A Relaxing Weekend... Then a Hard Day at Work!

Ah ha.... well this is going to be a very short journal entry on my part for a change, for no other reason than the fact that I've finally been out to work today!!!
Yep, got a little call early this morning (I was up at 7am and on 'stand-by' to be called in), I was off to attend a school in Mexborough, 40 minutes away from Sheffield, where I got my first taste of being a teaching assistant!!!
And it was ace!!!! Was in a class of 22 6-7 year olds where I was helping them read and make folders and just generally helping the teacher out! It was brill! The day seemed to go really fast and to get paid for it just seems an absolute bonus!!! It was nice for once to have something new and random to do, and the element of surprise, not knowing what I was going to be doing next! I even enjoyed the journey too and from work!
But the best bit has to be how much I missed my lady, and couldn't wait to get home and be with her, and see if she missed me, and to tell her all about it! And it was amazing to walk through the door to that sexy huge smile and lots of cuddles!
It certainly put a massive grin on my face! :)
And I was feeling all energetic and bouncy, until I sat down! just 15 minutes ago!
So I'm going to save the rest of this post for another day!

You Are The Weakest Link... Goodbye! No, seriously, FUCK OFF NOW!!!!!

Hee Hee!
Make what you will of the name ;)
But I did end up watching the weakest link last night, as I was in a 'cut off my nose to spite my face mood' as I wanted cuddles and my lady was busy! I only wanted to be cuddled!!!!Am not feeling to grand at the moment to be honest. I'm worried shitless about actually being required to work, as I have no idea what to do, and feel out of my depth! Apart from that, I'm freakishly tired all the god damn time! And if permitted, I could physically sleep all day! Which really isn't a good idea! I feel a bit like that at the moment, so think I might go for a lie down in a bit. The last time I felt this sleepy and could sleep so much was probably at my worst depressed moment ever last year when I had a fall out with my mum as I neglected to tell her I was gay and had a girlfriend as I thought I'd be disowned. So things were arsy, we weren't talking, and all I could do was sleep and be cuddled by my lady. Don't get me wrong, I'm not depressed or anything in the slightest, but am incredibly tired! Ah well, such is life!
Went out to an open mic night at the union and sat around with some pals and drank coffee and listened to music and stories and things last night... it was cool and made a change! Could have done without the caffeine though to be honest! Probably not a wise idea at 9 o'clock at night! It made my hyper though, and I was alternating from sitting in the cafe with Doofus' bike helmet on my head and randomly doing 'the momkey' which those of you who are fortunate enough to know what that is, will hopefully chuckle at the though! Anyone who doesn't know, then could someone who does know please post a comment to explain, as I'm at a loss of how to explain it! I did also, contribute to some of the musical entertainment with making 'popping' sounds with my finger in my cheek, which fitted perfectly in time with the music, and made my lady, Doofus and Dora chuckle to the extreme! Ahhhh, it was a grand night!
Ooh, that and the fact that I got to ride Doofus' bike! Woo Hoo! (yes, I even screamed 'woo hoo' whilst riding)... it was like being a big flipping kid again!
I also received an email from another of my christian friends from home, 'Dr S', asking how things were going and wanting to catch up. Which brought me down to earth with a bump, as I remembered I still haven;t mentioned the fact that I'm gay to her yet either, and she's the only one of my friends yet to be informed. So then I just felt like shit. That and the fact that my mother keeps creating issues all of her own, as she seems to feel 'deprived' of her daughter somewhat, even though I'm still here, haven't gone anywhere and am a million times happier than I have ever been before in my life, yet keep being pulled in opposite directions. Leaving me to the point of feeling like a crap daughter and a crapper girlfriend and then feeling guilty that my mum's relationship with my nan has gone tits up, so I'm all over the place and don't know what to think, feel or do! And my usual standard I just keep putting off for today until tomorrow, hoping tomorrow won't come for a while... or at least I'll be better prepared when it does! But it never works like that, and time just makes things worse! I think it's called the bains of life... or existance! But then no one is really wants to here about the ins and outs of my intricate family workings, or how I've manipulated situations and fucked things up good and proper over the past 23 years! Yet one there is one thought. One piece of advice from me who is in no position to give advice to anyone, yet feels compelled to share this little bud of wisdom with the world...
We can't change who we are, or the cards we get delt in life, or even change people around us... but it is our own responsibility to do the best we can with the cards life deals us and to make our own happiness! Sitting round on our arses all day feeling sorry for ourselves and wishing life treated us better ain't never achieved anything! Everyone has shit to deal with, and that's exactly what it is... our own shit, and no one elses responsibility to fix it! Ain't never gonna let no shit get the better of me! I'll fight to the end for whatever makes me happy and especially for what makes my lady happy... and heaven help who or whatever stands in the way of that!

Rock On!!!!

Hee Hee... well, it has been a while since I posted, hasn't it? And for all those who avidly check my journal for updates (which is no one except my lady probably), here it is... a run down of the past few days, the way that I see it! Thursday: Thursday night was ace! It was the night where eager anticipation led and built up... it was the night where we finally got to put some funky clothes on, and make up (and yes, I did do mascara and foundation!) as well as some dancing shoes, and get out there and have a boogie!
