Random Questionnaire Thing!

1. What does your user name mean?
It was my username when I was at university. We had to use it for the computers and the start of my email address. The mda bit is the prefix for my department. 02 is the year I started at the uni and the ljp are my initials.
2. Elaborate on your user photo:
I don’t have one! Not through lack of trying mind, every time I try to load one the page takes ages to refresh and won’t load one on. I don’t know why… damn thing!
3. How many comments do you have?
Hardly anyone ever comments on my journal. But then that’s probably my fault!
4. What's your current relationship status?
Ah ah… I like this question! I’m currently in a very blissful and amazing relationship with my beautiful gf. And we live together in an extremely amazing apartment. Things couldn’t be any better!
5. What exactly are you wearing right now?
Purple PJs with lil’ sheep on them!
6. What is your current problem?
I need a shower!
7. What do you love most?
My girlfriend and my family and friends.
8. What makes you most happy?
Being in the arms of my beloved.
9. Are you musically inclined?
Fuck am I?! I really wish I was, but I’m not. And it’s one of the things I hate about me!
10. What would you do if you woke up one morning and found out you were on cocaine?
I don’t understand the question? I’m not likely to wake up one morning and ‘find’ myself on an illicit substance as I’m a scientist and have strong views on drugs and things, having busted my arse at uni for 3 years learning about what they do to you. I’m quite capable of creating enough problems in my life without throwing drugs into the mix. I would stop myself long before it got to waking up and realising I’m on drugs!
11. If you could go back in time, and change something, what would it be?
Yeah, I think I agree with my lady. Shit happens for a reason, and like it or not, everything that has happened has made me who I am now, and leaves me where I am today. Without it, I wouldn’t be me. And for better or worse, I’m still learning, and I don’t wanna change that!
12. If you MUST be an animal for ONE day, what would you be?
I’d probably be a dog… dead cute but cheeky at the same time!
13. Ever have a near death experience?
Thought I was gonna die when I capsized in a canoe in Holland when I was 9. But other than that I don’t think so.
14. Name an obvious quality you have?
I'm as loyal as they come… everyone says so, and it’s one thing I pride myself on.
15. What's the name of the song that's stuck in your head right now?
Suddenly I see by KT Tunstall. Me and my lady watched it on the Brits in video this morning. And it was a fairly shit performance to be fair! But Kelly Clarkson Rocks!!!!
16. Are you happy today?
It’s a quiet Sunday. I’m spending time with my lady. Yep… I’m very happy!
17. Who will cut and paste this to first?
Hahahaha, my lady knows me too well! But I bet some other bugger’s done it while I was in the shower, which will really piss me off! Grrrrr. Erm, dunno. Dora’s the only other person I know with a livejournal, so her if she hasn’t beat me!
18. Name someone with the same birthday as you:
Hmm, for me it’ll have to be a family friend who we never see called Neil who was born a year after me on the same day… almost as if to steal my special birthday thunder.
19. Do you have a secret crush on someone?
Nope… all my hopes, dreams and deepest darkest fantasies are and will be forever fulfilled with my precious lady, so there is no need for secrecy. We share everything!
20. Do you have a garbage disposal in your kitchen sink?
Nope… and I thought we were being fancy pants with a dishwasher! Haven’t people heard of bins?!
21. Have you ever been in a fight?
Yeah, a couple of times. Punched a neighbour in the face when I was younger as she was threatening to hit me with a skateboard, so I thought fuck it I’ll get in there first. Then she ran off crying. Haven’t hit anyone in ages though
22. Have you ever sang in front of a large audience?
Yes, as a matter of fact. I was in the choir at school and we performed in a church up town in London every Christmas. But the highlight was when we performed at the Royal Festival Hall in London. That’s about my only claim to fame.
23. What's the first thing you notice about the OPPOSITE sex:
Bluegh… yuk!
24. Whats your biggest mistake?
Not thinking before I act or say something! I am learning to stop and think though, although that childhood jump in feet first before you think seems never to have left me. And I’m forever regretting it! And constantly battling to change it!
25. Say something totally random about you?
I did like the whole ‘I have a little mouth full of big bad words’ comment which I passed when I was drunk the other night. But then anyone who knows me knows that’s not random!
26. Has anyone ever said you looked like a celebrity?
Nope… although when I first got glasses my uncle tried to take the piss out of me saying I had ‘John Lennon glasses’. But that’s as close to a celebrity likeness I’ve ever got!
27. Are you comfortable with your height?
I suppose so, although I would like to be able to see over a crowd which comes in useful at theatres and cinemas and concerts. Other than that, I like my height.
28. What is the most romantic thing someone has ever done for you?
Well, just recently, my lady booked and paid for a room with a Jacuzzi at a hotel in Manchester for a weekend. I had no idea she was planning something like that, and I was completely lost for words. No one has ever done anything like that for me before, and I could have cried!
29. What is your favorite smell?
The smells of my gf. Her perfume and her skin, and her hair and every smell she produces is like a smell of heaven!
30. What's something that really annoys you?Arrogant people, and liars… especially those who continue to lie when they’re found out!
31. What's something you really like?
Lying in the arms of my lady… I feel at home and it makes the world a much better place!
32. Do you give random hugs and kisses?
Hugs, yeah, moderately. If I haven’t seen a friend for ages or someone looks like they need a hug, then I can give them freely. But not so much with kisses… these lips are reserved for my lady!
33. What's the latest you have ever stayed up?
There have been times when I haven’t gone to bed!
34. Have you ever been rushed to the emergency room?
Nope. I was a fairly accident free child/adolescent. Well, that’s a lie really, but I was fortunate enough not to end up at hospital for it!

Hmmm, A Medley of Hilarious Moments...

