My New World

I don't know if anyone reads this anymore. So much has changed since I last posted here.

I am different.

I have a new world now.

You can join me at: http://lifeintheelectricchair.blogspot.com

My Little Black Hole

I'm feeling worse today than I have done in a good few days! Everything up to now has been fairly positive since my counselling session last week. Only today, I spent half an hour sitting on the toilet at work sobbing.
I woke up this morning, well, the dog woke me up. FT and I were sharing a bed having spent a lovely relaxing evening watching Lost on video that my Mum recorded to me. Spoons woke me up half an hour before my alarm was due to go off, because she needed a wee... she was whining. I'd have sympathy, but I was a little frustrated because she just will not use her pen to spend in at the moment. And this is the dog that has held her need for a wee for 20 hours before. So she obviously didn't go when FT took her out last night, and so I was woken to do the honours this morning. I wouldn't mind, but it seemed a bit pointless to try and go back to sleep for just half an hour! Anyway, I was absolutely freezing, and ended up jumping back into bed shivering beyond belief because I was so cold.
Then FT put her arms around me, and spooned me. And for a moment, I felt the luckiest woman in the world. There is no feeling in the world like that! Then, I knew it was a bad day, when my brain started to run away from me, and there was nothing I could do to slow it down!
'This feels so right, why can't be be like this all the time?'
'We're perfect for each other, we make each other laugh, we're always there for each other, there's this spark between us that could never ever exist with anyone else, why do we have to go through this?'
'Don't be stupid Luce, you know the answers to all of this, you need space and time to sort your heads out individually, and you know fate has is mapped out for you to be together, just hang in there, be positive, and get through this for you.'
'But things were so good the past couple of days, but she seemed different today, what if she doesn't love me anymore? I know she loves me, but what if she's having second thoughts'.
I lay there for the full half an hour, all this going through my head.
I know rationally what we need to do. And that even when things go brilliant, and are just like they were when we were soppy and romantic and in the height of our togetherness, I still know that we need space and time, and that maybe after that she backs off because she doesn't want me to think that we can fix this tomorrow. Maybe she's reminding herself that we can't just get back together and fix this tomorrow? If there is any chance for an us, we need time.
There are no definites... I find that harder than you can imagine. I've always clung to something certain to get me through hard times in my life. She was my certain. I can't cling to that anymore. I don't know what to do.
I lay there in her arms. Thinking and thinking. And the last thing I wanted to do was think! I was drowing in my thoughts. They were slowly killing me. I kept telling myself 'shut up', 'stop reading into things', 'stop looking too far to the future, when you do, it all gets so messed up. Just look to the day ahead, things have been going so well, keep focusing on that.'
The thoughts won. I couldn't shut them out.
I lay there, and for the first time I think that I've ever truly thought it, but I just wanted to go to sleep and never wake up.
I wanted all the thinking to stop, and I just felt so right, so loved, so perfect lying there in her arms. I just wanted to drift off to a peaceful sleep, and never wake up again. All I could think was that if this was the last memory I was to have lying there, feeling loved, and complete, and with my soulmate by my side, that I would die the happiest woman in the world.

And from there I've ended up in a right teary state all day. Fortunately we don't have kids in on a Wednesday afternoon, so it was fairly quiet. But I thought I was going to crack up.
I went to counselling tonight, and I don't know if it done any good at all really. I didn't really say much, and didn't seem very responsive to anything he said. Maybe some good did come out of it somewhere? Right now, I don't know.
I just need to stop letting my brain run away and analyse things... the one thing I really struggle with!

I was reading a blog yesterday. Written by someone experiencing something not too disimilar to what I'm going through right now. And it seems, in terms of fluctuating between positive and depressive thoughts, we seem quite similar there too. There was something she said though, that left me thinking about myself. How I'm feeling right now, and how I deal with things.
What she said was this: "...I want her to feel the loss as acutely as I do. I want it to take over and destroy part of her life..."
For the first time, I sat back and thought about my hurt. My loss. How it hits me. How I really feel about FT. It left me thinking 'part of you must be angry with her, or hate her for all of this. You get angry and bitter so easily, you feel resentment so easily, somewhere inside you, there must be some of this toward FT.'
I sat and I thought. And I searched my heart and my soul for all my feelings. How I really feel about her. I came to this conclusion: I do NOT hate her. I could never hate her. Yes, I hurt, but I know this is the last thing in the world she wanted to happen. I know this hurt is the last thing in the world she wanted me to feel. I love her. Maybe, in a strange a way as it sounds, I love her now, more and deeper than I did before, because she loves me enough to not lie to me. Not to carry on and hope things would put themselves right, but to make the hard decision, and maybe, there will be a future at the end of it. That hurts more than anything, that because of all of this, I love her more now than I ever did, and yet we can't be together as things stand. That kills me more and more each day.
But I could never EVER wish any hurt or pain on her. As much as I hurt, and I feel like my insides have been ripped out and I'm in pieces and don't know how to put them all back together again, I could never wish any of this on her.
I love her too deeply, too damn much to ever want her heart to ache and yearn like mine does right now. I love her too much to wish her any pain.
That's how I know she's my soulmate.

In my dreams...