I think both FT and myself were well up for it! FT had her last training session, and was going for drinks with her fellow trainees after, so I said I'd meet her in the pub. So I met Dora in Broomhill, on a very windy evening, and we headed down to the Walkabout (which I wasn't impressed with the thought of, but as it turned out, it couldn't have been a better choice of venue). Whilst in the Walkabout, we ordered drinks... and to my excitement, being an Aussie bar, they had VB (a favourite from my days as a London Broncos season ticket holder)! And the first bottle went down a storm, and in a few minutes. The next thing I know, Doofus is ringing me on her phone, informing me the bouncers won't let her in cos she has a hoodie on... even though the hood won't fit over her head! And they were refusing to let her in carrying it! Nevermind, DL and Dora to the rescue! Dora put the hoodie in her bag for the Doof, and good time having was restored, with another trip to the bar, and another VB! I also had a Smirnoff Ice waiting for my lady when she arrived from her training with a few new people in tow. Am I a devoted girlfriend or what?! By this point, I was getting quite merry! And after something like another couple of drinks, and the departure of everyone from training, me, FT, Dora and Doofus headed off to Fuel! Only Doofus, still shattered from working at the weekend, gave hugs and stuff, and dep;arted, leaving just the three of us to go and boogie! Inside, we got more drinks (what can I say... £1 a bottle on a Thursday!) and met up with SM and Amy, and all was ace, getting a little tipsy... well alright then, pissed, and having a good time. I was well up for a good time, and that was abundantly obvious when I began singing at the top of my voice, and jumping up and down, when they played Since U Been Gone by Kelly Clarkson! Everyone followed suit and we boogied on the dance floor! The night pretty much followed the same pattern, of group dancing, somewhat more provocative dancing between me and my lady (Yeah baby!!!! - Some more of that at climax please ;)!!!) And more alcohol! I was well on the way to complete anubriation, and somehow managed to lose £20 which Dora entrusted to me to look after! But who in their right mind gives a drunk person money to look after? Hmmm, still, aside from the fact that it cost me £20 through my own drunken stupidity, on the good side, I was too pissed to notice it going, and today, it seems like a distant memory! Plus, it was such a good night, that I wouldn't have minded spending £20 extra anyway! We stayed until the end!!! I can't believe we stayed until the end! I've never done that before (Woo Hoo) It was soooooo wicked! And they even played a slow song at the end, which my mrs and I danced too while everyone got their coats and stuff!
Yeah baby!!!! I really wanted a kebab on the way home... but the place was too damn packed (the trouble with leaving at the end of the night and not before), so we just shared a cab home, all 5 of us. Well... what a fucking retard! The driver was a bloody kamakazi taxi driver! And a wanker at that! I swear, he was doing like 50-60 mph in a 30 mph zone, and slamming on his breaks at the last minute! It's a wonder we didn't die! It was that bad, that we got out half way home and caught a different taxi back! What a tosser! Still reeling from the desire for a kebab, and stuff, my lady made me some chilli and garlic bread... bless her! I think without that, I'd have puked for sure! She's wonderful my girlfriend, and I've never felt more loved and happy in all my life! Friday: Well, this was a typical 'recovering' morning after the night before! We woke up at a reasonable time, but too bloody early when you consider we didn't get to bed until gone 3am! We cuddled for a bit, and made love (which has to be an ultimate hangover cure... it makes the world seem a better place again), and then snuggled up and went back to sleep until gone midday. It was weird, but fortunate as I had to drive, that my lady, although drank much less than me the night before, had a much worse hangover! And we couldn't motivate ourselves to leave to visit her parents in Stoke for the weekend until getting on for 4pm. And considering we had initially said we'd be there in the afternoon, we were well late... and FT's mum wasn't impressed. But we were too hungover to care! We arrived in Stoke and had barely ordered chinese from the most amazing take away you could ever wish to experience and were tucking into it when FT's lil sister turned up to visit! Bless her heart, she's sweet and adorable, but isn't like a shy timid type that will sit and watch TV with you, she likes to be active, and liked to be tickled and things like that, which is really cool just not when you have a hangover! I must admit, I was more subdued than I usually am with her, but poor FT was really feeling the effects of the hangover and seemed like she just wanted to sleep! Despite all that, it's not often we get to see her sister, so it was really cool, and I get a taster of what FT was like when she was younger, and what our kids will be like in the future, so I really enjoyed it! I think her sister is ace and I seem to get the seal of approval, so I'm not complaining! We retired to bed fairly early on the Friday night, and were glad of the chance to properly recharge and have a much needed sleep! Saturday: We woke up at 9am... which by our standards, is an early rise for a weekend! But we had lots too do, as it was my chance to be intriduced to members of FT's family I hadn't yet met.
So I awoke feeling a little aprehensive, as I always feel I make a bad first impression as I'm usually quite shy! Yes, usually, behind this fiery interior is a shy, extremely sensitive side, contrary to popular belief! FT's mum departed for work at around 9:45 ish, and we had the day to ourselves, which FT was looking forward too, and I felt a little less nervous for that fact too... would be a complete nightmare showing myself up in front of the future mother-in-law! She makes me nervous enough as it is, so eager am I to make a good impression all of the time!