Well, I think I have some things to elaborate on after the last journal entry by my dearest. Yes, I went out for a 'drink' with Doofus on Friday night. I can't remember the last time I went out for a drink proper... I didn't take the car, and I think the last time that happened was the January Climax! Anyway, the reason behind it was not to get pissed out of my head, but to sample some of the strawberry cider at the Dev Cat (which ordinarily would place me over the driving limit). So we went there first and had a pint of the cider each... only it wasn't the fizzy kind, and mine went down a treat, so I had to finish Doosus' pint off too. Well then, the Dev Cat started to get a little busy, so we headed off for somewhere a little more friendly and quieter to have a chat and some more to drink. Well, we were walking round, progressively furhter into town, and were thinking 'where the hell can we go that isn't gonna be rammed on a Friday night?' Then I had a thought... 'ah ha, let's go to the Lion's Lair!' I was muchly excited then, after having a drink especially, but the Lion's Lair is like a new gay pub that has opened up and as yet, me and the mrs haven't been, and I was itching to grace it with my presence. It's not a huge place, and it was reasonably quiet, we got a table and there was music, but it was quiet enough to be heard over. I just thought it had a lovely atmosphere! And, well, they sold corona, so I was in my element! I don't quite know what happened then, cos three drinks later I was well, more than tipsy shall we say, and was unable to walk in a straight line! My lady rang me whilst at the pub, and I remember telling her I love her lots while I was in the toilet, leaving Doofus in need of the loo back at the table. So, after chatting to my beloved briefly, and of course warning her that I was gonna be quite drunk when I got myself home, I went back to the table and finished my drink. I could have stayed and had more to drink, but I wanted to catch the bus home (how wise was that I wonder now when I look back, but I got off at the right stop ok!). So we had to leave slightly before 11 to ensure I caught the bus before they stopped... I refused to catch a cab cos they're too damn expensive when I can pay £1.50 and have a 5 minute walk! Doofus ensured I got safely on the bus, and it felt like it was moving, even when it was still at the stop! But as I said, I managed to get off at the right stop! And then began the walk down our road. Which, I hasten to add, isn't the smoothest of roads... so in a drunken state, I kept tripping up paving stones, and wobbling from car to wall all the way down, eventually ending up in the bush of next door's front garden! I didn't fall over, just walked into the thing, and it was a lot softer than the stupid orange transit van they have parked outside! At least the 101 dogs didn't bark! Yes, you heard right, we live next to something out out 101 bloody dalmations! So I eventually gets to the door, and wisely didn't bother to search for my keys, deciding to buzz the intercom instead. So I stood there for a sec, looking at the button for number 3, but I was swaying so much the finger was moving from button 2 to button 4! I did manage to press our intercom though, and stood there waiting for my beloved to answer. I had it all prepared what I was gonna say, I had rehearsed it all night whilst tipsy. I was gonna press the button and say 'do I live here?' Only when she answered the intercom it all went to pot, and I didn't end up saying that at all! She said 'hello' (probably knowing it was a drunken me, to which I replied by getting down on one knee and saying 'Bunches, will you marry me?!'
And the response was 'the doors open darling'. What a pleb! I can't believe I said that! Not cos I don't mean it. We talk about getting married, and how when I can get enough cash together to buy the most god damn amazing ring that money can buy, and I'll ask her to marry me properly. And I don't want anything to detract from that moment! So like a twat I propose in a drunken state on the doorstep over the intercom! In the cold light of day I'm mad at myself for doing it, as I didn't want it to happen like that! Now I feel incredibly stupid! So I eventually pushed the door and came into the building, finding my way to the flat door, and decided to lean on it and wait for my lady to open the door and give me cuddles. Seeing as I'd only had huggles much earlier that morning, I was in much need of them! So when my lady eventually opened the flat door I burst through it and landed on top of her literally. Then, I don't know how, I ended up leaning on the wall behind the door on the floor and sitting there for a while whilst my lady kept disappearing to put the kettle on, and coming back to check on me! I don't know how she managed it, but she eventually got me in the lounge, sitting on the sofa. At which point I proceeded to throw a pair of her clean knickers across the room, and then crawled on the floor on my belly to retrieve them! I don't know what possessed me... I just think I kept insisting on having cuddles, to which my lady refused unless I drank the large mug of coffee she made for me! I remember all she kept saying was 'come on, big gulps, a bit more', to which my response was 'I only have a little mouth, full of big bad words'! But in the end I drank the coffee as fast as I could without being sick! So then we headed off into the bedroom where my lady undressed me, and we ended up having naked cuddles! Which was a bonus, as I would have been satisfied with cuddles, but naked ones... WOW! By that point, and especially after resting on the bosom of my beloved, I sobered up substantially! And before we both knew what was happening, I was lying there in her arms, surrounded by her naked body, and we both got completely horny! And then I had a flash thought of 'oh shit, I've had a drink, I'm gonna be crap tonight, and she'll be unsatisfied'. But with every second that we kissed and touched, I seemed to sober up more, and she seemed to really want me to make love to her, and then all I could think about was enjoying her body, and making her feel good. We ended up having amazing sex, and it was unbelievable making love to her. I felt her come, and it was so amazing, words could not describe! And then I was so horny and turned on you would not believe! But I knew as I'd had a drink there was no way on earth, no matter how amazing sex with my lady is, that I would be able to come! I hear people say that alcohol makes sex better, but I just can't understand it! It makes me and my clit all numb and just feel weird, so it doesn't matter how turned on I am, there is no way on earth I'll be able to come! So we ended up snuggling up together in bed, naked and drowsy, with me a little frustrated, but under the notion that I would be fully satisfied in the morning when we woke up! And in the morning, I wasn't disappointed! We had a relative lie in, and it was just nice waking up when we were both good and ready, and neither of us having to rush out of bed to do something! So we just lay there, and cuddled. Me feeling a little hungover, but not as bad as I have done before! I think the coffee really helped! From naked cuddles, we ended up again, having mad passionate sex, and it felt so good to feel her like that. I felt complete, and loved, and wanted and needed. The connection was electric, and after a night on a bender, to be brought home, and back down to earth with the feel and touch of my loved one, there is nothing I wanted more on the planet. It was magical! After more closeness and naked cuddles in bed, we ambled up together and got ready, as Doofus was meeting us and coming to Asda shopping with us, as she needed to get some food like FT and I for our flat. She arrived slightly later than expected as her dopey boyfriend had departed to work with her purse in tow, so she had to come via there to collect her purse. Then she had a sandwich and crisps here (dutifully eradicating the sin that is cheese and onion) before we departed to the supermarket. What is it with idiots on a packed Saturday afternoon at the supermarket that think it's ok to take up a disabled bay even if they don't have a badge cos they're sitting in the car?! Morons! There aren't many disabled bays in the car park, but they are a damn site nearer to the store than other bays, and they're there for a reason god damn it! Makes life a hell of a lot easier when trying to unload a full trolley! But with all the useless turds in those bays, I had to park in an ordinary bay, scowling at the bastards as we went into the store! Then the store was packed, and loud, so impossible to communicate with my lady as we were shopping. But none the less, we tried to converse over what we needed and what we didn't! Only Doofus seemed to finish shopping when me and my lady weren't even half way round, and was trying to hurry us up. Which both of us ignored as it was stressful enough shopping on a Saturday afternoon without the added stress of being rushed! We eventually finished and dropped Doofus off at hers before heading home and putting our shopping away! I was feeling a little fragile through over exertion and the hangover, so I had some lunch with my lady wonderfully made for me, and then I thought it best to go out again as the fresh air might do me good. So I departed to the local bookshop, changing the book I'd bought for my lady which I thought might help her with her course (which she didn't need - that'll teach me to interfere) for a book which contains the story of Brokeback Mountain. At which the lady in the shop informed me it was part of the big gay read (after I'd explained the mis-hap of the book for my girlfriend's course) and it was on promotion, so instead