Wind me up and watch me go!

I'm a bit of a clockwork toy in that respect. If you wind me up enough, then I'll react! It's a sure fire piece of my anatomy, and I've had it a couple of times over the past few days!
Firstly, today I had a cold call on my mobile from a different mobile network trying to get my to sign up with them and ditch my current company. That's NOT going to happen. And in spite of me repeatedly telling the guy I was more than happy with the package and company that I am with, he continued to keep on with the 'are you sure?' question. How many times did I have to reassure him and insist that I was fine the way I was. Then it was the 'don't you want to save money' tactic. To be honest, I'm on a good deal with what I've got and it suits me down to the ground. And even if that wasn't the case, then I'd rather pay a bit extra to be with a company that bend over backwards to help you rather than one that signs you up and then isn't interested afterwards. So I insisted I was fine as I was, and no, I didn't want to save any more money that I am already doing with the package I am on. So then it was 'I can't hear you, your service is really bad, are you sure you wouldn't want to join our more reliable service?'. Well, everytime I tried to interject and say that I could hear him perfectly well, and that no one else ever has problems hearing me at that position in my house, he kept cutting in and saying 'I can;t hear you, you're breaking up'. Well hang the fucking phone up then arsehole! What a knob! It was obvious I wasn't interested. I even asked him to modify his records so that I didn't get anymore calls wasting my or their time. But no, the wanker kept on badgering me, to the point... yes. He wound me up and watched me go! I ended up telling him not to 'waste my fucking time', and hung the phone up. He hasn't rung back as yet, but I doubt they've got the message. Cold callers rarely do!
I shan't be as patient next time! So be warned arseholes!

The other 'wind me up and watch me go' comment relates to my 'jealous button' as FT and I affectionately term it. Yes, yes, shock horror, I have one HELL of a jealous button! And it doesn't take much at all to activate it. In actual fact, it takes far less to activate it than you might think, even to the point that sometimes, I've learnt to have it activated but manage to compose myself and not react. Not sure whether it's a good thing or not to be the jealous type. I suppose in some ways it is healthy cos it lets the other person know how you feel, but sometimes it can be exceptionally bad. Fortunately I've managed to work through my jealousy problems a bit, from the extreme jealous bursts that I used to exhibit (I was a right fuckwit back then), to the more mild form, where I no longer get jealous to the point of out of control, but sometimes it is like I lose sense of my importance and it feels like the rest of the world does too and there begins a battle within myself where I don't feel good enough for the world or circumstances surrounding me, I feel as though certain people have more to offer, you can't compete with history for example, and it's then I get jealous. Obviously it's more complex than that, and a problem within myself, which I doubt that I'll ever fully cure, but it has improved, and hopefully, will continue to do so.
The thing with FT, is I tend to get jealous really easily. I see this amazing woman. Beautiful, strong, independent, outgoing, corageous and so full of life. I'm none of that, and I'm an analyst of this world. It's the scientist in me. And it sees me looking at her, and how she reacts to other people and the world around her, and sometimes I just feel as though I hold her back. Or other people have so much more to offer her than I do. The way she smiles when she hears from someone she hasn't seen for a while for example. Because of the way I perceive myself, and the fact that I'm never there to see her face when she hears from me for the first time in a while, I wonder whether I have the same effect. And I sometimes feels as though I can't compete with people she has a history with. I only see that I hold her back, or as though I'm not as confident or as outgoing, or as adventurous as she'd like.
Anyway, my reason for bringing it up is that FT tried to call one of her ex's yesterday, to catch up. Well, I feel a bit like this ex in particular tends to do her level best to avoid me. We've tried meeting up when we've both been in London, and it's just be a complete no go. Plus when FT was on the phone to her once and I came in, she made likely to end the conversation sharpish. Yes, I know I've been fairly jealous in the past over it all, but I wouldn't be half as bad if it wasn't completely blown out of the water when I try to make the effort. I think without that hurdle out of the way, and all the seemingly 'cloak and dagger' stuff out of the way, then I can bury this insane jealousy once and for all!
The thing is, FT loves to press my jealous button! She loves driving me insane, and she's the naturally wild, flirty type, and loves nothing more than to drive me insane with jealousy with both of us knowing exactly what's going on, but both safe in the knowledge that we're the only ones for each other. And that's the thing. I'm perfectly secure in our relationship and I know how she feels about me, but I still get crazily jealous! So my point being, is the past couple of days, she has been pressing my jealous button, and she's had her response! I didn't flip out or anything. Let's just say the jealousy tollerance at the moment is incredibly low, what with me having to go away and her only just getting back! I'm feeling very up in the air at the moment. It's too soon for me to be going away. We both agreed that. Neither of us are ready to be apart so soon just yet. I don't even want to think about the void that I feel when she's not there.