Anyway, here's where the events of the day veer from the track of family visiting and take a different twist. I don't think I commented on the events of christmas between my lady and me, and our families, and I can't remember if she did or not, or to what extent, but FT and her mum had a fairly huge, ok, really huge, fall out over christmas, which resulted on FT ringing me in tears on christmas night and boxing day. Anyway, I felt completely helpless, as she was in Stoke, and I was in London with my family, and I've never felt so helpless in all my life. What do you do when you have the one person in the world who you care so much about, so upset, but there is jack shit you can do about it? Anyway, FT's mum 'resolved' the issue, and as anyone who reads FT's journal will know, that 'resolved' in this sense takes on a very liberal meaning. In anycase, my only reason for mentioning it, is in explanation or the reason why we spent a while Saturday morning putting a lock on FT's bedroom door at home without mentioning it to her mum. Anyway, that's what we did, so we could both feel happier about it if a situation were to arise where she had to go and stay at her mum's house without me. All the time, I'm feeling incredibly nervous, cos no one in their right mind wants to actively piss off the future in-laws, yet I'm very aware that's probably exactly what I'm doing. But then in saying that, there is no way in this life time or the next would I feel happy with FT going home to visit her parents and being in the same situation at christmas. So the lock seemed the logical solution, and is exactly why we put it on. Even though I spent the day in fear of her mum completely going off her nut about it.
But FT seemed a lot lot happier when it was on, which made it all worth while (plus, like I need an excuse to use my electric drill/screwdriver?! It's ace!!!). With the lock firmly in place, we headed off to see FT's Uncle John, Auntie Pat and cousin Katie. Yikes... I hadn't met them before Saturday, and got very stressed trying to follow FT's mum's directions... which were diabolical! She sent me right at a set of traffic lights I should have turned left at, which had me completely in the other side of town! Hmm, I was stressed and nervous, not a good combination! But we got there in the end, safe and sound! It was nice meeting some more of FT's family, and I tried not to be too shy, although I think I was! I did feel honoured to be introduced to them, and FT informs me that the liked me, which I'm relieved about! We spent an hour and a half there, watching DVDs of when FT was little and all of her birthday parties and school events, which was nice... she was the most admorable little girl in the world! And it made me incredibly broody, thinking 'wow... this is gonna be what our babies are like!' After a while, we were on our way, with incredibly good directions, to FT's cousin Laura's house to visit, Laura, her Auntie Pauline and lil baby Callum. Not forgetting of course, Benson the dog! We had lunch there, and a chat and made a fuss of the very cute dog, and held and made cooing noises at the even cuter baby... making us both even more broody! There's something about seeing my lady with a baby in her arms that just gives me goose bumps and makes me smile! I just get the feeling of 'I just can't wait to see you sitting there holding our baby!' Yes... I'm a soppy romantic sod, haven't you gathered that by now?! From Laura's, we headed off, with amazing directions I might add! To Newcastle town centre, to buy a card and present for FT's Dad! A little while later, with 2 cards and a bluetooth adaptor for his computer in tow, we departed for a visit to FT's Uncle Ian's. There we tried some lemon cous cous cake (yes you heard right) that FT's Auntie Bev made, which was unusual to say the least, and chatted to Uncle Ian and FT's two cousins (which on the contrary make me not broody to say the least) for a bit, and then drove back to FT's mum's house. There we visited FT's next door neighbours for a bit, and then went and got ready and went our for a curry with FT's Dad for his birthday. Which was really nice, and it was obvious that FT made her Dad's day by coming home for the weekend, which was lovely to see! We went to bed fairly early again, not wanting to be lectured about the lock, even though we were both nervous about it the whole day, but both glad nothing was mentioned. I felt like crap and helpless lying in bed though, cos FT was upset about how things are with her mum, what with it being the first visit back since christmas, and there is nothing I can do to make any of that better, other than show her I'm here for her, and have my arms open for lots of cuddles and be there to hold her when she needs me. I just feel so helpless, and I hate seeing her like that! We eventually went to sleep with her spooning me, but she had a fitful night. Sunday: We got up fairly early on Sunday, as we had one last visit to do before setting off home for Sheffield. Only FT's mum wasn't working, and she ended up coming with us to visit FT's Auntie Margaret, and cousin Mel. Her cousin Scarlett was there too, although a little shy, was an absolute little cutie. So now I was even more shy and reserved than usual, because as I have explained, the thought of making an absolute tit of myself in front of the future mother-in-law scares me stupid! So I didn't say much. Mind you, neither did FT, which I could tell she was pissed off by, as her mum was catching up on gossip and all sorts, and for quite a while, FT sat there with both of us worrying that time was getting on, we hadn't eaten, and neither of us wanted to leave late because there was bad snow all around Sheffield and Stoke, and we wanted a safe, leisurly drive home. After a couple of hours we headed back for some food, and a quick 'goodbye' with FT's dad and the little love that is Beby Hound (who should have been coming with us, but was a little poorly so had to stay and go to the vets) and we were on our way, via the motorway to avoid the snow and icy roads. An hour and fifty minutes later, we were home in Sheffield, and it was nice to be back! FT was visibly relieved to be back home, and to have some space from her mum again, and be back in her own space. I couldn't be arsed to cook anything, and we thought we'd finish the weekend in good style by having a take away! So good old Friary chips and chicken nuggets, and a kebab split between the pair of us! I thought that'd make her feel a bit better... only feeling a little frustrated at how crap and unable to do anything to help her I was, I tried to put the food on a tray, but the box broke, and I raised my voice, saying I was 'just trying to help', and FT burst into tears. Bugger the food! I left it where it was, and held her there and then in my arms for 5 minutes, knowing she'd feel better after crying for a bit. And that worked. I think she felt a bit better after that, and we sat and watched the first episode of the second series of 24 on DVD. The world seemed good again, and we both needed to get back to normality! And spending time together tucking into a nice meal definetely achieves that! It was lovely to get into our own ed, settle down and have cuddles! Much needed! Monday: FT had the day off uni yesterday, and we had a nice lie in and just spent a fairly leisurly relaxing day... yet it was full of good news for a change! Firstly, we found out that Beby Hound is OK, nothing major and he should be 'right as ninepence' to come and stay with us next week (as FT's dad put it, bless him!). Secondly, I heard back from the interview I went for last week, and my file has been cleared, and I can start work as a teaching assistant for this agency as and when there is something to do! So Woo Hoo! Go Me Go Me! It will be good to have some money coming in!