of £1 extra, I only had to pay 1p! So I walked out the shop smiling and feeling good! Any hoo, this gave me a great incentive so I thought! Oh yes... I'm setting myself a task or challenge or whatever you want to call it, but I think it's a blinding idea! I'm not much of a literary genius and reading is something that I rarely do unless I'm in the mood, as much as I would like to do more! So I've decided that I'm going to read if not all, at least half of the books on the big gay read! I feel that it's my duty as I've never read any gay literature before and it's something I really want to do! So I'm all excited and empassioned now! Woo hoo... go me!!!! From the book store I went to the cinema to get tickets for a showing of Derailed for me and my lady in the evening. I needed to get petrol for the car anyway, and the cinema queue can be an absolute nightmare on a Saturday night, so thought I may as well go early and get the tickets to save queuing later that night. And then from there went on a search from some new cherry flavoured diet coke, as I really wanted to try it! And plus, it would be cheaper to take drinks with you to the cinema than buy them there, when there isn't a lot of variety anyway! That is one issue I have with cinemas ins Sheffield... they have a crap selection of drinks (no ice blast for example unlike those near me in London). Their sweet popcorn tastes like they've forgot to add the sweet! It has no flavour! And lastly, they don't have a Ben & Jerry's counter to sell Ben and Jerry's ice cream, which is the best invention on the planet! I've visited they factory in Vermont New England, and it is ace! I'm a huge fan! Cherry Garcia and Chocolate fudge brownie all the way! But at least they sell Hargen Dazs, which is a small consolation. So from the cinema I returned home to get some tea before having to get ready to head out for the film itself. Only, I returned home to find my lady extremely horny! And trying to rip my clothes off (and get me to rip hers off) literally as soon as I walked through the door! I was muchly amused, as usually the story goes that when I'm that horny, she turns me on and makes me worse, leaving me incredibly frustrated for when we go out, and doesn't have me until we get back. So I thought we could have some fun here, and tried the same approach. Which I did achieve, as we ended up grappling and play fighting with passion and sexual tension flying round the room for ages, it must have been on and off for at least an hour. It was amazing. Only I didn't escape unscathed, as by the end of it, I was as frustrated and horny as I have ever been in my life! There is something incredibly horny about this woman when I'm pinning her down on the bed and have her between my legs, and I can almost feel her throbbing clit beneath me! She drives me insane! But I was resigned to the fact that she was just as horny and turned on as I was! And the next thing I know, we were rushing to get ready to go out. To which effect, I wanted to wear something I knew she'd love me in... So I opted for one of the thongs that she bought for me last weekend underneath a long skirt, which I know she loves me in. Now I never wear skirts, well, rarely anyway. So when I do, I usually get a good reaction! And I must have been feeling brave to wear a skirt and sandals in the freezing of winter!
Anyway, the skirt had the desired effect, as FT kept trying to see what I was wearing underneath it in the middle of the cinema! But seeing as we were a little later than planned, we ended up sitting at the front in full view of the cinema. Which was a shame, as had we been sitting at the back, I'd have let her do a lot more than look at what was underneath the skirt! But we had to content ourselves in with the film. Which in my oppinion, deserves a lot better ratings than its had, and should have had a lot more hype! For anyone that hasn't seen it and gets chance, go and see it! It's brilliant! Twists and turns all the way through! And you don't feel as though you've been in there that long! Go see that film! After the film however, we wasted no time in driving home, as both of us were about at our wits end with horniness and wanting each other! We came in and locked the door, and wasted no time in heading straight for the bedroom. Now this is where the subject of this entry will make the most sense. If anyone has seen the 40 year-old virgin, it was like something out of that! I think in our need and haste for each other, and all the horniness that was clouding the room, there were a series of moments which we will look back on and chuckle! As I have explained, the thought of me in a skirt and something unknown underneath, was something which has appeared to dominate FT's thoughts all night, and back at home was no exception. She took great time and care and consideration with gently pushing my skirt up to feel what was underneath, and it felt amazing and out of this world, feeling her soft hands and lips kiss my legs as she worked the skirt up to discover my thong. I was seriously tingling all over, feeling so special and connected. She was kissing me in all the places where my body ached. It was like she knew where I needed to be kissed, and how I needed to feel her, without me having to say a word. It was incredible. Out of this world. The connection was so strong, and just keeps getting stronger! I was in a land of euphoria, where nothing in the world mattered apart from the touch and feel of my beloved! And when she'd had enough of faffing around with the skirt still on, she decided to take it off. She found the zip at the left hand side, which can be a bit tricky, but she stared to slide it down ok, so I relaxed back on the bed. Then all of a sudden, the zip got stuck and she paused. Well, that was followed by a complete scream and yell from me. FT backed away from the skirt repeating 'oh my god, oh my god...' over and over again. Yes, the zip had got caught, but not on the fabric of the skirt as usual, it had got caught on my skin! And part of my left leg was trapped in the zip! Hence the pain and the yelling! I managed to gently prize my leg out of the zip and it was stinging like a bitch. I lay there for a bit, with my hand over the injured piece of skin, unable to see if it was cut... as it turned out, I don't think it was cut, more just a bit chaffed from being caught, but it was stinging like a bitch! Meanwhile, FT was kneeling on the floor, with her head in her hands saying 'Oh my god, I'm soooooo sorry...' over and over. It was one of them moments out of the 40 year-old virgin. And after the pain had subsided, we could both see the funny side! Anyway, we took the skirt off and carried on, keeping the passion and the romance. She lay me down on the bed, and then lay on top of me, kissing my body, and it started tingling in all the right places again. Just as we were getting back to the place we'd been before the zip incident, FT wispers in my ear 'just relax', and with that, we both started uncontrollably laughing! As let's face it, I had been relaxing when my leg got trapped in the zip, and it was the most silly thing to say given the situation. So we lay there, tears coming to both our eyes with the giggles. It's a testament to our relationship and how comfortable with each other we are that something like that can happen, and then a few minutes later we burst into laughter, and then 5 minutes later still we get back, and more intently to extremely intense passionate love making! By the time the giggling subsided and the intense passion retook its hold, both of us were completely and utterly wanting. As she kissed my neck and my nipples, I grinded into her, I just wanted to feel her. I needed to feel her. However, I think my wriggling and grinding was making life a bit too difficult for her, and she ended up handcuffing my hands to the bed posts so I couldn't move. And I lay there, completely restrained as she gave my body the fullest attention and gave me more than I ever dreamed possible. I had the most fullfilling, amazing orgasm. It seems the more we connect, the better sex gets, the more amazing the orgasms, and the more I want her! It is out of this world! It is so much more than just sex and just an orgasm! It's an experience that could never be achieved or shared with anyone else ever. It's amazing! And then I lie in the arms after she released me from the hancuffs. The safest place in the world. Held there, feeling warm and so loved. I caught my breath and regained the feeling ir at least partly, in my limbs, before focussing all my attention on my lady. I loved feeling her beneath me. I tenderly caressed every inch of her body, feeling her close, holding me tight, pulling me in. It was amazing. Like nothing on earth. There are no words that can explain how amazing it was to make love with her last night after both of us horny and wanting each other all evening. I can't express how amazing it was, and how the connection between us just gets me and consumes me every time, getting stronger and more intense. I know I say it all the time, but it just blows me away, and I just can't find the words! We lay there, FT in my arms, as I held her close, as she recovered, just being with each other and chatting, and just being with each other, as we started to get sleepy and drift off. In the end, I turned over and FT cuddled up behind me, spooning me, and we drifted off into the warmest, most content sleep ever. Ahhhh, bliss! So now today, I'm going to have a wash cos I feel all sleepy now as I'm still in my PJs, and I might go for a bit of a drive in a bit, but I'm not sure. But I am definetely going to settle down in a bit and make a start on the Brokeback Mountain book, and so commence my challenge of the books on the big gay read!