I went out with FT and Spoons this morning, watching them work. We walked right down a long main road, and stopped in Starbucks and caught a bus back to the car. It's absolutely amazing to have been able to watch their process of bonding and working together. I was there the first time they walked when they started training, and they're near the end now, and just to see the difference in them both. It's absolutely amazing! I can see now how so perfect for each other they are! The way they anticipate each other's moves and reactions and all the different complexities they face when walking that other people just take for granted. It's out of this world amazing! It's incredible just how this whole process has gone, and I consider myself so privelidged that I've got to see the working and bonding process first hand. I'm so proud of them both, and no one can take that away from me!

We've spent a couple of hours this afternoon putting FT's Africa photos into an album that I bought her. I knew she'd love it. It's brown suede and just the sort of thing I knew she'd adore. She's written this little montage for me to copy into the front of it, and she's dead proud of this photo album! She's planning on taking it home to show friends and family and everyone. I'm glad I've managed to get my head out of my arse about the whole Africa thing, and managed to help FT do something that has put such a smile on her face and made her so happy. I just feel so privelidged that I've been able to share part of it with her. It means more to me than I could explain!

At the end of my teather...

...Ah ha, but not what you might think! I woke up today, and I was about a minute short from shaving my own head with a razor! My hair was driving me insane and I only had it cut about 3 weeks ago! The length isn't too bad, just that it's really really thick, and when it gets like that there's not a thing I can do with it! So I rang the hairdressers and booked me an appointment to go and have it fixed.
I'm well pleased with it, it's just a shorter, thinner, more managable form of what it was, but it feels so much better! The thing is, inspite of what she says, I know FT thinks it's a bit short and doesn't really like it. Which is a bit gutting for me, as I have this thing about me not having the wow factor for her. I suppose it will always grow back!
The great news is that FT's new mobile phone is up and running, and on the same network as mine! I can't out into words how excited I am by it!
Also, on a slightly different note, I can't get enough of my lady right now! Everything about her just oozes, like WOW, for me! She blows me away and life couldn't be better right now! Nearly 23 months on, and we still have the most amazing sex ever! WOW. That's all I can say... WOW! And I'm rarely lost for words!

Caught the blogging bug!!

Yes, that's right my friends, this has to be like the third entry within a week, which is good for me! Not that I have much in the way to report back, more that I feel the overwhelming compulsion to write a post... so here I am.
I'm fast discovering that actually, I am still a completely emotional wreck. Everything right now just seems a bit 'too much, too soon'. At the minute I'm really caught up with the fact that I'm going away to Dorset with half of my family on Saturday, and I feel like things aren't quite back to normal here yet.
In some ways it feels like FT and I have spent loads of time together since she got back. And we have. We've been together pretty much every day as I'm not working at the moment, but in other ways it feels like it's not been long enough. We're just getting back to some form of normality, and I'm going away for a week to fuck it up!
Well, that's how it feels! Truth is, I never wanted to go away because I didn't want to be away from FT for a week. The words 'yes I'm definetely coming' never actually left my lips. Yes, you can argue that I didn't have the balls to turn round and say I wasn't coming. I didn't want to upset my mum. And she has enough rejection on her plate with my Nan and Aunt being arseholes and stiching her up, and although she makes out it doesn't bother her. I know different. That said, I was banking on the agency to set me up with some work for that week, and I would be off my rocker to turn down some form of work, it's not as though I'm earning a mint. Only sod's fucking law... I start on the Monday after! Now I'm stuck! I really don't want to be away from FT. And now there's beby Spoons! It's like we're a proper family. I tuck her in bed everynight and everything. I can't imagine not having her cuddles throughout the day, or how she comes to me when she wants me to toss her toys for her. I can't imagine not being able to tuck her in bed for a week! You probably think I'm stupid, and that it's 'just a dog'. But she's not... she's our little baby! As if missing just one of them isn't bad enough, I get it two fold now!
What if they don't miss me? They have each other now. It's not as though they'll be lonely. And Spoons will love and give kisses to anyone who plays with her.
I had my phone sorted out today, so that it can recieve picture messages. I really hope I get sent lots of pictures of both of them.
I'm sick of feeling torn in two. I just can't wait to get this week over and done with, and that's it then. No more!
I just feel emotionally drained, and it doesn't take much for the tears to set in! Hopefully tomorrow I'll have something a bit more positive to post!

Seductively Sexy Snogging!!!