Also, as of yesterday, this relationship became FT's longest relationship ever... which put a HUGE smile on my face, as I know we've had shit to deal with, and things haven't always been smooth sailing, but things are better now than they ever have been, and things just keep going from strength to strength! Life is good! Nope... better than good... It's FUCKING AMAZING!!! Also, I'm not a particularly superstitious type, but someone out there is shining down on us, as Today, I bought tickets for the monthly club night Climax at the union (we missed the last one being entertained by Kelly Clarkson), and we ended up getting tickets number 8 and 9. Where 8 happens to be our special, lucky number... so it's more than coincidence that we managed to get that lucky ticket! Woo Hoo... as it happens, I can't wait to go to Climax on Friday! I love climaxing with my lady! In more ways than one! ;) But it's amazing!!!! Now off to cook some food, cos I'm bloody starving! Until next time, my faithful journal readers...

Well, She Wanted to do Something Crazy!!!

I had a job interview yesterday, with a temping agency for teaching assistants. I can't make up my mind whether teaching is the right career for me, so I thought the idea of teaching assistant might be brilliant, as it will give me the perfect insight. The interview seemed to go really well, and I was feeling really positive. Only I'm a bit dubious of my success as getting references is proving to be a complete pain in the arse! I volunteered at a primary school after-school club when I was in secondary school, and worked there for a bit with kids, only getting a reference for that will be damn near impossible as the school has changed heads and stuff so many times since that, it's all probably untracable! And if that wasn't bad enough, my old university tutor has buggered off the face of the earth (left the department) without replying to emails and requests for references I sent him. Foolishly, the old fart was the only person at uni I really had any contact with staff-wise, and so now I'm not going to get a reference of any merit from there as no one else had anything to do with me!
So all the positivity that I once had about the interview etc is fast turning into dispondency, not that there's a thing I can do about it! Fuck it!
On the other hand, I sent off the job application for the science-related job that is well and truly up my alley. So hopefully I'll recieve some good news there! I can live in hope!And in the mean time, I just have to hang in there, keep looking, and keep applying!On a better note, yesterday life restored itself to normality again, as both me and my lady proceeded to get out of bed on the correct side! There was no niggling at all, and yesterday was a perfect day in the life! Ahhh, cohabiting bliss! Can ya tell I'm happier than I've ever been in my entire life?!
We went for a drink last night with the uni's lgb crew... not that many people particularly speak to us, and after 10 minutes of bad dj mixing, and flat coke and lemonade (shandy really) we were just about to depart for the new gay pub in town, when SM and her friend Amy came in, and we spent the rest of the eveing chatting to them (even though SM is in a weird mood of late) and trying to convince them to come out with us on Thursday night to the local gay club for a damn good night out... all we got was 'maybe'!
So on the drive home, my lady mentioned how she wanted to do something crazy, like drive somewhere random or something. Well... I had a better idea.
We drove round for a bit, and I found Tesco car park, and bit of it was empty, so I decided that the 'something crazy' would be to give my lady a driving lesson! What? You might say? Were you pissed? I assure you I wasn't. And I know it sounds crazy allowing a blind person to drive your car, but I really didn't have a doubt in the world. Anyone that knows me, knows that my car is my absolute pride and joy. I look after it, clean it, am paranoid about not locking it, check on it when it's parked outside etc, I adore it to bits. So letting my lady drive it, was not something I did rashly or unwittingly. A couple of very important things to mention here is that, firstly, it was in an empty carpark, which is private land, so there was nothing to hit, and perfectly safe.
Secondly, it is a testament to our relationship that we could even do something like that. I amaze myself at how much I trust my lady, and at how much she trusts me. To be in that situation required impecable trust. I trusted her to the limits, to do what I said when I said it, and she trusted me likewise. It wasn't as though my car has dual control or anything!
I said it last night, and I'll say it again. There is no one in the world who I would trust to sit behind that wheel unqualified other than my lady, even if they could see and were on the verge of passing their test. Yet, I felt safe and secure with my lady behind the wheel, even though she had no concept of driving and I had to remind her what pedal was what at first!