Agony, Imsomnia & Desire

Well, let's face it, in the past 24-36 hours, I've experienced all three of the above and some of which have been more pleasurable than others! I spent all of yesterday and the night before in complete and utter agony! Yes, I hear you asking, that two week period is still ongoing, and the pain I've had from it over the last couple of days has been more than I think I've ever had from a period in my entire life! There is little that seemed to stop it, and I spent most of the time either feeling incredibly sorry for myself or wanting to ram my fist through a wall or a door just to feel a different kind of pain somewhere other than my uterus! The wheatbag and heat did seemingly little to stop the pain, although my beautiful and attentive lady massaging my belly, and then rubbing my back was about the best thing in the world to come out of it! But then I managed to make myself feel incredibly guilty, as I'd kept her up late the night before giving me a massage to help the pain, so I played down the extent to which the back rub and massage was actually helping so that she wouldn't waste her spare time or stay up when she could be sleeping. No one ever died of period pain did they? And plus, I know just how busy and stressed she is at the minute, so I don't want to put on her in the slightest. Contrary to popular oppinion, I wanna be there for her and help, rather than be a burdan and a hindrance! In the end, I took a trip to the weird chemist in Crookes (and fortunately the creepy lady wasn't there), and bought a very large box of 400mg ibuprofen tablets and have been taking them every 8 hours, and it has quelled the pain somewhat! Now all I need is to stop bleeding! The insomnia and the desire part of my subject are somewhat intertwined. You see, I desire my lady 24/7. And I can lay my hand on my heart and say that if we spent every second of every day in bed, making mad passionate love and snuggling and talking. I only have to take one glance in her direction and I'm there. She has my undivided attention and all I can think about is how amazing she is, how beautiful she looks, how sweet she tastes, and then I can't get her off my mind. Only, I've felt like that ever since we got back from Manchester, only I know that during the week is crap for her as she's soooooo busy with work. But I can just about manage knowing that we both really want each other and can't stop thinking about each other, but can't do anything until... which makes the intensity of when we finally do get our hands on each other even more incredible. And that's exactly what happened last night. It got to the point last night where we just couldn't wait any longer. I needed her, and she needed me, and we had to have each other. So when we went to bed, I did lots of bad things to her, and she couldn't decide what she wanted more... It was amazing, hot, fiery, passionate, steamy, close sex and I made her come, and it was out of this world feeling her like that. Only I wanted and desired her more than anything. I physically ached inside for her, and had a dull ache inside me like I get when we're apart. I needed so much to feel her. To know that she wanted me (which I knew she did). The only trouble was, I was in serious period pain, and knew that I physically wouldn't be able to have what I needed. So I we ended up cuddling for a bit, and I was feeling mortified that this period was in one way or another, getting in the way of what I needed. I knew she was shattered, so we eventually tried going to sleep, and I ended up (after she had dozed off), getting back up and watching a recording of the Brit Awards and some really crappy quiz programme on ITV until like 1am. Then I eventually returned to bed, and snuggled the back of my sleeping beauty until I drifted off to sleep myself! Today has been mad... the period pain is subsiding, only to be replaced with a muggy head headache type thing which is buggering my vision a bit... but again, I'll live! Think that's to do with tiredness though! I sat in a lecture with my lady today and done some leisure reading... a crime novel by Karin Slaughter... and I'm recommending her stuff to anyone reading this! Not much of the book left now though! Oooh it's getting exciting!!! I also did some more washing, which I'm reminding myself is still in the machine for hanging. And put the dishwasher on... which also needs emptying! I'm crap at that bit! On a brighter note, I walked my lady round the gym, in a personal trainer capacity. I love doing that! I love that it's something else I get to share with her! And she is very sexy when she'd working out and all sexy! I could rip her knickers off right there and then! Ahem... restrain yourself woman! And from the gym I've been filling in application forms for jobs, which I'm going to put in the post tonight. And I had a shower, as I was feeling all minging... and then, after that, I was unexpectedly ravaged by my lady whilst I was lying on the bed minding my own business! It was amazing! Feeling her inside me, and close. So attentive, and sensual. Her amazing touch. Her fingers. Her kisses. She made me tingle, and how she made me come, was out of this world! It was amazing! I'm speachless! Just to feel connected to her in that extreme way again, so raw and so pure. I ached and wanted her so badly. And then lying in her arms afterwards, whilst the numbness subsided. Feeling so loved, and wanted, and protected. I never feel so safe as I do in her arms! She's a magical remarkable woman is my lady. And there is nothing I can do to even come close to showing her the extent of how I feel about her! And that frustrates the god damn hell out of me! So now I'm off to have some food, as I haven't had any tea yet tonight!

Football, Beer & a Gorgeous Girlfriend... What More Does a Dyke Need?

Well, firstly, my journal entry is slightly inflated as Arsenal have just scored against Real Madrid in the champions's league... Beckham's face was a picture! Legend! Thierry Henry, Thierry Henry!!!! OK, OK, enough of that!Really though, I'm pissed off and in pain as I STILL have a bloody period, which has lasted so far 2 weeks and continues! I could just about cope with the inconvience of it and the expense of tampons if the pain would subside for any period of time! Normally I get pain for the first day or two, and then it eases off and I can get on with my life. Well, so far on this period (which itself so far has lasted double the length of time than normal), I've had the period cramps 3-4 times and not all in one go, and I have them again. So I'm feeling very sorry for myself, and resisting the urge to burst out crying both as a form of depression of it all, and of pure and utter frustration at the fact that it won't go away! In fact, I managed to pull myself off the bed earlier where I was lying with a warmed up wheat-bag and wallowing in self-pity, sobbing into my pillow, and went to get some milk and bread from the shop. The fresh air was of some help. But all I want is to snuggle up in bed in the arms of my beloved, where everything feels a million times better. But unfortunately she's reading a shit book which she needs to get as much done as she can for tomorrow, so I have to be patient and content myself until she's ready to settle down and come to bed. It's my own fault... she offered me cuddles for a bit earlier, and I refused through part my own stubbornness and part the fact that I just felt that when she said she needed to go and work I'd get upset about not being able to lie in her arms, so I thought it best to try and wait. Frankly... it's killing me!
So I'm sitting here, watching Arsenal on the telly (a bonus or what?!), and seeing as I haven't eaten much at all today, cooking food and then complaining it tastes horrible, I'm using the rest of my calorie count on a bottle of beer! Which is really unlike me! I never sit down and do that! I usually buy the beer and never drink it, so I thought I'd take advantage today. Well, that and hoping that the alcohol will help numb the pain! I can hope!
What have I been up to then? Well, not much really. Cleaning the flat which I felt wasn't up to our usual clean standards. Plus, I'd been to collect our new dinner set during the day yesterday, so that needed washing and putting away anyway, so it was a good excuse to clean the house! I've also done a shit load of washing, as my high maintenance femme is running out of tops and underwear to wear, and the baskets were a bit full from the weekend away, so I've made headway on that, and it's all drying in front of the patio doors as we speak!
We went out last night to Pirate Writers and the uni... it's like an open mic thing and people sing and perform. My lady has been known to perform from time to time, but not last night as she had too much work to prepare anything. So FT and me went with a group of friends: Dora, Heather and Kim to see Kim perform. Only she didn't come on til late, and it was a cool night being out and socialising, but I think we were all knackered by the end of it! Then why is it, that when you get into bed, you;re not tired anymore and could sit up all night chatting and doing other things rather than sleeping?! Well, we got into bed and I was rambling on about when I was at school and telling my lady a load of things he possibly didn't know, or have any interest in knowing about my adolescence, and in the end she had to tell me to shut up and try to sleep (in a much nicer way than that I have to add).
Anyway, the thing was, I got a text out of the blue from an old school friend, Vanessa, last night and she's coming up to Sheffield for work in a couple of weeks time, and wants to meet up on the Thursday night for a drink and to see some of Sheffield. Anyway, I'm well excited as we haven't caught up properly for ages, and I was well chuffed that she thought to text me. I cannot tell you how much I'm looking forward to her meeting my lady! She knows all about us and that we live together and stuff, but they've never met... I can't wait to show her off! It's all big steps for me, my friends meeting the love of my life!
Didn't want to get up today, but crawled out of bed just after 9am to take my lady to her seminar. And later on I sat in on one of her lectures (which was mega boring) to read a Karin Slaughter book... far more exciting than that silly twat lecturing! Anyway, after that my lady took me for lunch, which I absolutely love! Call me weird if you like, but I love doing stuff like meeting each other for lunch... I think it's romantic!
Later on, after collecting my lady from her last lecture of the day, I less than enthusiastically got roped into going swimming, even though I really didn't feel like it! It was the 'it's something we can do together' comment that had me get in that pool despite the fact I've felt chilly all day! And then, in my stubborn butch pride, I insisted on beating my lady to every length we swam... only the water was that feckin cold I was having difficulty breathing, and having choked on some water on my second length, I needed my inhaler. Yet like a stupid proud twat I carried on swimming until my lady ushered me out of the pool to get it. All in all after that it was a fun swim, us pratting about in the pool! She's incredibly sexy in her bikini, and how I manage to keep my hands off her I'll never know! Well, I don't manage, cos inevitably we end up sharing a shower afterwards and I can't contain myself then... and today was no different! Only we had to bloody rush cos she had a reader coming, so we left the pool under the notion of continuing where we left off later tonight. Well that was before she started reading this bastard book, which is a turn off in its own right, and before I had a baby elephant sitting on my uterus... so don't hold out much hope for the continuation! Fuck it!
The results are in and Arsenal have won! Oh YES!!!!! Bring it on! So on that happy note, I'm off to finish my beer!