And the reason for the title of my incredibly short post for me?
Well, there's only so much teasing a woman can take!
Tonight FT and I have had the most amazing connections. Seriously, like, the way we kiss now, is incredible. Just like the very first time. I get goosebumps. The hairs on the back of my neck stand on end. My heart pounds. It's out of this world! Like nothing I have ever experienced before, and to be honest, nearly 23 months after our first kiss, it's all that and more! The connection is so deep, I can't even put it into words!
So there we are on the sofa, having one hell of a heart melting, seductive, passionate, deliberate yet tender, amazing kiss, and the phone rings.
Neither of us move, we carry on as if it wasn't ringing. Completely lost in each other. It was incredible. Then the answer phone kicks in, and we find out it's FT's best friend Baby G, who was ringing back as requested. The next thing I know, she leaves me with this lingering kiss, hops off my lap and answers the phone! Looking all mischevious, knowing full well how consumed I was by that moment!

Oi Mrs... don't you know it's rude to leave your girlfriend hanging?!

Autopilot & Heart to Hearts

OK, this isn't going to be a post of what I've been up to this week. More of a where my head is at.
I know it sounds crazy, but it's like I've reached a point now where I'm like 'what the fuck? Where the hell have I been, and what the hell am I doing?'
I got to a point earlier this week, when I almost felt like I 'woke up'. And that's probably about the best analogy I can use. I was speeking to my friend Doofus last night, and she say I was purely and simply on autopilot, and have been for a while. And this was pretty much what I concluded earlier in the week.
I don't want to give the impression that things between FT and me ar bad, or have been bad. It's quite the opposite in fact, things are good and have never been better. But somewhere along the line, we've both adopted, without realising it, the self preservation approach and haven't been communicating in quite the same way as before.
See, now I've made it sound like we don't talk and stuff, which is utter crap, because we do. From the kind of situation that most couples would be at the peak of their relationship. But that's not us. We've always been deeper than that. Able to trust each other with our deepest thoughts and feelings, only recently, we don't quite go as deep as we used to.

I completely had a cork up my arse about realising that was evening happening until Thursday night.
We went out to a local pub quiz. Just us, we left Spoons at home. It was an amazing night. Nowhere else to be. No distractions. No need to rush home. Just us, spending some proper quality time together. It was out of this world! We spent most of the night just staring at each other, and laughing to the point of being in agony with stomach cramps. I think there and then I saw a light in both of our eyes, and I realised then just hom much I'd shut myself down. Not just while FT was in Africa, but before that. And there and then I hated feeling shut down. I hated knowing that by me shutting myself down and my feelings out, even from myself to a certain extent, has caused things to spiral to where we are now. As I've said, it's not like we're bad, or we don't talk. But it's almost as though we both retreated to that whole not wanting to say too much to upset or put the other person off, like you get when you first start seeing someone. And that's not us.
The bottom line is, I didn't know how to cope with FT going to Africa, and my answer was to shut down and pretend it wasn't happening. Consequently, I pushed FT away. I left her with no option but to shut down too. And that left me feeling more and more left out. Something neither of us intentionally wanted, but the way I was handling things didn't leave much option.

Last night, we had a bit of a heart to heart. Finally opening up about things that both of us had shut each other out over. Not one of these ultimatum heart to hearts... as I said, it wasn't that bad. But it was an important start in opening up again. We talked for ages. About everything. How we were feeling before she went. How we were both feeling while she was away. And how we both feel now, and just everything!
The thing I'm finding the most difficult right now is just how much I've alienated myself from the whole thing. And I'm trying to come to terms that hating myself for it all isn't going to help in the slightest. It isn't going to encourage either of us to open up, and it isn't going to make me feel included, just even more excluded. I'm almost too good at casting myself as the victim or the bad guy, and I'm never quick enough to step up to the plate and move on.
So now I've finally stepped outside the well of self pity, so hopefully now I won't drown. So now I'm trying my hardest to get my head sorted to the point of stopping the stupid looks and comments regarding anything to do with Africa. I'm making progress! Slowly but surely, I'm making progress...

A Week of Ups and Downs!

Well, let's face it, this life wouldn't be mine if I couldn't find some way or another to fuck it all up!
A few things have happened this week, some good and some not so good, so for better or worse, I'll just shoot and recount them as they pop into my head!