Things right now are pretty impossible. I want her. She wants me. I love her. She loves me. But we can’t be together right now the way both of us want and need to be.
That doesn’t stop the feelings. The want and the need. The desire that burns down deep inside.
I look at her, and I see the woman I fell so madly, passionately in love with. I still feel the same way. I feel exactly as I did way back then. She still turns my heart to mush. She still gives me goose bumps when she walks into the room. She makes me smile without doing anything. When she looks into my eyes, my heart pounds, and turns to complete mush in a single second. That still happens even now. After everything that has happened. It makes no difference to how I feel. She makes me feel warm. She makes me feel loved. She makes me feel wanted. But above all. She makes me feel alive. I’m addicted to her. When we’re apart, I feel nothing. Nothing but numb and loss.
When we are together, none of that matters anymore.
I feel alive. I feel electrified. There is nothing on this earth like it. She feels it too. I know she does.
I know her. I can see it in her eyes. I can see it in the way she is.
That fire and that passion is still there. So is the love and the warmth. Day after day we ask ourselves why are we here? What is it fate has in store for us that we are at this point, when both of us want to be together so much.
We can’t be apart. It kills us both inside. Yet when we are together. There is something there. More than just friendship. There’s still that connection. Still that spark.
She turns me on. She always has. From the first moment I set eyes on her, and she didn’t even know I was in the room, she awoke something inside me. This electrifying spark. This connection. This uncontrollable desire.

The sexual tension between us is electrifying. So intense. As intense as ever. If not more so. We enjoy spending time together. Doing things together. I don’t think either of us could cope without that side of things. Especially when we’ve been such a big part of each other’s lives, and we still love each other.
Yet in some ways, it is absolutely unbearable.
When I see her, in the kitchen, at the sink, next to the table, I just want to walk up behind her, wrap my arms around her luscious waist, bury my head in her neck, smelling the intoxicating odour of her hair, and her skin, and to lightly kiss her neck in the way I love, and the way she loves to be kissed. I seem to spend an eternity thinking about all the things like that. I think to myself: ‘just do it’, ‘you know her, you know that she wants it and is thinking it too’, then I think to myself: ‘you can’t make her feel uncomfortable’, ‘you’re not making this any easier for either of you’, ‘what if she doesn’t want to, then you’ll only get hurt’.
I still want her all the time. I want to know that she still wants me. That she feels like she still needs me. I can’t be the only one that can’t live without all of the closeness that we share. Can I? I miss the way she used to be with me. Now it seems instead of getting the real FT, I get the ‘I should be doing thism and shouldn’t be doing that’ FT. I know her. I know that’s how she feels inside. My heart is aching for her to follow hers. To give in to her desires. I can’t believe that she doesn’t feel the same as I do. It all meant so much more than that.
She makes me randy, and I want her all the time. But because of where we are now, we both feel like we can’t act on our desires and our impulses. I’ve been bad. I’ve not been able to be as disciplined as perhaps the situation dictates. I can’t! She’s my weakness. My addiction. I mean, come on, she is the sexiest woman on the planet. The thought that she can be more restrained than me kills me. I want her. Damn I want her. I want to see that passion. That fiery passion of the tiger that I fell so deeply in love with. That passion that kept us both together and strong for the past two years. I can see it’s still there. I can feel it like a drum, pounding out between both of us. That will never die. As long as we live, that will never die. Of that much, I am sure.
This sounds all sexual. But it’s so much more than that. The connection that runs between us, is so much more than sex. That passion, that love, that intensity, is some much deeper than sex. I suppose the sexual side of things is just an avenue of showing it, or feeling it. Of holding on to that connection and feeling it’s intensity pumping through our veins. It is never sex. As passionate and rampant as it can get. It is never just sex, or just fucking, it’s more than that. It’s connecting. Treasuring, worshiping, respecting, honouring, and making love.
I want to feel her. I want to feel her passion. I know it’s still there. I know it still flows. I know it’s not dead!
I want her to want me. I want to be thrown against the wall and completely and utterly dominated. I want the fire. I want the passion.
I know it’s there. We’ve had ‘moments’. Whether feeling lost and neglected and in the midst of one of our legendary cuddles, or play-fighting for ticklish spots. We’ve had moments, when we’ve given in to what should and shouldn’t be. I know it’s still there. I can feel it. She can too. I know it.
Everyone only ever sees the brave side to us. The side we show the world to try and convince ourselves everything is alright. Neither of us feel it. Deep down, neither of us want it.
But this is what fate has in store for us right now. Maybe in the bigger picture of things, this is a small insignificant step in the happy future of our lives. I believe fate is on our side. However hard this is now. And however much we want each other.
In my dreams...

Black, White And Grey... With Lots of Pink in the Middle!