Music & Magic in Manchester!

Well, having previously been a bit disillusioned with my livejournal. After this past weekend, there is no way on this beautiful planet that I can't do anything but bring myself to post in my journal, because resent amazing events cannot be omitted from a journal of my daily life!
Myself and the beautiful FT, who I have the pleasure and privilege of sharing a life with, had a reasonable lie in on the morning of Friday 17th of February. Which was very much needed after a manic week! Then we set about packing a suitcase (which was mammoth considering we were only going to be away for two nights! Well, my lady is a femme, and as such, it’s genetically impossible to pack lightly. … Well OK then, so perhaps majority of the stuff, clothes at least, were mine, but that’s just because I really really really wanted to look my best and make a good impression this weekend. I wanted to feel equally as amazing as the woman on my arm, hence the never ending supply of outfits in the case. Mind you, not that I can ever testify to looking half as gorgeous as my lady, but I wanted to go prepared.
We ordered a cab for the station and before long, were waving goodbye to our luxury pad (which was reasonably clean and somewhat more empty than usual) and off for our eagerly anticipated weekend away. I must say, for us, the train journey and the getting of tickets etc was very smooth running. Having once knocked over a huge metal sign right in front of a copper in our haste to Catch a train which we’d have been better off missing anyway. So it was lovely to amble into the station and catch the train at leisure. And I must say, the journey itself was extremely pleasant and romantic. We both had seats, and there was lots of leg room, and it was hardly packed. And there was even a trolley service, so we were able to have a nice cuppa and relax! And the train was more pleasant smelling than any I’ve been on in a while! So we sat there, soppily glancing at each other romantically the whole journey listening to songs on my iPod. Well, it was all peace until Nobby the Knob got on the train at Stockport and proceeded repeatedly play every ringtone on his ancient mobile phone all the way through in turn. With a headache beckoning, we were both thankful when the train arrived in Manchester Piccadilly not long later, for more than the reason of just escaping that prat, who frankly should have known better for a grown middle-aged man!
After a short walk, we were at the hotel in no time at all, considering I missed it when we walked past it the first time! And after navigating a group of middle-aged Irish men, who were suspiciously paying for their rooms in advance in cash, we had checked in and were on the way to our room! It was a lovely amazing room, big and comfy, with a double bed, sofa, TV, big window, tea and coffee making facilities, and a Jacuzzi!!!!! Oh WOW! We barely had time to get in and explore the room and have a quick cup of tea than it was time to get ready to go out to get some food and to the Kelly Clarkson concert!
Now the concert itself: I didn’t really know what to expect from it. As at 23, I feel as though I should be a bit past the extreme excited childhood can’t contain myself type thing. So, I was looking forward to it, but not wanting to seem too enthusiastic for not wanting to look like a complete prat. And I was muchly miffed at having to hang about outside in a queue for an hour as the time on the ticket apparently states the time the doors open and not the time at which the performance starts… since when?! So I stood there in the queue close to and chatting to my gorgeous lady. Who I must say, looked extremely hot. Half the time I was standing there staring at her with a huge grin on my face, at how wonderful it felt to be out, just us, doing something different and special. And she just had this completely radiant glow about her which lit up the darkened streets and captivated every corner of my imagination. Somehow, I just didn’t notice how bloody cold it actually was outside, and before long we were going through the doors and into the Apollo. And I didn’t even notice how long we were waiting for the supporting act (The Faders) who were actually really good, to come on stage. We sat there, holding hands the whole way through, it was amazing. Then, before we knew it, Kelly Clarkson was on stage, and everyone was on their feat. Now I have to say one thing… if there is anyone out there who thinks Kelly Clarkson can’t sing live, then you’re talking out of your arse! Pardon me! She was out of this world fucking amazing! There was none of this faffing around you get at concerts targeted at the younger generations, and all respect to the woman, she was on stage, giving it large for like an hour and a half! There was very little in the way of ponsing about costume changing, it was a musical marvel and was lyrically brilliant! To come out more than three quarters of the way through the set and stand there and sing a slowed down version of ‘Beautiful Disaster’, with no instrumental accompaniment whatsoever, to hit every note after jumping about on stage and bellowing hits out all night takes some balls, and it was fucking amazing! Kelly Clarkson is a legend and has my utmost respect! So I’m advising anyone who even half listens to me to go and see this woman live… you won’t be disappointed!!! This is coming from me, the 23 year old, who hasn’t been to a concert like that since a Steps concert which I attended before 2002. Well, that’s a lie, as I did go to a Jill Scott concert with my lady last year, which was good, but I had no idea who Jill Scott was, and was too overwhelmed by meeting her best friend Baby G for the first time that I didn’t want to make a complete arse of myself! Yet, there was something about Kelly Clarkson and that motherfucking amazing performance which had me on my feet, dancing and singing, I can’t remember feeling excited about anything like that for I can’t remember how long! Shit… I sound old now! It was amazing, standing there, with my lady at my side, and watching her from time to time, and all I could think was how lucky I am in life, and how beautiful and special my lady is. I stood there watching her all throughout ‘because of you’ (which I know to be one of her favourite songs), just watching her. Smiling and singing and dancing, and just glowing the most beautiful incredible way ever. I honestly felt the luckiest woman in the world to be there then, and to be in her life!
After the concert we made our way back to the hotel, arm in arm and raving about what an amazing night we were having. It wasn’t that late when we ended up back in our luxury suite (yes, it was luxury… she’s amazing is my lady!). And it wasn’t long before we were ripping each others clothes off (and my lady breaking my new thong which I’d bought for the weekend – wasn’t her fault though, I mean, if it’s gonna break, you rather it happen in the heights of passion rather than in the washing machine). We then made the most (and I mean absolute most) of the Jacuzzi! Using it to its fullest potential. Well, too incredibly randy lesbians in a Jacuzzi, what do you expect?! , And then we just lay there for what seemed like ages, just chatting, in each others arms, all wet and crinkly until the water got cold and we started to get cold. We then dried off and lay in bed, with me reading Harry Potter to FT, however, it seemed the activity of the day and night was too much to handle, and she started dozing off just as the chapter started to get good! (Damn blast and fuck!)