OK, come on, the week started of fairly shit, with me getting virtually no sleep Sunday night. My mum has this routine of going out of her way to pick my Aunt Christine up from work on a Sunday and driving her home to my Nan's (who she fell out with) house. Just so happens this week, she decides to ask Christine if she'll come down our house once a day while we're on holiday and clean the litter tray and feed the cats. That's where it went tits up as they say. Christine made 'excuses' as to why she couldn't, sounding very sheepish, without even asking when the holiday was. It was a case of 'my legs are bad', which implies she has trouble getting about etc. Bollocks! She's here there and everywhere... bingo on a Tuesday, she even went to Birmingham the other weekend.
The truth? Well, because my Nan didn't like the holiday my mum paid for an provided for her last year and cos everything didn't go her own way and cos my mum considered more people than just her, she ended up falling out with my mum. And this time, she's told Christine she's not to look after our cats when we go on holiday. I know it sounds extreme and impossible that a 54 year old woman still panders to her mother's every whim and does what she says like she's 5 years old... and unless I'd seen it with my own eyes, I probably wouldn't have believed it myself. The reason is that Christine doesn't have a job and gets like £30 odd pound a week in benefits and works one day a week on a Sunday at a shitty cab office, so anything she wants or needs extra, my Nan foots the bill for. And this entitles my Nan to have Christine do exactly what she wants, or she throws a strop and doesn't give her any money. When that happens, every month or so on average, Christine turns up on my mum's doorstep and asks to borrow some money or a pack or cigarettes etc, which she never ends up repaying. For that reason, my Mum goes out of her way to help Christine, she gave her £40 when she went to Birmingham to enjoy herself with. And every week without fail she puts at least £10 credit on her mobile phone.
So to say mum was upset she refused to look after the cats is an understatement. It wasn't the inconvenience of having to find someone else, it was the fact that her sister couldn't stand up to her mum, she'd rather jeopardise that than piss off the mother.
The upshot is, that if we couldn't get a cattery or find someone to look after the cats, then it would mean we couldn't go on holiday, and it wouldn't take a genius to work that out! Yet it didn't stop my Nan from insisting, or Christine from going along with it.
Mum's pissed off and insists this is the last time she asks her side of the family for any form of help, and she's going to stop giving Christine things and spending money on her, or picking her up from work, because it's all take take take. And it's just made the void between her and my Nan worse.
In actual fact, it's made the void between me and the rest of the family worse. It's my Nan's birthday on Sunday, and I'm that upset and pissed off at how she's being with my Mum and these latest antics, I'm just not interested. She's one of these people who can't leave it at just not talking to someone in the family, she has to go out of her way to fuck things up for them as much as she can. I'm torn completely in two ways. I've spent 22 years of my life being brought up on how important families are and how you sacrifice this and that for them and you go out of your way to help them, and now I'm in a situation when the supposed head of the family is going out of her way to alienate my part of the family in every way possible. No, she has three grandkids and one step grandkid, and she's only interested in one of them, the one that will supposedly carry the family name forward. I just can't believe the state we're in, and I don't see it getting any better. And to be honest, I'm not sure I even want it to get any better! Too much damage has been done, and there will never be no real sorrow or remorse for the hurt caused even if the opportunity did arise.
Right now, I'm ashamed that any of them are related to me, and I'm disgusted at them all, and how either none of them have a conscience, or they're too busy thinking about themselves and how they might be cut off from the senile old bat's money in some way to consider anyone else.
I'm glad I'm in Sheffield, and I'm glad I'm away from it!
I'm just not sure what the word 'family' means anymore!

A definite 'up' of my week though has to be FT and beby Spoons. They started guide dog training on Monday and went out on walks on Tuesday and Wednesday. I was lucky enough to get invited along to follow by their trainer Kev, so I feel honoured and privelidged and dead proud (like there's my girls) walking along behind them and seeing the process first hand. The exercise isn't a bad thing either! Although they didn't get out on a walk yesterday as Spoons is grounded because she would rather poo while out walking than in her special spending pen for pooing in! So it's a bit of a hiccup, but they have been out once this morning after Spoons did a little poo in the pen! They're coming back in a bit, and I know she needs another one, but I bet she'll hold it for when they're out! Little devil!

Ooh... and a HUGE 'up' was when FT's Dad took me for a ride on his motorbike! It was the first time I'd been, and it was ace!!!! I want me one of those babies!!!

We had our 22 month anniversary on Tuesday. We like to try and commemorate each month in some way or other, and this one was special because the last one was spent away from each other when FT was in Africa. So we decided to push the boat out a bit with this one. We went to a lovely American/Italian near the cinema for dinner, and then went to see a film. All of this was of course, Spoons first outing with us, and she was incredibly well behaved, like the perfect little doggie. It was a lovely evening, full of smiles and giggles and lots of laughing at the dog! And... it's only two more months until we've been seeing each other for 2 whole years!