I don't really know where to begin. Who reads this anyway?! I've long pondered the debate about whether to actually post on my blog. I mean, why do we do it? Is it because we want to kid ourselves that our lives are interesting, and people will genuinely tune in to see what's going on? Is it because it's a way to keep friends and family, both near and far updated on our lives? Is it just an outlet in which to get things out in the open in some form so they don't completely destroy you inside, is it because we like to feel that someone out there cares enough to offer you some comfort and advice and support when life is shit and it's really gettting you down? Or is it simply because it's a way of sharing our thoughts and feelings, and a little part of ourselves either anonymously or directly with other people in the world without having to feel like you need to answer to someone else.
Maybe it's all of them.
It doesn't help that I feel abandoned by certain people I've opened my life up to on here, and more than I've published on here, and I feel like the trust and support I've offered has been thrown back in my face, and it leaves me wondering is this real, or just a figment of someone's imagination, like a sad soap opera. Yes, I'm hurting right now, and maybe I'm not of completely sane mind, but that doesn't make me a bad person, does it?
I don't know.
Life is shit right now, for many reasons. Yet I didn't want my blog to be a sob story of what's not going so well.
Yet I'm stuck in a quandry. How do I deal with how I'm feeling? I bottle it up and it eats away at me inside, and leaves me feeling seriously suicidal. Then I get even more frustrated that I haven't even got the bottle to do anything about that.
I can't talk to close friends and family. They all have oppinions and think it is like this, and should be like that, and I need to be doing this and not doing that. Yes, I do get the supportive approach, but I can't cope with the rest of it. I can't expect them to know what I need. I don't even know that myself right now. But all this frustration and anger and resentment I get from them, directed towards my beloved FT, whether they directly bitch or insinuate or perhaps when I'm feeling positive, they remind me that something might not be as I see it. It doesn't help. It hurts. I don't want to be around it. I don't want to deal with it. I just want to be left alone, in the same instance, being alone is the last thing in the world that I want right now.
There is no answer.
The reason for my post title is this: If white is together, and black is apart, then grey is somewhere in the middle either emotionally, mentally or physically, and pink, is well... an evening of the amazing Pink in concert last night!
FT's Mum and her boyfriend (who for the purpose of this post and here after shall be known as Dweeb because he is a right arse-licking wet blanket) came up for the weekend to go to this Pink concert we had tickets for. They all stayed at the flat. FT included. We shared a room. We shared a bed. Our bed. There is no easy or hard thing to do anymore. Everything turns in to various shades of grey. You might sit there and think that sharing the room and bed this weekend could only complicate matters and make things worse. I suppose in a sense, that's right. Yet in another way, it makes things easier. Neither of us sleep properly when we're apart. We've both been open and honest about that. I don't think I've slept properly since we split up. I don't know what it is about when we're together, but even when things are like they are, it just feels right, and we feel safe and relaxed, and we just sleep, so soundly. The only thing is, it's so hard not to look at that and keep asking yourself why things need to be the way they are now, when both of us are suffering so much. It doesn't matter that you know why... it doesn't stop you asking or thinking it though.
In some ways it made things so much better just being around each other and spending time together, and knowing and seeing that we are feeling the same. I think we both feel better because of all that. Inspite of worrying about the situation, and each other.
It's all such a mess. We seem to go from being really positive and enjoying things as they are, and then worrying about how things are now, and what happens in this period that we're going through now.
We're both completely in a mushy grey area right now. We both love each other. That much is obvious. That has never changed. We both couldn't go on as things were. Yes, FT was the one to be brave enough to say something, but we would have destroyed each other carrying on the way we were. Neither of us want things to be the way they are right now. I think we're both scaling the premises for a quick fix or fast forward button to move on to the next chapter. The one where everything is OK and there is a happy ending and the two amazing soulmates kiss and end up together with the big fat labrador in tow.
There is no fast forward button right now, and all the uncertainty and riding the storm is the hardest thing in the world to do.
It's not the grey area that's a living hell. You know what. To hell with what everyone else thinks. There is no clear 'this is what is right and what is wrong line'. We're doing what feels right for us, at the time. We can't move any other way. I just hate that people have opinions or think we're in a place that we're not. I know it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks or feels, but when you're hyper sensitive to the situation anyway, it doesn't help feeling like the world is against the one thing in the world that is keeping you going right now. And it does feel like that.