And I have to say... she was fucking amazing! Most people, their first time in a car would stall it all the time and not be able to reverse or anything, but for the most part, she was driving round and round the car park, with me steering, and then in straight lines backwards and forwards. There wasn't any jerking or shuddering like you see learners on the roads sometimes. To say I was impressed was an understatement!
I know how much my lady would love to drive, and how much it really gets to her that she never will, so I wanted to do this for a number of reasons. Firstly to make her happy, and put the biggest smile on her face... which I certainly achieved after she stopped laughing thinking I was joking about letting her. And also to show her how much I love, respect and trust her. And I think it achieved that too. Also, I think she now has an appreciation of how difficult driving actually is, and all I keep getting is 'how did you do that so smoothly?!' She'll learn soon enough! And at this rate, it won't take long!
After half an hour or so, we ended up changing seats and I drove us home again. And this morning, she was worried the car wouldn't start because she stalled it a few times last night. Well, I hasten to add, it started up first time, purring like a kitten! So I think the change of driving hands done both of them the world of good!
My challenge now is to find a better car park that's bigger and doesn't have trolley parks in the middle of it! And then will begin lesson 2!
Today is our 17 month anniversary... I'm soooo excited! Things are so amazing, and I'm so in love! I'm cooking tonight, and we're going to have a nice romantic meal, and enjoy spending time together on our anniversary!
Mmmm. this is the life! I love you precious bunny xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx And Happy Anniversary!

Yes it's True... Bad Loser in Effect!

I have come online with one purpose only. To publically. Yes, publically I say, conceed defeat! For any other journal update, you'll have to wait, as I'm in the process of composing a personal statement for a job application!Anyway, yesterday was a shitty day as both me and my lady seemed to get out of bed the wrong side and were in peculiar moods to say the least. I think we'll both testify to that! When in the evening, she was starting to do the ironing, and really didn't want to do it, so I told her to leave it, which she refused (such was the mood of the day). Anyway, it was only when I suggested that we take some time out and do something fun that she agreed. The iron went away, and out came the draughts board. Or checkers os Americans refer to it. Anyway, the long and the short of it is that she'd never beat me at it before, in the whole time we've known each other. That was until last night.
I was outplayed. What the fuck I was playing at, I have no idea, but she beat me. And although I did have it in my head that we were playing to different objects of the game, the result is the same. She beat me!
Only I was a fucking arse bad loser and refused to accept defeat! Again, such was the mood of the day.
So, the honourable sort that I am, I have come online and publically tell the world or anyone who will listen, that I was out-classed, and out-played by my good lady, and she deserves all the credit in the world! I love you baby!
Now, on my usual over-competative nature... REMATCH!!!! I challenge you to do it again! Bet ya can't, bet ya can't!
I love you sweetheart! And I love playing games with you! Infanam xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Smile... It's a Sunday! Shame It's Not Snowing Though!

Hooray! It's a Sunday! But I'm mortified the snow disappeared before I got to use it to it's full potential! The trouble is, the snow seemed to come down and settle in the space of an hour, and we didn't even know it was there! I'd been conned by my very lovely lady, into buying tickets to see some performace at the university drama studios. The play was called 'cleansed' by Sarah Kane I think, and if there is anyone out there who has seen it and can tell me what the hell happened, then please enlighten me! Bloody hell... it was so fragmented and a bit pathetic to tell the truth! It was like a collection of scenes full of sex, violence and drugs that were just there for effect and didn't seem to follow on from each other! It just seems the sort of play put on to evoke a controversial response rather than entertain. And to think it was sold to me as a play about a 'doctor who abuses his position'... There's me thinking it's going to be something like the Harold Shipman type scenario... well it wasn't like that! It wasn't like anything! No wonder the person who wrote it comitted suicide afterwards! So yeah, I wouldn't recommend it!
I'd of rather had a snowball fight with my lady!
We went to get some bread from the supermarket after the performance, with the car coevered in snow. I hasten to add my lady lobed a couple of snowballs at me when we first came out the flat earlier in the evening, so I thought I'd pay her back, using some of the snow on the car in Tesco carpark. Well I didn;t think, and I still to this second, can't believe my stupidity. In a moment of rash stupidness I scooped a load of snow of the roof of the car, and then chucked it at my lady, forgetting completely that she she wouldn't see it coming, and doesn;t have the blink reflex and close her eyes. So the snow hit her smack in the eye. I felt and still feel like a complete knob! I just didn't think! It didn't dawn on me that it was a stupid thing to do. I felt awful afterwards. The last thing I want to do is hurt my lady, so I was gutted that something I did as a jest that was meant to make her laugh and smile had her walking round Tesco in agony! I think she realised how upset and mad at my self I was about it all, cos she didn't shout at me. And to be honest, I'd have deserved it!
That's the thing. We've been together nearly 17 months now, and I can honestly lay my hand on my heart and say that it never ever dawns on me that my lady can't see. It's not an issue and never has been! And Friday night was no exception. You see, she's my lady, irrespective of whether she can see or not, or has 5 toes instead of 4, or whatever else. And I love her! More than anything in the world!