As much as having Spoons has been a massive 'up' for me this week, it's been a bit of a 'down' too.
I'm seriously struggling with having a dog around the house. I can't believe how much work is invloved, and cos she's here forever, you can't say 'fuck it' and leave it till she goes home. It seems like there's always something to do, be it washing up her bowl, or hoovering up her hair and dusting, or hoovering the hall outside, or changing the bed or washing. I'm struggling now, and at the moment, I'm not even working! So I'm feeling tired like all of the time, and it just doesn't leave time for much else!
I'm also copping a bit of stick for being in a bit of a mood. Well I'm stressed! I'm tired. My wrist hurts (although I'm going to the doctors today). There's always some mundane chore to do on a daily basis. And I'm finding that I'm sturggling for money to the point of dipping into cash that I'd put up towards certain things, and I don't know how I'm going to replace it! I just feel like I'm struggling, and that doesn't put me in a particularly good mood. Not that it gives me the right to be grumpy, just an explanation of why I am.
Sometimes right now, it feels like the dynamics of FT and my relationship have changed a bit, and it takes some adjusting to. It just feels like we've gone from this mega affectionate, passionate couple into something a bit more subdued, and I know that having a dog is like having a baby and that has an impact on relationships, but sometimes I feel like I could be just anyone. I don't feel special anymore. Not all the time, not like before. I know FT thinks I'm just jealous of the dog and things, and I suppose I am a bit, cos she gets so much attention. But then in fairness, she gets loads of attention from me too! It's just the little things as much as the bigger picture which make me feel a bit down. Like, I know it sounds stupid, but when we'd pass each other in the room, we'd reach out and touch each other, or kiss each other. Or if one of us was in the kitchen and the other came in, we'd put our arms round each other. And we don't seem to do that so much anymore. Not like we used to, not since Spoons came along.
I make it sound like we're not afectionate anymore, which is blatantly not what I'm saying, it just feels like some of the little affectionate quarks throughout the day, that just let the other person know you're thinking about them aren't as frequent as they used to be.
I'm hoping it's just having the poochie around and her being new and things, and the fact that we're both knackered, but I'd be lying if I said that some sub-conscious part of me wasn't worried that FT has had enough, or doesn't see me how she used to.

I've got my Mum, cousin Chesney and my other Nan, Nan J coming up tonight for the weekend. It's the first time Nan J has been to Sheffield, and she's well excited bless her... and Mum's excited about seeing Spoons. That should be nice, but I'm not sure if I'm in an entertaining kinda mood... that and the fact that Nan J doesn't know about FT and I, not wanting to give her a heart attack at 86, and I really don't think I can deal with the whole 'just friends' pretence right now!

I don't know, I think this whole thing with my mum and Nan has hit me hard, especially this week.
All FT and my friends keep saying is that 'we're a proper family now' me FT and Spoons. Yet somewhere deep inside, I'm trying to redefine and understand exactly what the word 'family' really means!

Welcome to the family beby Una!!!!

Yay... that's right, the latest, and newest, and first addition to our little family has finally turned up!!! We, or should I say FT, has an 18 month old guide dog called Una... or as I affectionately term her... Spoons (not that she's particularly fond of that name just yet!). Anyway, enough of all the ramble... so I guess you wanna see her right? Well, here she is:

That's our little baby! And believe me... it is like having a baby as well! The first night she moved in we tried our hardest to get her to sleep somewhere other than our room, only she just wouldn't settle anywhere, and all we heard all night, like a pair of nervous parents, were her paws up and down on the wooden floor, like tap tap tap tap, and we kept reassuring her to go back to bed and stuff. So neither of us got much in the way of sleep, and were pretty tired yesterday! So last night, we decided that we'd move her bed into our room, but as close to the door as possible, cos at least if she got up for a wander, we have carpet in our bedroom, so we wouldn't hear tap tap tap. And it seemed to work much much better!

As for life right now, I have an amazing woman by my side, and the cutest lickle puppy in the world, and everyone keeps saying and it really does feel like we're a proper family! I'm loving every single second of it! And things really couldn't be better!

Resolutions And All That Crap!

Well, you might have known it would be too good to be true for me to post in here regularly! The crap thing is, for a while, I have had the time to do it, but one way or another I've been trying to run away from all that's been going on in my head, so I'vre avoided my blog since the plague since my last post!
To say this has been just about the worst and hardest month of my life, would be a complete understatement, and doing anything which has made me think about anything that's been going on has been a complete and utter no no. Don't get me wrong, I know I can't run away and that it's a hypothetical idealistic thing, but it's the only way I've been able to cope.
I knew being away from FT for a month would be impossible. But that said, I can't quite believe just how hard it was. It was worse than I could ever imagine. And the worst bit now I'm out the other side? I kinda got a bit rail-roaded into agreeing to go on holiday with my family at the end of August, and spent ages hoping for some 'work committment' to provide the perfect excuse to cry it off. That hasn't happened, and I just can't bear to think about the thought of going away and leaving FT, albeit for only a week, but I just want to cry. I'm fed up with the whole 'it'll be alright' comments and 'it's only a week'. I know that's logically true, but that said, right now, I'm in no mental state of mind to deal with it. I just don't know what to do! Sometimes I just wish the ground would swallow me whole!