I didn’t sleep particularly well, dunno what it was really, I think a bit of missing our bed es, and being in a different place. So I was still a bit whacked when it was time to get up the next morning. I just lay there, in my lady’s arms, the safest place in the world and could quite happily have done so for the rest of the day. But we both wanted to wander and see what Manchester had to offer, so we were fairly disciplined and headed off to explore the city! We walked and shopped for hours! And didn’t buy that much, but had an amazing time, just wandering and exploring and just being with each other! And to be honest, there was far too much to explore in a single day, but we gave it a damn good try! We did buy a couple of things though. I bought FT a pair of very sexy black stockings to replace her other ones, of which she has lost one. And she bought me a couple of thongs, to replace the one that got broke the night previous. I know I’m gonna sound like a right freak now, but I can’t tell you how amazing it was that she wanted to buy me underwear. Maybe I’m weird, but it made me feel incredibly special, like it was something she wanted to see me in. And I don’t mean to imply that she never takes and interest in what I wear, which is completely the opposite, but it just made me feel special, that’s all. We couldn’t have wished for better weather as it was sunny and what felt like the warmest day of the year! It was lovely! We got Starbuck’s and sat outside by a fountain drinking it and listening to a band play instruments and sing. It was amazing. It was like one of those romantic films where there’s a montage of romantic scenes of a couple throughout a period of time whilst a song is playing. It was just like that. And I never thought moments like that ever happened, only in the movies! How wrong I was… it was magical!
After hours of ambling around, we were both pretty knackered, and headed back to the hotel, hand in hand to have a rest and regain some of our strength for the evening. Hmm, like that was going to happen with me reading lesbian erotica to her! I don’t know about regaining strength as we ended up, as we always do given half the chance, having mad passionate sex, on an incredibly noisy bed, but to hell with it! It was much needed! I know it’s a reoccurring theme of my journal entries, but I can’t believe just how amazing the connection between us is, and it really truly gets deeper and stronger. Anyone out there who has found their soulmate will know exactly how I feel, I’m not a complete freak, honest! I worship the ground this woman walks on, and I want the whole world to know how amazing our life is and just how much in love we are! I was completely in awe, and I’ve never felt so overcome as I did yesterday afternoon, I just didn’t know what to do! I lay there, in FT’s arms, and emotion and feeling just completely overwhelmed me, and I couldn’t stop floods of ecstatic happy tears from flooding. I can’t explain how I feel, and believe me, I’ve tried! And the more I try, the more emotional I get, and the more I cry! I went from crying to literally running and jumping around our suite, and I just wanted to scream from the top of my lungs till I had no breath left ‘I fucking love this woman, and I’m happier than ever thought possible! I want to spend the rest of my life with this woman!’ But I had to be reserved as I didn’t want to be kicked out of the hotel… but that was the only thing I was able to restrain myself with!
Before I knew it, she was shaking me back to my senses and ushering my into the shower so we could get out to eat!So all showered and dressed, we headed off to China Town for some food. And almost as if to top off the perfect weekend we found this amazing Chinese restaurant, which, had we been in Sheffield, would have given Tim Po a run for its money, but it is definitely where we’re heading when we go back to Manchester! From there, after a gutful and a half of Chinese, we headed off to Canal Street for a bit of culture. Now I know this might sound strange, but although I was a bit nervous as I’ve never really done the gay scene before, at least not away from uni, but I was well excited and up for it. Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for there being equality and open-mindedness and the opportunity for people to be who they are rather than what society expects, but it is really cool to have a gay scene where you’re not gonna be started at for holding hands, looking longingly at, and snogging the face off the love of your life, who just happens to be another woman! In a respect, I find myself evolving as a person on a daily basis. Firstly because this serious relationship and commitment thing is new to me, and as that grows and evolves, so do I, but also in the sense of my sexuality and within the gay community. I’m probably gonna sound like a right fool here, but when me and FT got together, it was like, I knew I was gay, and stuff, but there was something about our relationship which made that the sole focus of everything, and I can lay my hand on my heart and say that I didn’t consciously sit there and think ‘I’m in love with a woman’ and as far as my emergence into the gay community goes, I emerged, and continue to do so, at the rate of our relationship, and there is a certain coming to terms with your own sexuality before you feel comfortable doing that. I chickened out on pride and YLAF last year, not because I didn’t want to go, but because I got scared and didn’t know what was expected of me. But then, I had known I was gay for less than a year. That all feels different now. There’s a phrase from ‘To Kill a Mockingbird’ which says something like you can’t really see things from another man’s point if view until you step inside his skin and walk around in it. So I don’t expect everyone to know what I’m getting at with this point, but it’s like as an adaptation of that comment, I’ve finally got comfortable with walking around in my own skin, rather than the one that society thinks I should walk around in. I just feel at a point in my life now, where I’m emotionally, physically, and financially in a situation where I say to hell with anyone else and what they think. I have the love and support of my mum, so if the family disown me cos I’m gay, so what? She’ll always be there. And that helps cos she is being so so so supportive of my life with FT. She’s brilliant with us and I could never have wished for any better. And The love and support of my precious lady, which keeps me sane and keeps my feet on the ground, and picks me up when I feel down, all at the same time.
So, aside from that HUGE digression, what I’m trying to say, in terms loud and clear for everyone to hear, is that I loved trailing the gay scene of Canal Street, and I was so proud to have the most amazing, gorgeous, special woman on my arm! I felt so in love, and loved, and blissful, and happy! And I can’t begin to explain how proud I am to be gay and be the woman that FT wants to be with! She knows I’m devoted to her and I couldn’t be happier than she makes me! I just hope I make her feel the same! I’ll quite happily die trying… she knows that!So after spending a good while in a couple of groovy bars, taking ages over our drinks as we were so full, we decided to head back to the hotel and cuddle up, as we were far too full to manage much else!We went back to the hotel, and had a lovely romantic evening, of naked cuddles, listening to music and passionate sensual sex, just chatting and being with each other. After a good while, we decided to get some sleep, and cuddled up together in bed, with FT spooning me, and I felt more complete than I have ever done in my entire life! I drifted off to sleep feeling special and loved… it was pure bliss!I didn’t want to wake up today and catch the train home! I can’t wait for the next special weekend!
So, for my darling FT. The one and only love of my life. My Soulmate. My best friend. My life. My lover. My everything. Thank you sooooooo much for the most amazing weekend I have ever had in my entire life! I have never felt to loved, and so special as how you make me feel. I treasure you my darling! I love you with all my heart, in this life and the next.
Infanam sweetheart xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Photo

Tags

Hmmm, it would appear I've been tagged! And there was me intending to not post in my journal for a few days, as, let's face it, it's not very interesting reading anyway! However, it seems that the only person other than myself to read my journal (my beloved), has tagged me... so just like with most things in my life, I can't resist a challenge... So here goes:

Four movies you would watch over and over:
Notting Hill (although haven't watched in a while, it's one of those all-time classics)
Elf (essential if you need cheering up!)
Top Gun (and I can't believe how old that film is now!)
Lord of the Rings... all three of them!