When we got home Friday night, my lady put herself to bed, to get some sleep as she had an all day training session on Saturday, so I spent time making her a 'pukka packed lunch' as I called it. I wanted her to have something nice to eat, and to know how much I love her! I made her heart shaped tuna rolls, diced some pineapple and mango which I know she loves. Put in a packet of her favourite crisps, and her favourite chocolates. And then brailled her a note to put on top, telling her how much I love her and how much I was thinking of her and missing her. Anyway, I think the lunch had the desired effect, as whilst I was in the middle of cleaning the flat (a pre-spring clean if ever there was one) my lady rang me to tell me how much she loves me. She completely made my day!
I picked her up in the afternoon and came home to cuddles and spending some time together, making love and just relaxing. My lady did some work while I ironed, and our friend SM came round for a chat and a drink for an hour or so, and then we retired to bed watching some more 24 before going to sleep! And having watched a further 2 episodes after we had a lie in this morning, leaves us with just 2 episodes to go before we finish the series! Ooooh it's getting good!

My 24 Hours... Not as Eventful as Jack Bauer's, or so you Might Think!

Hahahaha, and who said I'm not an obsessive type?! I'm currently sitting here updating my journal, and defragmenting my gf's laptop which has never been done as far as I can remember, is over 3/4s full to it's memory capacity, and has millions of fragmented files, and she wonders why the bugger is being slow! Been sitting her for like 20 minutes already, and it's only 4% done, so this could take a while!
It's been another emotional 24 hours really. Anyone who has read my lady's journal knows we had an argument last night, and it came from absolutely nowhere! Shit, Bollocks, Damn, Fuck! Absolutely nowhere! It got to like 11:20 ish PM, and I decided to come off the computer, my lady was reading, engrosed in a novel, but I was bored stupid with sitting behind my laptop, so decided to depart for bed. And all I can remember from the emotion overdose, is she asked me what I was doing. I replied going to bed, and then we both seemed to completely get the wrong end of each other's sticks, and it went from there. She thought I had the arse with her, which I didn't, was just getting tired of being online and on the computer. Then she wanted me to decide whether we should watch an episode of 24 or she was staying up to read cos she wasn't tired. Which is fair enough, but I couldn't decide as I wanted her to do whatever she wanted to do the most. I really infuriate her when I'm indecisive, and I don't think thay helped. But then I didn't want her to think I was ordering her to get off the computer and watch a DVD just cos I wanted to do it. So we both ended up stressed about something inconsequential really, and something which should never have evolved into a disagreement!
I got riled and a bit mad, and she went in a strop, and instead of sorting it out and coming to a solution, we were both in a stupid sort of mood where I told her to do what she wanted, and she said she'd sleep outside (i.e. not in our bed). It was at that point I freaked. Not in an agressive mouthing off kinda way, which is a vast improvement from me, as I'm usually the vocal argumentative sort, but I simply said 'thanks' and went into the bedroom. Then the tears and hysteria started, eventually requiring me to rummage through a draw to find an asthma inhaler as I couldn't breathe. The last time FT said she wouldn't be sleeping in our bed and that was when we had a massive fall out in January. So I panicked, freaked and didn't know what to do! Then I could understand why things went like they did, I was being a prize dickhead and I could see every reason why we were falling out. But last night came from absolutely nowhere, and to hear her say she was sleeping elsewhere, just had me completely freaked and not knowing what to do.
You see, the one amazing thing about our relationship is that we talk about everything, and we talk everything through. Even when we have arguements or disagreements or aren't best pleased with the other, we always manage to sort it out, and never. Ever. Go to bed on an argument, or in separate rooms. I just felt gutted when she said that last night, and brought a blizzard of tears. It felt like someone had kicked me in the stomach and in the kidneys at the same time. I felt lower than I have done since we fell out in January, and since then I've been making huge efforts to improve and boost my self-esteem. And the one person in the world I tell everything to, and love more than anything and completes me and makes everything alright again, was the one person, it seemed, who wanted nothing to do with me.
I couldn't bring myself to come out of the bedroom and talk to her, as I was so panicked and shit scared that I thought she was going to tell me she wanted a break or didn't want to be with me anymore. But I couldn't stay in the bedroom crying, as I think I might have passed out through hysterical hyperventilation. So I took myself into the bathroom and sat on the floor in the shower with it running. The water running down my face forces me to breathe properly or I'll inhale water and drown. And I figured I'd sit there until the shower went cold to get some perspective of the situation, rather than completely freaking out!
I'd been in there a while, when my lady knocked at the door and came in. She turned the shower off and proceeded to get me out. Coming in with her clothes and slippers on. And then she dried me and made me sit while she dried my hair. I was seriously shitting a brick. I was half expecting her to say something like she loves me but needed a break or something. I sat between her legs with her drying my hair, half shivering through cold, and half trembling through nerves.
We eventually sat down on the bed and talked for a bit. Both of us talking and listening to each other's sides of the story, hearing each other out.