The hardest thing right now is Christmas. Christmas and New Year. We had it all planned how we were going to spend it. Together. We both fought the family both ends to make sure the coast was clear for us to spend our first proper christmas together. Now we don't have that. It's hard. This time last year, we were putting our christmas tree up, with all the special baubles and tinsel we bought. We were so excited. Now it's all just sitting there in the box. I can't face putting the tree up. I don't want it up. I don't want anything to do with christmas.
Maybe I'm weird, but to me, christmas and new year are one of the most special, romantic times of the year. I'm usually a big kid where christmas is concerned, getting into the spirit, and I like nothing more than sharing a drink, time and a few jokes with friends and family, and being around those you love most. I suppose I found last year a nightmare. FT and I were apart, and it was a living hell. She was in my head the whole day. What was she doing? Was she missing me? I wanted to be there, touch her, give her a peck on the cheek, hold her hand. Watch her open her presents. To see that look on her face. To see her tuck into her christmas dinner. Anything to see that beautiful smile. I think I spent most of the day ringing and voicemailing her at every available oportunity, just so she knew I was thinking of her, and missing her, and wanting to be with her. For me, to sit there, be with my family, eat dinner, pull crackers, open presents, it didn't mean anything without her there by my side. And then she fell out with her mum on christmas night and boxing day, and I was in pieces beacause I couldn't be there with her. I spent christmas counting the hours until it was time for me to go FT's mum's for new year. And then the world was a great place again - we spent new year together. And just counting down the new year and being with her, to hold her and kiss her, and just be with her, was the best feeling on earth. I have never been happier.
It dawns now that none of that is going to happen this year. I can't sit there and pretend that I'm ok and I'm enjoying being at home, and enjoying being with the family, when really, all I'm going to be thinking and feeling, is that the most important thing is missing. I'll still be wondering what she's doing, and if she's thinking of me, and misses me, and if she is having fun, or if she's smiling. Or even if she misses our christmas that should have been. I can't pull crackers and put on a brave face like it's all OK, when I'll be dying inside.
Then there's new year. You know, yes, I intended proposing at new year. But I'm not stupid, if things hadn't felt quite right, then I wouldn't have proposed. It was just when I thought would be the perfect time, seeing as the first christmas we spent together, was our christmas, which we had on new years day 2005 as we couldn't be together on christmas day itself. But now I can't face new year. I don't want to stand there counting down a ew year that I don't want to happen. I don't want there to be anymore new years. I don't want to be with anyone else at the turn of a new year, because no one else matters. And that kills me inside.
So I can't do any of it this year, and I really don't know what I'm going to do.
I just want to be on my own. But then I get accused of being selfish and not thinking of the family etc. But then if I go home and am miserable, then I get accused of being selfish and not thinking of anyone either. I can't win. I firmly can't. And I know that no one will understand that.
I hate christmas, and everything to do with it at the minute. I hate going shopping, with all the carols in every shop. The decorations. Just everything. I have never not wanted something to happen so less in all my life. I seriously do not go out, even food shopping unless I absolutely have to. If I see a christmas tree, I just want to knock it down or set fire to it. I feel that strongly. I hate it. I just hate it.
I had FT's mum tactlessly asking me if I was looking forward to going home for christmas this year. I couldn't handle it. I said no and left the room to play with my compter. It seemed a daft question really. Like I was going to say 'yeah, it's going to be ace'. I think FT went on about what a silly question that was and how neither of us are looking forward to christmas. See this is the thing, secretly the families are laughing as they get our undivided attention over the period now, something they wouldn't have done before. In fairness to her, she did invite me to them at christmas. I just don't know what to do. I'm going to hurt whatever I do. there is still christmas, and then new year, wherever I am, and I don't want it.
I suppose it would be fair to say I'm feeling a inconsolable over it. It's not going to be nice for anyone, and FT and I are big losers whatever happens. And neither of us ever wanted that.
It's all such a big mess. And I feel like I'm losing my fight.
If there is ever a chance of anything happening between FT and me, then I need to fight, and be positive, and look forward. Only I don't know how right now. My forward has gone and I need to re-focus onto a new form of forward. But this one is uncertain and has lots of this and thats and if this and if thats. I find it hard to fight when I don't know if what I'm fightning for is even possible. I suppose in my heart of hearts, I know it is, and in the bigger picture, I trust that fate has it meant to be. I just can't mentally and emotionally walk that path right now. I don't know how and I want to give in.
I love her so much... That is the only thing of which I am certain anymore. That and I really can't handle christmas!

Haunted By Songs...

It seems that every song I hear at the moment is haunting me or reminding me of everything one way or another. And I can't cope!
I just wanted to go through a few examples of a few lyrics of just a number of songs right now that I seem to be hearing all over the place, that leave my stomach in knots and make me feel just so crap.
God I miss her...

Everytime We Touch - Cascada
'I still hear your voice, When you sleep next to me.
I still feel your touch, in my dreams.
Forgive me my weakness, But I don’t know why,
Without you it's hard to survive'

Patience - Take That
'I'm still hurting from a love I lost,
I'm feeling your frustration,
But any minute all the pain will stop,
Just hold me close inside your arms tonight,
don’t be too hard on my emotions
Cause I, need time, My heart is numb, has no feeling,
So while I'm still healing,
Just try and have a little patience,
I really wanna start over again,
I know you wanna be my salvation,
The one that I can always depend,
I'll try to be strong, believe me,
I'm trying to move on,
It's complicated but understand me,
Cause I, need time,
My heart is numb has no feeling,
So while I'm still healing,
Just try and have a little patience

The Pieces Don't Fit Anymore - James Morrison
I've been twisting and turning,
In a space that's too small.
I've been drawing the line and watching it fall,
You've been closing me in, closing the space in my heart.
Watching us fading and watching it all fall apart.
(Chorus) Well I can't explain why it's not enough,
Cause I gave it all to you.
And if you leave me now, oh just leave me now.
Its the better thing to do,
Its time to surrender,
Its been to long pretending.
Theres no use in trying,
When the pieces dont fit anymore,
Pieces dont fit here anymore.
You pulled me under, I had to give in.
Such a beautiful myth,
Thats breaking my skin.
Well I'll hide all the bruises,
I'll hide all the damage thats done.
But I show how Im feeling until all the feeling has gone.
(Chorus) Ooh don't missunderstand, How I feel.
Cause I've tried, yes I've tried.
But still I don't know why, no I dont know why.