Four places you have lived:
London - for better or worse, the place I'm from
Sheffield - currently residing in my third place here, with my beloved lady! And by far the best place in the world!
Nowhere else so far... but am willing to go wherever life takes me to be with my beloved.

Four tv shows you love to watch:
CSI - any of the series, but the original is the best!!!
The L-word - what lesbian wouldn't?! It's essential! And the UK need to get their arses into gear and release series 2 on DVD!
Friends - Oh come one! An oldie but a definite goodie!
Lost - is that programme addictive or what?!

Four places you have been on vacation:
New Zealand - travelling a lot of south and north islands! That place is magical, and bliss... no language barrier, and yet, so full of culture!
Cyprus - THE best holiday of my life, as I got to spend it with my lady, who looked extremely sexy in the sun and a gorgeous bikini!
Holland - spent two 3-week periods there when I was 9/10, and it was like a second home to me... would love to go there again!
Boston/Vermont, America - spent 10 days attempting to ski on a school trip! Wish I had chance to explore more though!

Four websites you visit dailyMy journal - at least in the hope that someone has left a comment
My beloved's journal, which is far more amazing and popular than mine!http://www.quins.co.uk/default.ink - Harlequins Rugby League Website... I used to be a season ticket holder back in the day of the broncos, and miss it now I'm not residing in London! The thing I miss most behind my mittens.
Google as there is always something I want to look up!

Four of your favourite foods:
Chinese - foo yung, sweet and sour, chicken in cashew nuts... you name it!
Indian
Italian
Mmmmm... Kebab!!!! (not allowed on the diet though)!

Four places you would rather be right now:
In bed with my lady, snuggled up in her arms.
In a chinese restaurant having something NOT SPICY to eat!
In Australia.... I really wanna go!!!!
Anywhere... I don't care where it is as long as I'm with my lady!

Three bloggers you are tagging:
No one, I don't have any others to tag! Aren't I sad?!

And secondly:
Five weird things about youEverything about me is weird... so this is gonna be hard to define!
1. I have extremely weird bowel movements, and wouldn't know what 'regular' was if it jumped up and bit me on the arse.
2. I have to eat pears so under ripe that you can barely bite into them, any softer and they make me feel sick.
3. I love eating the skin of kiwi fruits... it's better than the insides!
4. Whenever I'm apart from my lady, I always kiss the ring and necklace she has given me before going to sleep, and always say 'goodnight' to her out loud.
5. I have to have my shoelaces tied to the exact same tightness, if they don't match in feeling in my left and right feet, then I have to re-tie one or both of them, and this process can take ages to get right!
Same as before really... I'm not tagging anyone, as I don't know who to tag. But if by any remote chance someone reads this and wants to answer, then feel free, and tag someone else... it's good to keep it going!!

Dreams

I'm not feeling myself today. Dunno what's wrong with me really. There never is really any sense to the way I feel from time to time, probably like now. I feel all over the place at the minute, and there's loads of reasons I can attribute to that. Family life at home is completely shit at the moment. My Mum hasn't spoken to my Nan (her Mum) since November, and it makes for a difficult life as most of my aunts and uncles either reside at my Nan's or are up there all the time. In fairness, and I'm not going into detail about the fall out, but my Mum is 100% in the right, and my Nan is in the wrong. But then, if I'm honest, I don't know where that makes me stand. I'm torn between wanting my family to be like it was when I was a kid, and standing up for what I believe is right and wrong. I just want everything to be OK, and there is nothing I can do to fix it. I dunno if it makes it better or worse me being up here in a different city to be honest. Yes, I don't have to deal with it day to day. But I can't help feeling out of the loop and the forgotten grandchild! You'd think wouldn't you, that as she's fallen out with my Mum, that she'd make the effort to make me feel as though nothing's changed. Let's face it... this has nothing to do with me! I could understand it if it was! But nope... I rang my Nan on new year's day, and she hasn't bothered to call me ever since! I'm supposed to make the effort all the time?You see, my uncle (if you can call him that, cos he's the biggest prick a going, and he may be related to me, but he's no uncle of mine, for the way he treated my step-cousin (Chesney) who now lives with my parents), he's had another son, a toddler now. And it seems to the world, that no other family member matters! You see, my Nan has 4 grandkids, including Chesney (who has always been brought up as her own). Yet the baby is the only one that matters so it seems. I know I should think better of the situation at my age, but I've been brought up in a really close family environment from the age dot and it's all shattered around me. Now, my immediate family is my GF, my mum, dad and Chesney. And then my Dad's Mum. Beyond that, everyone else just seems like a complete extended family who you hardly ever hear from. And my family has never been like that!
I suppose it's really getting to me at the minute. It's a shit time of year with it all too. What with Christmas just gone, and it's my aunt's birthday today (she lives with my Nan), and then my Mum's birthday next weekend. I hate all this shit. I have to go home next weekend, and it's really hard going home with all this going on. Nothing feels normal there anymore. And the worst thing of all about it is that my Mum's wants me to go alone cos she wants to spend some quality time with me. Which is fair enough, as you can hardly call my dad and adult or sensible conversation, and with Chesney (who is 11, she doesn't get any quality time). So none of us can begrudge her a day and night's quality time with her only daughter. But I find it really hard, cos I know despite what she says, this shit with my Nan does get to her, and it's hard cos we don't go up there and do stuff like we used to. It messes with my head, and really upsets me, but I don't say anything, cos everyone has their own issues to deal with. The one person in the world who makes things a million times better and I can talk to about anything, and who I feel completely and utterly loved by is gonna be home here and I have to cope on my own without her. I know it's not her responsibility to be there for me all the time, and I'm selfish, but at the minute in particular, I can't bare the thought of being without her.I've been having shit dreams as well, which proves it's all playing on my mind!
The other night I couldn't get to sleep, and all I could think about was sleeping without my lady next weekend. Then, just last night, I had some random non-sense dream about my Nan. I dreamt she and my Mum had made up after their feud and things were all hunky dory again. I can't really remember what happened next, but then I ended up starting some mammoth feud with my Nan, and so I still wasn't talking to her, and things were back to the way they are now, all cos I didn't agree with my Mum letting the feud go. I hate being torn between a matter of feeling and a matter of morals and principle. It just feels like I'm pulling in two. I don't know what happened in the dream... fortunately, I was woken up by something, to find my lady in the bed next to me, and I felt like I had my life back again, and all I've ever wanted was right there next to me, and nothing else matters.I'm just feeling completely threatened at the minute.
I don't know what's wrong with me. I feel like whatever part I played in my family before is completely different to now. I know I'm my mother's daughter, but as far as the bigger aspect of the family goes (my mum's side at least), I can't help feeling the forgotten and un-needed element. And to be honest, I don't think I'm being hyper-sensitive about it all, cos I don't with my dad's side of the family. Thank god for them is all I say, or I really would be going insane. I can't understand or justify why it happens. Or is happening. And I think it's rubbing off on everything including my life up here. I just feel as though I'm not good enough to be part of them. The sun shines out the arse of my fucking arsehole of an uncle's arse, and that's all that matters. Doesn't matter that he's a complete tosser, and is only around when he wants something. So yeah. I'm angry that me and my mum, who would, and have, bent over backwards for years, fall less of favour for that wanker who has bailiffs turn up on her door and screw her for every penny she's got... but that's OK, cos he's the prodigal son, and his son will carry on the family name and honour! So yeah. I'm angry and pissed off at the way we're being treated, and upset. Frankly, it's not how I was brought up to view families, and nor is it something I ever want to put my kids through. And I'm angry and upset that my Nan is so fucking stupid and pig minded to see what a shit situation this is! And it fucks with my head, cos I'm at my wits end with it all, and if one more thing goes tits up, or makes me feel like I'm of no use to the people I love, then I really do think I'll crack up.
I just can't cope. I just want to feel loved!I'm an adult, I should be able to deal with this, but I'm too much of a fucking idealist, and it gets to me!Fucking life! They don't tell you when you're born that it's going to be so bloody difficult from time to time!
I just need a hug and to be held! I think my lady's getting pissed off with my need for cuddles! But it's not my fault she makes everything so much better!