I hate arguing! And I spent most of my adolescence falling out with someone or another. And now, I live here with my lady, and she's the person I spend most of my time with, so generally she's the one who faces the brunt of it when arguements occur. I make it sound like we argue or have argued all the time, which is completely untrue, I'm merely illustrating the fact that somewhere in my personality is an argumentative nature, despite the fact it makes me physically ill. Yet, this is one aspect of my personality I have been working incredibly hard to change. I know you can't expect change to occur overnight, but I think I'm making a reasonable amount of progress. Things lately between me and FT have been incredible. Out of this world. Amazing! Again, I don't mean it to sound like it isn't like that usually, because it is. But things just seem to be getting better and better. More than I ever thought possible! I fall in love with her more every day, and the bond between us deepens every day. So, the argument from nothing completely knocked me off guard and made me panic. I wanted nothing more than to hold her in my arms, and have her hold me in hers. To feel her, and feel safe, like nothing in the world could touch us, but I got scared and panicked, as I didn't think she wanted the same.It turns out it was a fucking completely pointless argument. Neither of us are to blame, we just completely misread and mis-reacted to each other. Then panic and fear set in, and we were both feeling like shit, but both too proud and scared to do anything. When we talked, we managed to sort everything out. It's a bit of a crap time for both of us at the minute. FT is stressed and worried about work and things, and I'm stressed from looking for work and feeling as though I can't lavish gifts and spoil my lady as much as I'd like because I just don't have the money at the minute. So I feel frustrated and useless, like I can't provide for my lady properly. But we both had a chat and told each other how we were feeling, and before long, were holding each other tightly in each others arms, which is what the two of us wanted in the first place.We lay in bed, and watched an episode of 24, just lying next to each other, touching and holding hands, restoring some normality and making the world a better place again. Before long, the episode was ending and time was cracking on, and my lady has to be up for early lectures on a Thursday morning, so we needed to get some sleep. But it never quite works out like that when you need to do something! And we ended up having incredible, mad, passionate, intense make-up sex. And it was amazing to be there, with her, giving her two orgasms, minutes apart, and then lying with her in my arms. Life felt safe and good again. Like nothing in the world mattered apart from being with each other, and being in love.
We woke up this morning, and had to rush for my lady's lectures. Things today have been amazing. Incredible and intense, and the events of last night seem like a distant memory.I've been out with Doofus today, around the shops to give my lady some space. Thursdays with her training is a busy day for her, and I wanted her to have some time to herself, which with lectures and seminars and readers and training is a rare commodity at the minute. And being broke, I couldn't go out and lavish expensive gifts on her. Although I did have a glance at some engagement rings... as it doesn't hurt to do some research on the market! In the end, I compromised and bought some nail polish and a foot stone to remove hard skin. I decided I'd be romantic and give my lady a pedicure. The full works: foot soak, nails cut, hard skin removed, foot massage and nails painted. And I fully intend to treat her when she gets home from training, with a luxury pedicure, if she's not too tired and worn out!
On another note, I've got a job interview on Tuesday for a possible teaching assistant position! So things may be looking up on the job front! Well, fingers crossed ay?!
I love my beautiful FT with all my heart, and all I want to do is make her happy and make her smile! And I can't believe how happy she makes me and how deeper I fall for her with every day that passes! I love you with all my heart you gorgeous woman! More than you could ever understand! You're incredible in every single way! And I just wanted to tell you and the whole world that! Infanam sweetheart xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Better Late Than Never!!!

Hmmm, well, it's been a good few days since I botheredx to update my journal, and I can justify that by the notion that I have been having far too much fun to sit down for half an hour or so and write it all down! Not that I don't have fun all the time, but well, I'll explain before I start digging myself into a hole!Well, Sunday night was tres amazing to be fair. Didn't do a huge amount, but significantly my lady and me have started the first series of 24 on boxset! We're a little bit slow on the 24 uptake so to speak, considering it's in it's 5th televised series now, and there are already 4 out on DVD. But that is a good thing as it means no waiting around between series, unlike Lost and The L Word which we possess both first series on DVD and are too eagerly awaiting the next ones! Anyhoo, anyone who hasn't seen 24... then get your arse out there and watch it! It is not something to be missed!
Anyway, that's where Sunday evening was spent, curled up in our bed es watching DVDs... which is one place we both love to be! We watched a couple of episodes then, all snuggled up and holding each other... it was pure and utter bliss. And then cuddled up to go to sleep, as Monday brings another week of work (I hate that bloody day)... or so I thought.
I have to confess, that this Monday just gone, was a monumental Monday. Perhaps the best Monday I can ever remember having in my entire life! It was amazing! Most Mondays are usually spent me either cleaning the house or doing washing, or job hunting and my lady reading or working and then departing for her lecture at 3pm. But this Monday was oh so different! Normally on a Monday, my lady is fully into 'work mode' and there is no distracting her no matter how much I try. So this Monday I figured just to get on with my thing, looking for a job as I'm shitting myself silly at the minute. Then, the next thing I know, I'm jumped upon by my lady, and we ended up having the most amazing sex ever! It was like unprecidented, amazing! Certainly not what I expected for a Monday afternoon! Then we topped that off by lying in bed and snuggling up to watch some more episodes of 24! After that, we had a nice leisurly lunch and my lady decided that she didn't need to attend her lecture for the day, so it was lovely to have a nice lunch in the comfort of our own home, without having to rush out anywhere afterwards. Then, with the rest of the afternoon ahead, we went back to bed and watched another episode of 24... and who said we weren't addicted?! And then, once again, one thing led to another, and we had another incredible love making session! Oh my god!!! It was out of this world! Can anyone think of a better way to spend a Monday afternoon? I doubt it! And if you can, then you really haven't lived!