Emotions - Destiny's Child
It's over and done
But the heartache lives on inside
And who's the one you're clinging to
Instead of me tonight?
And where are you now, now that I need you?
Tears on my pillow wherever you go
I'll cry me a river that leads to your ocean
You'll never see me fall apart
In the words of a broken heart
It's just emotion taking me over
Caught up in sorrow
Lost in the song But if you don't come back Come home to me, darling
Don't you know there's nobody left in this world to hold me tight?
Don't you know there's nobody left in this world to kiss goodnight
Goodnight, goodnight
I'm there at your side,
I'm part of all the things you are
But you've got a part of someone else
You've got to find your shining star
And where are you now, now that I need you?
Tears on my pillow wherever you go
I'll cry me a river that leads to your ocean
You'll never see me fall apart
In the words of a broken heart
It's just emotion taking me over
Caught up in sorrow
Lost in the song But if you don't come back Come home to me, darling
Don't you know there's nobody left in this world to hold me tight?
Don't you know there's nobody left in this world to kiss goodnight
Goodnight, goodnight
And where are you now, now that I need you?
Tears on my pillow wherever you go
I'll cry me a river that leads to your ocean
You'll never see me fall apartIn the words of a broken heart
It's just emotion taking me over
Caught up in sorrow
Lost in the song But if you don't come back Come home to me, darling
Don't you know there's nobody left in this world to hold me tight?
Don't you know there's nobody left in this world to kiss goodnight
Goodnight, goodnight


Those are just a few snippets of all that are going through my head right now. I don't think I've ever looked into song lyrics so deeply as I am right now.
I miss her.
I love her.
I always will.

The Ring

I had a phonecall today. Not what I needed right now. You'll all remember a while ago I was going to propose to FT when she came back from Africa, and I'd had a ring ordered for collection the day before she was due back, but things didn't go to plan and I ended up cancelling it telling them I was going to wait a bit longer until I could afford the one I really wanted. I'd had it all planned I hate the date in mind and was saving up good and proper, to do it all good and properly and then all this happened. Anyway, the date I had planned in mind was new years eve. And I'd worked out a way to get the cash I needed, and so had told the jewellers I'd be back in touch towards the end of November to order the better one, the one I really wanted, in the right ring size. Only obviously, I hadn't been back in touch and so they phoned to see if I was still wanting the ring, as it would need to be ordered asap to get in in time for the end of December.
I didn't know what to say really! I think the guy on the phone guessed something was up, as he was a little taken aback, and didn't really know what to say. I just basically said that I'd be waiting a while before I needed it and so didn't need it ordered as yet. Better that than saying 'Unfortunately, the woman I want to marry doesn't feel the same anymore, so I'd love to spend £1,500 on the totally gorgeous ring, but I don't think I'd quite get the answer I want'. Gutted.
That's how I feel right now! Just a complete reminder of everything I had planned. And it couldn't have hit me at a worse time. Not the guy's fault I know, but I did want to give him a bollocking for ringing.

It sparked me off thinking about everything again. I'm proper gutted really. I mean, the night we split up, I ended up taking my eternity ring off and giving it back to her, and then seconds later, panicked because that wasn't what I wanted at all, I just didn't know what to do. She gave it me back, and I put it back on. But she took hers off and put it in her jewellery box, and it's been there ever since. A day later, it hurt so much wearing it, and not having her wear hers, that I took it off and replaced it with a crappy signet ring.
I felt lost without it. When we gave them to each other, they meant so much, and just because things aren't how we planned right now, doesn't mean that they mean any less than they did then. I remember so fondly how I gave her hers. I searched the whole of Sheffield to get it, and had to take her back to get the next size, and she loved it, and put it straight on, and never took it off. It was perfect. And I remember when she gave me mine, in bed one morning, cosyied up on the fold out sofa bed we shared in our old house. And how she put it on my finger, and told me how much I meant to her.
Just because things aren't how either of us wanted them to be, or how they were then, doesn't make those rings mean any less. If anything, it makes them mean more, and be more important. Everything they symbolise is love. Right now, both of us feel more alone than we have for a while. For me certainly for any point in my life. I put the ring back on the other day.
I couldn't live without it on. I know things are the way they are, and there are reasons, and that won't change. But I need it on my finger. I need to know that everything we had meant something. That it still does mean something, and it'll always will mean something, irrespective of how things are right now. I can't explain it. She's been such a big part of my life, and she always will be. And whether we're together or not, I still love her, and always will. I still care about her more than anything, and I still worry more than anything, and I don't want her to think that because of all of this, and two broken hearts, that I don't care. I feel like having the ring on reminds me that she still cares. You can't love like that and not care. I suppose I wish she was still wearing hers. Just so she knows I still care. So that if anything ever happens and she feels down or is in a bad place, that she'll know that I'm here, always here, and I loved, and cared, and still do.

Half The World Away...

I thought that seemed as good a title as any. In some ways it describes how I'm feeling, and in others it makes me smile cos it's the theme tune to The Royle Family. Yeah, let's go with that.