So I'm finally sleeping again after a month of shitty sleeps and constantly waking up. The bags under my eyes were phenomenal! And in the early days, it was all my friend Doofus could do to get me to go to bed at all! Later as the month progressed, exhaustion set in and I felt tired enough to go to bed, but still was unable to sleep properly!
I won't bore anyone with going through the whole month day by day, which was how I took it, cos that would make for suicidal reading, but I'll add in a few things which stick out as particularly happy or hard moments from the past month. Hopefully you won't fall asleep!
So as for the day by day comment I just made, I fast got into the habbit of crossing off each day on our calendar here in the flat. Crossing it off the next morning that is, after I survived the night on my own. Only about two weeks into the month, I went down to London to visit my parents when my work up here dried up, so I could earn some money and be fed (as everyone was worried about how someone could live on chicken burgers alone for a month). One problem with that being, that I left our calendar here, and so couldn't cross the days off. And I found that harder than I thought I would! That said, being at the parents house was good. Mu mum was an absolute blessing. Always suggesting things to keep me busy, and making sure I was properly fed etc. I think she could see how hard I was finding it. It was nice to feel like I had some support to be honest.
Prior to defecting to London, I was working for a week here in Sheffield, and in the evenings for the first few days I had Doofus around to keep kme sane, and give me a hug if I looked like I was about to burst into tears. To be honest, she was an absolute god send! The Sunday I left FT at Manchester airport was the day that Doofus arrived. It was pissing it down with rain. One hell of a storm, and I was just wandering around aimlessly in the rain, getting soaked and balling my eyes out. I was an absolute mess. So I headed down to the station to meet her, a complete drownded state. Soaked through, with big red eyes, and I only needed someone to look at me and I just burst into tears! So she got off the train and ran up to me on the platform and gave me a big hug and asked if I was alright. To which I responded by shrugging my shoulders with a lump in my throat, and then hundreds of tears streaming down my face. It all started from there. I think from that point on there wasn't a single day that I didn't shed a tear. If it wasn't something throughout the day sparking me off, it was crying myself to sleep at night.
We made our way back to the car at the station (and I'd parked where I wasn't supposed to, but I was in a couldn't give a shit mood), when my mobile rang. I answered it, and it was FT, telling me she'd got to Frankfurt via her first flight safe and sound. We were on the phone for a good few minutes, and I was smiling again. Then when she had to go I erupted into floods of tears again in the car. I knew then that this was the start of the hardest part. Having to wait until FT was able to call, and not being able to speak to her whenever I needed to hear her voice, and at that point in time, it was all too much to handle!
At getting on for 2 in the morning, Doofus suggested we go to bed. That we did, and after listening to FT singing on my iPod for about an hour on repeat, I think I eventually drifted off.
The next few days were hard, as I just felt this pain and dull ache inside all the time, and anything that made me think of FT made me miss her, and that made me remember that I couldn't just call her to talk to her, and that made me weepy.
One of the hardest parts I found with it all, was that eventhough we did get to talk at least once a day, Zambia was an hour ahead and FT had to be up early, so inevitably she was ringing me here fairly early in the evening, and that made it impossible for me to sleep. I know I'm mad, but I like to talk to her before I go to sleep as it helps me to drift off. But the whole dynamics of it was fucked up and didn't make life easy! You wouldn't believe how much you miss someone that time of the night! It's like the evil little gremlins come out and remind you that they're not there!
It was no better trying to sleep in my old bed at my parents house. It was still impossible! And that fucker squeaks too much! I found myself up dead early every morning as well! And I'm by no means a morning person!

So how'd I manage to get through the day? Well, by waiting for the phone to ring! If I was lucky, I'd get a phone call in the morning before I woke up, or a text message or a phone call at lunch time, or a text message. And that made my day! It feels a bit silly to say that something as simple as a couple of minutes on the phone or the odd text message could make me ecstatically happy. But it did... and it really made my day! Then I'd count the hours until evening when I'd get to talk to her properly on the phone. And everything in between was just a blur.
I've never known anything like it. It just felt like going through the motions just to get through the day. Looking back now, I couldn't tell you what I did, or how it all went. It just seems such a blurr!
And as sods law would have it, just as I was getting into some form of managing to get through each day... shit strikes and I find myself struggling again!