My Own Stupid Stupidity!

Hmmm, well, to be completely honest, I can't remember where I ended my last journal entry, so I'll just ramble on with my thoughts as they come... not that any are of any real interest anyway, but alas, it's my journal, so I'll do what I want with it!
Erm, we went out into town yesterday. Had to go shopping to buy a present for Kim for her 21str Birthday, and me and my lady decided we were gonna go fifty fifty and get her something nice for her 21st. We didn;t have as much difficulty finding something as I think we both thought we would. We ended up getting a really cool silver necklace, and a lickle silver clock shaped like a champagne bottle. So that was really cool... we were both pleased with our purchases! Aside from the birthday presents, I decided it was finally time to dig deep and buy a pair of hair straighteners. See the trouble with me is this. My hair is OK as far as hair goes... but I'm never particularly impressed with it at all to be honest. It's in desperate need of a cut! As I have this super thick hair which needs thinning out much more frequently than I have the inclination to do it! Also, when I say thinning out, what I really mean is chopping more off than the hair left on my head, just so it sits like a normal persons hair! Needless to say, I haven't had it cut for a while, and need to get it done desperately! So I'm making an appointment tomorrow! But I never think I look nice anyway, so not that it really matters! Secondly, my issue with the hair, is that I'm not the particularly overly femme type, and so putting a pair of straigtners in front of me is like .... 'what do I do with these then?!' I'm completely out of my depth! Needless to say, I didn't straighten my lady's hair until I was sure I wasn't going to burn it off completely! I'm not ready to die just yet!!!So then we departed to Kim's birthday meal at our favourite chinese restaurant. As usual, we were the last to turn up, and I was a little aprehensive... who wouldn't be, meeting your girlfriend's ex-girlfriend's friends... not exactly expecting to feel part of the crowd. It was a nice evening though. And I wasn't as much a social recluse as I thought I might be. The meal was cool, although I was extremely pissed off at my own stupidity, as in my infinate arsehole wisdom, I decided to have the chicken in cashew nuts in kung po sauce, which is like a chilli sauce. Why you ask? I've no fucking idea! I should of had just normal chicken in cashew nuts, as I soon discovered! As the kung po one was lovely... but just too fucking hot! What a knob I was!And with this poxy diet, fuck knows how long I'm gonna have to wait before I can justify going there again for a meal! I've learnt my lesson now though!Other than that, I've been begging my lady to let me read for her... and have managed to score a good few chapters of Harry Potter! So that makes me happy!On that note, I'm off to listen to a CD or two...

Weirdly Weary But Wickedly Randy...

Hahaha... it's been a few days since I updated my journal. For no other reason than the fact that I have either been too busy to update it, or too tired! I've either spent most of my days shopping, or cleaning, or being lazy! Although today, I did go out with Doofus this morning, as she had an exam, and we met up after it for a drink! That suited me fine, as it was cool to get out of the house. I did opt for a bit of shopping though... a quick trip to pulse and cocktails to buy a necessary essential ;). Was supposed to go swimming earlier, only apparently (so I'm told), the sight of me in my swimming costume was far to much for my lady to handle, and she ended up jumping on me (quite literally), and we ended up swimming not in a pool, but in a bed of mad passionate sex! It was amazing! Much more rewarding than a trip to the swimming pool, which is far too public to do anything exciting in! (more's the pity). Hahaha.
So now I'm updating my iPod with the last of my CDs, whilst chatting to my lady's dad on MSN, giving him a tutorial on downloading the latest version, and waiting for my lady to get ready to go to the cinema. As we're FINALLY going to see Brokeback Mountain... which we both have wanted to see! She's just come out modelling a sexy thong she's wearing... so three gueses where my mind's gonna be all night?!!! Hmmmm, I can't wait to get back home!

Romance On My Mind...

I've had a crazy day today to be honest. And I don't know where it has gone! FT and I were up until 2:30am this morning, as we had our friend Doofus round to stay cos she needed cheering up, so we ended up somehow awake into the early hours chatting and chuckling about random things. It was great! Although I think me and FT were well knackered by the end, as we've been on the go, pretty much solid for a whole week now!
I departed this morning into the depths of chilly town to do some shopping, after dropping Doofus off at the library on the way. I was supposed to be meeting our friend D at somepoint for a drink or a coffee, but she text me saying she wasn't feeling too well, so I thought 'bugger this chilliness for a game of soldiers' and hopped back in the car to head to the local shopping mall for warmer territory!
I was on a complete mission today. I was first searching for the perfect valentine's present for my lady, and ended up only getting her a card so far, and a birthday card for my mum. But then I decided that as we have the house to ourselves for the first time in ages, I was gonna plan a romantic evening and spoil her rotten! Especially seeing as my planned romantic massage last week didn't happen. So I thought I'd seize the opportunity tonight!
FT went round her friend LB's house, so I had it all planned. I cleaned, and changed the bedding to our new suede stuff, and bought candles and roses and so forth. I sprinkled rose petals on the bedding, and placed roses on the pillows. Littered the room with candles for that extra romantic feel. I updated my iPod with a love songs playlist and set that up in the bedroom using my lady's docking station, so we can have some romantic music. And I put a bottle of champagne to chill in the fridge.Then I set to organising the table for a romantic meal, and preparing the food... marinading the chicken for the stir fry and preparing a gorgeous fruit salad for pudding.
I even had a shower and got dressed in my smart clothes to try and make the evening as special as possible.
Then, shortly after, my lady phoned and asked me to pick her up... soundung decidedly sexy on the phone may I add... so off I went to meet her. Armed with a rose in my hand to make my intentions of a romantic evening clear!I think she was taken aback to be honest. Hmmmm.
So now the scene is set, and after updating this, we're gonna retire to the bedroom so I can give her a much deserved massage and make her feel good and loved like never before. And settle down watching a DVD possibly, enjoying strawberries and champagne!
Ever the romantic me! I hope she enjoys it!