I wish I had something of great importance to say really. Just about that I'm still here is all I can manage right now. Anyone that reads this probably reads FT's blog too, although loads that read hers don't read mine, but I'm safe in saying my initial statement is true. So that makes my life a little easier, as it means I don't need to go over explaining the 'home' situation as is at the moment. So you'll all know that FT has moved in with Sarah and Matt for a few weeks.
To be honest, as much as we were managing to get on living together at the moment, it was completely difficult. We've never lived together being anything other than together or wanting each other, so the situation would be difficilt anyway, but it was more than just a little difficult. We thought it best, as difficult as it is right now, that if we are to salvage any form of relationship, even if just a friendship, that we take this step to get our heads together, and look to all the positives this space can create, and who knows where we'll end up?
I cried myself to sleep Sunday night. I couldn't believe she had gone, and all I could think about were how things have changed and would never be the same anymore. I did not sleep well at all.
But I must have come to some conclusion in my fitful sleep, as for some unknown reason, I woke up feeling quite positive about it all. Maybe just the reduction in immediate tension had me feeling like there was progress already? I don't know.

Anyway, so I had these pitta breads that I'd bought before she moved out, and I wouldn't eat by myself, so I asked if she wanted to come round for dinner on Thursday, and she said 'yes'. I took this as a really positive step, not in the sense it means anything big, but just that we could do with a no pressure just enjoying each other's company evening. So I was feeling really positive about all that.
Anyway, I'm on MSN chatting to Doofus, telling her all of this, and then she just goes on about all the negatives, like FT is leading me on, and that there could never be no chance ever of us getting back together anywhere down the line, and I'm reading too much into it blah blah.
The long and the short of it is I got upset. I was feeling more positive, for whatever reason, but it had been the first day that I hadn't spent hours crying into my pillow. And I could just feel all the positivity ebbing out of me, being replaced by the negative 'what ifs' and trying to prempt how FT really was feeling etc. So I blocked her on msn, and refused to answer her calls or talk to her, save having an argument. I wouldn't have minded her honesty if it wasn't for the fact that she'd seen how low I was with it all the week before, and I just felt like she took me right back there.
The next thing I know she rings my mum and tells her about all of this, so my mum then rings me all concerned, wanting me to open up about how I am feeling, and not to act like this or like that and not to get hurt again. I had the usual, 'you deserve better' speech and 'don't fall into this trap and that trap' etc. Which is not what I want or need to hear, as no one can seem to understand, as much as I try to tell them, that I can't help the way that I feel, and that even if I do get hurt a million times over, then there is no other way for me, and there is nothing anyone can say or do. They're just making me feel a million times worse about it all.
And the only person I feel like I can talk to about it all, is FT, and I'm not sure she wants to hear it, or whether I'm doing the right thing talking to her about it.

I don't know. Just I don't feel positive today at all. I don't know what to say or do. And to be honest, I feel a bit screwed over by people who claim to be friends, but don't seem to act in the same manner. I could go on forever on this rant, but I'm not going to. I don't even know how much of it is me being over-sensitive and how much is fact anymore. I'm just having a crap day. Think I'm going to just disappear any maybe post later when I'm feeling better.

A Happy World, Turned Upside down

I'm sure many of you read FT's blog. So I don't need to relive the events that have happened of late.
It's impossible to try and post anything here. But I have to be seen to be doing something. How can I be honest and explain how I'm feeling and what is going on for me right now? All I can say is I hurt. I feel numb, and I hurt. More than I ever thought it possible.
I don't hate her. I don't blame her. I love her too much for all of that. I feel like I can't cope. I can't deal with all this. One minute I think I'm making progress, and it'll all be alright, and the next I remember something or think of something that can't be anymore, and I just break down.
I've gone from flipping out angry to hysterically balling my eyes out. Repeatedly over the past four days. You never know what you're going to get.
I can understand why things have to be the way they are. There have been issues that we both need to deal with. And they're the kind of things that if we stay together while we sort through them, that it'll just tear us apart and we'll end up hating each other. Neither of us want that.
Deep down though, neither of us want this. Both of us just want a switch that you can press to make everything calm down, like an 'issue comander' switch. That's impossible. There is no such thing.
All this is so hard right now. This is the last place in the world either of us wanted to be. And god knows if there was a way to fix it all, we'd do it in a shot.
We've been awkward and distant with each other, not wanting to get too close. We've not know what to say, or what to do, or where to be. Sharing a house is the most difficult right now. Everything here is ours. Not mine, not hers, but ours. Even stuff that we owned beforehand has become ours. How you can even think about dividing all that and splitting it is just beyond thought. I'm in no place to delve to deep into all that right now. It's just so raw.
I look into her eyes, and I still get all those feelings I got the first day I set eyes on her. My heart still pounds, I smile, both inside and out. I feel an overwhelming urge to make her laugh and to see that gorgeous smile of hers. As much as I hurt, and as much that has happened, I can't stop that. It makes me hurt more to feel every second of every day just how much we have lost. I look into her eyes, and I can see that she still cares. I can see that she still loves me. I can see that she doesn't want any of this just as much as I don't. I can see a million reasons why she says that she feels differently to how she once did. I can see where it went wrong, and the things I've done to make her feel like she can't go on. I know no one person can take all the blame, but I can see that one particular thing that I did, has caused a whole load of subsequent reactions in both of us, and from then on we stopped fighting on the same page. I hate that. One mistake has lead up to this point now. And we both hurt like we never thought possible.
Yes we've had issues and yes we've had problems, but it wasn't all bad. She's given me the best two years of my life, and I know I've done the same for her. We've sat and talked, at length since we broke up. It's better that feeling hurt and broken and like the other person doesn't care or falling out with each other. It kills me when we fall out. More now than ever. We've identified a lot of where things deteriorated, and I think that will probably haunt me for the rest of my life. We've both said that neither of us want this, and if there was any way to fix things immediately, then we would. But I can't fix the issues I have overnight, and to stay together while I try to do that, would destroy us. Deep down, I know it would, but it doesn't stop me hating this and it being the last thing in the world I want. I so want to be able to fix all this and go back to how things were, and hang in there etc. But we'd just end up resenting each other. I need to stand on my feet. Develop some self confidence and independence a bit more. Without that, I can't function as a person, and it's not fair to expect the one person I love most in the world to help me and pick me up.
One mistake, and it destroys all that is good in my life. It hurts that I can't get a chance to try and put things right right now. But I know that isn't possible. We need space and time to get our heads together. I need time to sort myself out.
Maybe then. Maybe in some months time, when all that has been done, that we'll get that second chance. I know that if fate wants us together that we'll end up together no matter what. And I just know that from the way that we met and all those feelings and the way that we felt, that it is fate that we went through all that then, and that we are meant to be together.
Whether in a few months, a few years, or in the next lifetime. I don't care what anyone thinks. We ARE soulmates, and we are meant to be together. And we will end up together some where, some how.
Just all of this right now is impossible. I've never felt so much love, so strong. Yet to go through being apart, hurts more than anything in the world ever. Anything I could ever imagine.
I just love her. I love her so much. I always will. I could never stop. She is part of me. She's my soulmate. I'm breaking inside. I love her!

