfect again.
I’m alive.
We’re alive, now more so than ever.
Words can’t express the love that I feel.
So I won’t begin to try.

I breathe again!