We did have some fun before I went down to London though. Let's just say, that even with that distance, and with just a phone for communication, it doesn't stop the height of passion when you're in love! And so she was sharing a room? So what... her room mate wasn't in the room 24/7!

The weekend I went down to London was the weekend FT went to Zimbabwe for a couple of days. I spent nearly 5 hours driving down to London, and FT phoned me when she got to Zim just as I was driving through London town and needed my wits about me. I was so glad to hear her voice as it was a crap drive down and I'd had a job interview that day, so was itching to tell her all about it. In reality I was on the phone for all of a couple of minutes. She was sharing a room and couldn't talk, and was going out and stuff. I felt like shit. I really needed just to chat and hear her voice, and it was obvious that's the one thing I wouldn't be able to do. So that two minute conversation was all we had for that day until midday the next day. I found that hard. I'm insecure at the best of times, and I was worried out of my mind, as Zim doesn't have the best reputation when it comes to British tourists. I got to my parents house in a right mood and all I wanted to do was burst into tears. Thankfully my Dad kept the wisecracks to himself and I think Mum sensed I was a bit upset. It made my day when FT phoned me on the Saturday afternoon as I really wasn't expecting it. I felt loved again, and I took great pleasure in telling her all about the blanket I bought to go in my car boot for the imminent arrival of her guide dog. I know it sounds stupid, but just the sound of her voice keeps me sane, and hearing her say 'I love you' means more to me than I could ever explain! She told me she'd give me a call later that night to talk properly, so off I went to the Kent coast with my family with a smile on my face waiting for the night to come. Only night came and went, and I didn't hear a thing. She'd text me from someone elses phone earlier to say her battery was dead and that the phone was being charged, so not to hear a thing that night made me worried sick. I woke up every hour without fail all night and checked the phone to see if I missed her call. I had my phone glued to me. The the following morning she borrowed the phone of the place where she was staying to ring me and left a message on my phone to say she was ok and safe and that she would ring me when she got back to Zambia. That put my mind at rest, but I was still all up in the air until I spoke to her that night.

I'd spent the working week at the office where my mum works, answering the phones and generating schedules for the work that comes in from scratch, as well as doing a mail merge of around 500 letters as they've just moved premises. And I wasn't leaving there until like 6 in the evening. From time to time I managed to get to talk to FT during her lunch break if there was not much going on or there were no bosses in the office. It helped no end to know she was thinking about me during the day.

It was good to know that FT was enjoying herself when she was away. I was worried sick at one point, as she and Kate ended up getting mugged at one point fairly early on in the month. I wanted to kick the shit out of the bastard that did it. And I was in pieces at being so far away and completely helpless at what to do. There was nothing I could do to make things better for the woman I loved, and I found that hard. I wanted her home there and then, forget about the money spent, I was worried about her and I wanted to make things alright and to hold her. I hated that I couldn't do that. And as much as I wanted her on the next plane home, I knew it was important for her to stick it out and hang in there, so I was relieved that she was putting it behind her and having a blast.
That said, I didn't find it particularly easy the one occassion she phoned me after she'd been out on the piss all night. She was clearly absolutely hammered, although (as usual) persisted that she wasn't drunk. I should have known better. We ended up falling out on the phone. I'd had a shit of a day, and focused everything around getting to speak to her of a night. And then we were on the phone for a while, and I started getting really upset. She was chatting and talking to everyone around her about some bug or other, and it was Kate's done this and so and so's done that, and all I wanted was to hear her voice and to tell her about my day. I know perhaps I was selfish and all that, but it just hurt that she seemed a bit disinterested in me and more interested in everyone else. Yet I knew it was the drink and that she really loved me, and wouldn't have done it on purpose, but from that far away and three weeks without cuddles, it wasn't easy.
We made up before we both went to bed and more than made up for it on the phone the next night!
I know it sounds stupid, but I just felt like a complete inconvenience. Like she'd have a far better time if I wasn't here like a ball and chain. And that's the last thing I wanted.

We had an amazing conversation one night. I spent the whole night smiling from ear to ear. We spent like a good half an hour chatting about getting engaged, and the 'perfect time for it' and stuff. We both agreed it should be a special occasion in its own right, but also that some times, a proposal would top an occasion off etc.
So yes, any of you who have read FT's blog know that this was the point where I thought it'd be perfect to bend down on one knee at Manchester airport and ask her to be mine! From that moment on I had plans in the making. I had the ring on order, ready to pick up in the right size on the monday before she was due home, and was planning just how I'd do it and what I'd say.