Just a chance...

I don’t know what to say really. I’ve been avoiding posting on here. I suppose I hurt too much. I suppose everyone knows what’s been going on lately.
I feel like my life’s been turned into one big drama of late, and I don’t know the first thing about getting through it all. Probably if I was on the outside looking in, I’d be shouting at the TV screen and telling the various participants of the scene what to do. But it’s my life. And I’m lost, and I don’t know what to do!
I start seeing a counsellor tonight. That should be progress underway and a start to getting my life back on track. But I’m so full of fear about everything going on with FT. I just don’t know what to do with myself. I just can’t help thinking that if I’d done something about seeing someone sooner, then things wouldn’t be the way they are with us right now. That’s true. I know it is.
We’re the same people as we always were. The same people who fell so madly in love and had it all before them. Yet in other ways we’re different people to those who started out together way back then. In some ways everything is all still there, and in others, the barriers have come up and it seems the gulf between us is big.
But I know that deep down; we’re still those same people who fell in love. Who put smiles on each other’s faces. Who trusted and confided in each other like there was no one else in the world they’d rather share their deepest thoughts with. I know that’s still there.
I’m scared. She’s scared. We’re both scared. I know that. There’s nothing wrong with being scared. Scared is good. I realise that now. Comfort and complacency are like parasites to a relationship. I think that’s where we were. Too used to each other. Too bedded into a routine. And it’s led to both of us realising that actually, we’re not 65. We have years ahead of us, and we want more from life than to keep each other warm when it’s cold outside.
Now things are weird. We’re on a break, but neither of us seems to know properly what that means or how to handle it. We’ve never been just friends before. And I think that deep down, in part of us, neither of us wants to be just friends, but the way things are. The way things have been. It’s like, neither of us want to carry on with things the way they were, but we’re scared and don’t really know how to take things into a new direction. And then what if that doesn’t work? We might be in the same position a few more months down the line. We’re both hurting now, and neither of us wants to hurt again. So it’s scary to even think about trying again or what if it doesn’t work. I know she’s scared. I’m scared too.

The way things are, is no true reflection of how our relationship can or might progress in the future if we give it another go. We’re both so weird around each other. So close and warm towards each other one minute and offish and not knowing what to do the next. I know the space of being on a break is supposed to do us good, and in some ways it is. But in other ways it’s just driving us insane. The physical attraction is still there. That want and that need. That never goes away. And the mental and emotional attraction is although supposed to be on hold at the moment, that’s the one bit that fluctuates from on and intense to off and scary. I think it’s making emotions run high for the both of us. There’s supposed to be no pressure, but when your feelings fluctuate like they are doing, how can there be no pressure? When you’re constantly asking yourself ‘What’s going on? What does this feeling mean? I thought we were supposed to be easing off this for a bit?’ It’s not even so much as us putting pressure on each other, it’s like our feelings are putting pressure on us, and there’s no control over that, as hard as you try!