After a bit of pottering about and emmense grinning from ear to ear, and soppy smiles from both of us, FT's reader came (the smelly weird freak one) to read some more of Northern Lights onto minidisk and I departed for the shower.
We spent the rest of the evening just having tea and pottering about the house doing our own thing, both of us still grinning from ear to ear and with gooey expressions on our faces... ahhh what it is to be blissfully happy and very much in love!
We eventually settled down to go to bed at the roughly usual hour... and yes, you guessed it, watched some more 24! Well, not before we had another incredible love making session!Oh my god!!! I have never been so fulfilled and satisfied in all my life! My girlfriend is the most amazing lover on the face of the planet! She's out of this world incredible, and I consider myself the luckiest woman on the planet that I get to share such raw love, passion and desire with her, and much more besides! I hope everyone can see how happy I am!
Yesterday was more of a working day, with my lady working, and me looking for a job! I did have some success there, as I've managed to find something to apply for which is moderately related to my degree! I am soooooo excited! Trouble is, these sort of positions in this area are few and far between, which probably means competition is high, and when you see one, you really want it! So I'm trying to be optimistic (which is hard enough for me anyway) without getting my hopes up too much! I hate not being successful with job appilcations etc. It goes beyond the fact that I need a job for money etc, but I don;t want to disappoint my lady... I want to make her proud of me! I'm working on this application and putting my complete and utter all into it... so fingers, toes , legs and arms crossed!
I wanna make my baby so proud of me, just like I am of her!
There was, of course, time to watch some more 24 in bed before sleep though, and whilst having lunch, so things are still amazingly relaxed and stuff.
We had a completely joint effort for tea last night, with my lady cooking lasagne and jacket potato for main course, and with myself following in the traditions of Shrove Tuesday, making pancakes for pudding. Mmmmm, it was lovely! And it's a national tradition, so fair play to void the diet for one meal! And we were supposed to be going out... I had visions of donning another skirt for the occasion, as I was feeling brave, and buoyed by the excellent reaction I had from my lady with the last one (bar the zip indescretion of course). But what with my enthused approach to the job application and the pancakes (mmm yummy), we ended up being later than anticipated, so decided to give going out a miss. And then my lady gets phone calls and text messages later in the evening to see where she was! Ever in demand my lady... I'm sure people think I kidnap her and hold her hostage... which isn't true at all! So then I think she was feeling a bit guilty for not making the effort to go. But I don't think either of us have regrets for staying in and doing our own thing. We're going out on Friday night to see some drama performance at the union... not sure I know what it's all about, but my lady wants to go, and it'll make her happy.I think FT was feeling a bit out of sorts about where the 'work' mode had ended up this week. And I feel like a right shit bag and an unwanted distraction. I know how she feels... I had it all throughout my final year. The difference being, I think she was a little more supportive and motivational than I'm managing to be. I'm so proud of her and how hard she works for her degree. And I admire how she manages to juggle work and social life, as well as voluntary commitments and exercise. She's just incredible and more diciplined and a better person than me, cos I never managed it! I can't help feeling like I'm too demanding, or that I make her life and course more difficult than it need be. I do try and help out and be as supportive as I can, which is half my problem as I don't know when to back off and leave her too it. I don't wanna be the nagging wife who is always on her case about things and interfering, but then I don't want her to make the mistakes I made. Not that I think she is! As I have said, I think she's been handling all her commitments amazingly! She's amazing, and I'm so so proud of her. She doesn't know how much!
I try to be supportive... like she is to me. But I think I'm crap at it! Still, if all I can do is hold her in my arms and make her feel safe and loved and wanted, then that's better than nothing right?Today has been really cool. Took my lady to her lectures, and sat in on one, with an over-enthusiastic big gay (and I can get away with saying that as an endearing term as I'm gay myself) man, who waffled on, and on, and on, and on some more (yawn) about Shakespeare for the 50 minutes of the lecture, and then (I'm reliably informed) carried on waffling for a further 30 minutes after we left! Thank goodness FT's Dad was coming for the day with the ever gorgeous, and sorely missed (why isn't he staying again) Beby Hound! Allowed us to escape with a good reason! It was lovely seeing Beby Hound again! I can't believe how much I missed him, even though he usually drops jiz on the floor as he has a prostate problem, bless him. I even drove 10 minutes away to Tesco last night just to get him some pigs ears (well they were cow's ears, but the same kinda thing)! I love how when he comes in, he says hello to FT and then runs in the flat looking for me. And then he sat on my lap on the sofa for a whole 30 minutes during an episode of 24. I think he kinda loves me. Which is the nicest thing... I feel like part of the family and accepted by my gfs dog. He's like he's my dog too, which is lovely! And I treat him as if he were my own! Awwww. I want him to stay! PC Pete, you're a meanie for not letting us puppy sit!
So, am just spending the rest of the evening chilling out, chatting to friends on MSN, nothing extravagant, but rewarding regardless!
-x-