Only let's just say things didn't quite go to plan! I had dropped my car into the garage to be re-sprayed before work one morning, knowing it would take 3 days to complete, when whilst at work I get a text from FT telling me she she was leaving to come home early. I totally fucked up at this point. Instead of getting excited about seeing her 3 days early, which I really was, I completely freaked out at the fact that there was no way I could get the car back in time to get to the airport early. I wanted to cry! It just felt like the only thing that got me through the month was focusing on the airport and picking FT up. Holding her there in my arms. And then after my idea of the perfect proposal, all I wanted to do was bend down on one knee and ask her to marry me. So instead off bubbling and being excited like I was inside, I was upset about missing the opportunity. I handled the whole thing appalingly! She thought I didn't want her home early, which wasn't that at all... I just wanted to bring her home to our house, like I was the one that took her away from it. Call me stupid. I know I am. I'm a fucking idiot, I still can;t explain. It just meant so much to me, and I couldn't explain to FT or she'd get wind about the planned proposal. So I cancelled the ring order, concluding that this wasn't the perfect time that I'd thought, and that I'd be better off saving a bit longer for a better version of the same ring!
Eventually though, she sussed that I had a proposal planned! I don't think she believed it at first. It took a while to sink in. And after a while, we sorted out that it wasn't that I didn't want her home early why I was acting gutted. We talked and sorted out that she'd go and stay with her family overnight and we'd meet at home in Sheffield on Sunday for the grand reunion.

Now maybe I am a complete arse. I have in my head an idea of how things will be, and if things deviate, I get upset. I'm not one for change. But alas, with the change of plan in terms of my baby coming home early, I was in the car on the road on a 4 hour trip to Sheffield... foot down in haste to see my baby. My new focus was seeing her, holding her in my arms, kissing her, and then sitting on our sofa with her, holding hands and in each others arms, just enjoying being together.
So call me unreasonable, but I went a bit apeshit when I found out FT's mum had brought her on-off boyfriend along for the ride! It was the first time FT had met him, and I'd never seen him from adam. The flat was a complete mess, and I just wanted to focus on having FT home again. To be honest, the whole thing made me upset, cos I felt like I'd lost the emotional reunion at the airport, and having some random stranger there, whether you think so or not, does restrict how you act. It's different around parents cos they're used to it and know what we're like etc. I just felt upset, and I felt like irrespective of FT's mum wanting someone to drive home with, I felt like no one had thought how I'd feel about it all. I'm extremely shy and quiet around new people anyway, and I'd had the hardest month of my life, and I really didn't feel like spending a second with anyone new. And I didn't think for a second it'd happen, as FT's mum frequently drives to Sheffield and back in the same day for visits. So I'm irrational and blow things out of proportion. What does it matter? Well, to me it mattered. I'd focused all my energies on how it'd be us getting back together, in our home, after not seeing each other for a whole month. And I just felt on guard. Like I couldn't really truely by myself, or do and say what I wanted to. I felt like we couldn't really be 'us' like we usually are. And that hurt. That was the one thing I needed. I got upset because it felt like the most important moment of this past month, the climax, the end point, the one thing that has got me through, had to be adapted and changed. I didn't feel comfortable, and I hated that. I wanted to cry. I wanted to be slushy. I wanted to have a moment. I needed FT to know just how glad I was to have her home. In our home. In my life. And I couldn't do it how I wanted to. Just like I couldn't be at the airport. I felt like I'd lost and compromised the moment I'd dreamed about for a whole month. That upset me. All I wanted to do was welcome my lady home in the only way I knew best! I must sound like a right selfish twat. Hell, I probably am! And probably not a nice person to boot. I get too focused on the little things, and not the bigger picture!

Maybe I'm am idiot. Maybe I'm a twat. But I am the incredibly soppy romantic type, of grand gestures, and in my defence, sometimes, it's the finer detail and the little things which come from the romantic in me that make all the difference... I just need to not get so carried away!
But god I missed her!

If this past month has taught me anything, it's taught me just what an amazing woman I am blessed to be with. And that I'm more sure now than ever before that she is my soulmate... my soul's counterpoint in another. She is the only person in the world who can put a smile on my face from thousands of miles away. She can cheer me up and make me feel loved with a simple text. Just hearing her voice makes my heart pound and flutter and makes me feel warm inside. There is no one in the world I'd die to protect like FT. And there is no part of my life that means anything if I don't have her to share it with!

I'm so proud of my baby, and that said, this past month has made us stronger than ever! And I love you FT with all my heart! Please never forget that!