I make her smile. Even now I make her smile. Just like I did back then. I know I make her feel good inside. You can see it in her eyes. She talks to me, she opens up to me. Even though that’s not easy at the minute, and things have got weird and barriers have gone up and we don’t talk like we used to, we still open up to each other. She still blows me away, every second I look at her. She makes me smile, even now. Even though things are hard. She makes me feel safe, loved and protected, by a look, by a touch, by the things she says. And I do the same. I know I do. I still find her sexy and she turns me on, and makes me want to connect with her in that way, both physical and mental. And I do the same to her. She says so, and you can see it in the way she acts.
Just so much at the minute is focusing on the ‘what ifs’ and everything that has gone wrong, or not gone quite right, and the stresses and the pressures. I want to remember and relive how things were before they all got so complicated. I don’t mean go back. Going back would mean re treading over the same malfunctional path that’s brought us this far. I mean moving on, and using the past to shape the route from here.
She thinks we’ve go too far. But, how can it be too far when complications aside, things are still incredible? We’re soulmates, we’ve both said that. We know each other inside out, and trust and respect each other more than anyone else in the world ever could. And the physical attraction is stronger than ever.

But how can we see the good points and see how incredible things are when we’re so caught up emotionally on the ‘what ifs’ and fear and uncertainty? We lose sight of everything that is good between us whilst striving for space to sort out how we feel. But how can you sort out how you feel when you’re trying to stop yourself feeling to get clarity?
We just need a chance. We just need not to give up on each other, and just one more chance. I’m not saying ‘forever’ or serious commitment. That’s where we went wrong before. When the stresses and pressure are off, we’re good together. Just like we always were. I’m not saying you can forget all that’s happened. That’s impossible. But you can certainly learn from it and move forward.
When I say I want to try again, I don’t mean pick things up where we left off, or go all out for that commitment type thing. I just mean give each other a chance to make each other happy again. To make each other smile, that smile that no one else in the world brings out. That butterfly feeling and tingling you get when the other person is around. I know it’s not lost. I know it’s still there. I know parts of us still feel it, when the pressure is off. I’m not saying forever. Just a chance. Just a chance…

Down on Myself and Not Quite Moving on

So mentally, I'm in no better place right now than I was at the weekend. I feel trapped. Like I know I'm acting and doing and saying things I know are not a wise choice, and I know I'm out of order for doing, yet I can't quite stop it until after I've done it.
I was thinking last night that my last blog post probably shouldn't have been. Maybe I shouldn't have put how I was feeling and acting down on screen for the world to see. It probably wasn't fair to FT or to anyone else concerned. Only I thought it was important, as it was an important thing for me to do as self realisation of that I need help and I can't carry on like this. Now I feel even more like I've fucked up as I've put FT in a position which I didn't want her to be in. I didn't mean to hurt anyone, or piss anyone off in the slightest. I tried to make the whole content of my last post about how I'd learned that what I was thinking and feeling wasn't rational, and without realising that, I wouldn't have been able to move on. That's the reason and the whole point of the rambled too-long post! I didn't mean to put anyone in a position or cause any bad feeling, or infer any responsibility of anyone for my thoughts or actions.
I wish I'd kept my mouth shut now!

I'm still down on myself!
I tried ringing the local 'Mind' today, to see if they could put me in touch with a counceller or anything. Only all I got was a 'please leave a message after the tone' message, with a tone that never ended so I had no opportunity to leave a god damn message! So I was a bit upset after that.
I then phoned my doctor for an appointment to see if they could do anything to help. Only I couldn't get an appointment until Monday morning, and I'm fairly dubious that they will be of any use, especially seeing as they were reluctant to prescribe me any medication when I had an infection and was literally choking on my swollen uvula! That and the fact that the appointment is bang at the time when my Mum and cousin are due to arrive for the week, and it probably means explaining to her what I'm going to the doctors for. So I'm worried about that too!

That, and I've been a fucking c**t this week. I've been doing some scanning of documents into the computer for FT, only I've even taken that too far. I've taken it upon myself to do better and more scanning than anyone, considering she has two other readers and someone else to help out if needed. I've been woman posessed. I don't know what's got into me. I think it's all related to my self esteem thing. It started off that I was just so glad to be given something useful to do, and I was feeling like I was actually being of use and contributing something good and making FT's life easier for her degree. But then I just took that a step too far, trying to finish all the books and documents, like I have to be better than everyone else. Only I've been doing it to the point of spending every spare second of my time in there, reluctant to come out to eat or do anything else until I've got as much done as possible.
I think a lot of it is a form of escapism... it's pretty much mindless work, and all the time I'm doing that, I'm doing something good and useful and if I get more done than anyone else (which is likely as I'm spending all my time in there), then I can feel good and better about myself, and FT will be pleased with me. And I don't have to be thinking about anything else.
The only trouble with that is I've now made myself knackered and I'm running on empty. So I've been rude. Hurtful. Selfish. Ignorant. And self absorbed, particularly with FT. And to make myself feel better about it, I've been doing more scanning and getting more tired. Been in a vicious circle. She's gone to choir tonight, and I think she just needs some space. I've been incredibly hard work. I can't blame her for needing a break, I would too in her shoes.
I don't know how I'm going to get on waiting for councelling of some form... I can't escape forever!
I'm just feeling a bit shit tonight. All I want is cuddles and to be held... yet when I'm like this, I'm almost impossible to love!